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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1181
    Join Date: Apr 2015

    Location: Central Virginia

    Posts: 1,261
    I'm Russell.

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    A man gets up in the morning and goes to work, as he always does. On the train, he sees a group of young women in the back all sobbing, and crying, “Johnny’s dead!”. So, he gets to his morning coffee shop, and can’t get any service, all the waitresses are in the back crying, “Johnny’s dead!”. So he skips it and goes to work. All the female employees are in the corner sobbing and crying, “Johnny’s dead!”. So the janitor came around to dump his bin, and he asked him, “who is this Johnny fellow?”, and the janitor told him, “ he was a young man who dated quite a few of the girls who work here, he really is hung like a mule!”, “They’ve got him down at the morgue, you really ought to see it!”. So, curious, he goes down to the morgue and tells the attendant, “I’m a family member of the deceased, can I have a minute alone?”. And the attendant agreed and left the room. He pulls the sheet back and sure enough, it’s the biggest jank he’s ever seen! So he takes out his pin knife and cuts it off, and rolls it up in a newspaper, thinking, “Martha has got to see this!”. So he rushes home and calls his wife, “Martha, come and see this!”, he unrolls the newspaper and his wife burst into tears, “Johnny’s Dead!”

    Russell

  2. #1182
    Join Date: Oct 2012

    Location: The Black Country

    Posts: 4,347
    I'm Alan.

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    Just in a nice pub having a chat to a cyclist. He is on his 2nd pint so I ask him if it affects him when he is cycling.
    Answer : I don't know I've only just bought the bike.

    Classic.

  3. #1183
    Join Date: Apr 2012

    Location: Southall, West London

    Posts: 36,847
    I'm Geoff.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Firebottle View Post
    Just in a nice pub having a chat to a cyclist. He is on his 2nd pint so I ask him if it affects him when he is cycling.
    Answer : I don't know I've only just bought the bike.

    Classic.
    Years ago, I used to cycle back from the pub pretty well hammered. Only ever fell off once though!

  4. #1184
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Wrexham, North Wales, UK

    Posts: 80,409
    I'm AudioAl'sArbiterForPISHANTO.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Firebottle View Post
    Just in a nice pub having a chat to a cyclist. He is on his 2nd pint so I ask him if it affects him when he is cycling.
    Answer : I don't know I've only just bought the bike.

    Classic.
    Lol - and was the idiot planning on cycling on the road afterwards? I'd subject cyclists to the same rules on drink 'driving', as car drivers, as a pished cyclist is just as dangerous to have on the road as a drunk driver!

    Marco.
    http://www.thestainedglasscompany.com

    "A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do" -- Milan Kundera.

    BE HAPPY EVERYDAY!

  5. #1185
    Join Date: Apr 2011

    Location: Surrey

    Posts: 3,995
    I'm Mike.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Firebottle View Post
    Just in a nice pub having a chat to a cyclist. He is on his 2nd pint so I ask him if it affects him when he is cycling.
    Answer : I don't know I've only just bought the bike.

    Classic.
    I have to cycle, there's no way I could walk
    Rega Isis CD, Marigo Labs Clear Transformation CD mat, Technics 1210, MCRU PSU, Mike New Bearing & Platter, Stillpoints LP1 weight, Speedy Steve Ebony armboard, Fidelity Research FR64FX arm, Ortofon SPU. Aurorasound VIDA Phono Pre Amp, Belles VT-01 MK II Pre Amp, Belles MB200 Mono Power Amps, TAD E1 speakers. Creaktiv racks, Mains Cables: Coherent, MCRU Ultimate, Interconnects : Coherent and Yannis 223.5 Connect Litz, TQ. Coherent speaker cable. Audio Magic Transcendence Conditioner. Coherent socket

    Mike

  6. #1186
    Join Date: Jan 2009

    Location: Essex

    Posts: 18,487
    I'm openingabottleofwine.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Marco View Post
    Lol - and was the idiot planning on cycling on the road afterwards? I'd subject cyclists to the same rules on drink 'driving', as car drivers, as a pished cyclist is just as dangerous to have on the road as a drunk driver!

    Marco.
    I knew a girl who suggested taking a horse to the pub and tethering it outside whilst she could go in and get 'hammered'. Then when she wanted to go home she would climb on the horse (or more likely drape herself over it) and the horse would take her home.

    But as I pointed out to her, it is an offense to be drunk in charge of a horse, just as it is to be drunk in charge of a motor vehicle.
    Have you listened to this month's choice in the Album Club?

    Barry

  7. #1187
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,036
    I'm Anto.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Barry View Post
    I knew a girl who suggested taking a horse to the pub and tethering it outside whilst she could go in and get 'hammered'. Then when she wanted to go home she would climb on the horse (or more likely drape herself over it) and the horse would take her home.

    But as I pointed out to her, it is an offense to be drunk in charge of a horse, just as it is to be drunk in charge of a motor vehicle.
    Yes , but is it an offence to be in charge of a canal boat?
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  8. #1188
    Join Date: Jan 2009

    Location: Essex

    Posts: 18,487
    I'm openingabottleofwine.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Oddball View Post
    Yes , but is it an offence to be in charge of a canal boat?
    I don't know - presumably there are rules and regulations on the use of inland waterways.
    Have you listened to this month's choice in the Album Club?

    Barry

  9. #1189
    Join Date: Apr 2012

    Location: Southall, West London

    Posts: 36,847
    I'm Geoff.

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    It's an offence to be drunk, full stop. Even alone indoors!

  10. #1190
    Join Date: Feb 2013

    Location: W Lothian

    Posts: 47,351
    I'm Grant.

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    there was a law added about that but i dont think it ever got enacted as such.. comes under Railways and Transport Safety. harbours have rules too, but anyone endangering others can be prosecuted
    Regards,
    Grant ....

    I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply-doesn't-work
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