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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #101
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Wrexham, North Wales, UK

    Posts: 110,012
    I'm AudioAl'sArbiterForPISHANTO.

    Default

    Real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........

    I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

    A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

    Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

    Marco.
    Main System

    Turntable: Heavily-modified Technics SL-1210MK5G [Mike New bearing/ETP platter/Paul Hynes SR7 PSU & reg mods]. Funk Firm APM Achromat/Nagaoka GL-601 Crystal Record Weight/Isonoe feet & boots/Ortofon RS-212D/Denon DL-103GL in Denon PCL-300 headshell with Funk Firm Houdini/Kondo SL-115 pure-silver cartridge leads.

    Paul Hynes MC head amp/SR5 PSU. Also modded Lentek head amp/Denon AU-310 SUT.

    Other Cartridges: Nippon Columbia (NOS 1987) Denon DL-103. USA-made Shure SC35C with NOS stylus. Goldring G820 with NOS stylus. Shure M55E with NOS stylus.

    CD Player: Audiocom-modified Sony X-777ES/DAS-R1 DAC.

    Tape Deck: Tandberg TCD 310, fully restored and recalibrated as new, by RDE, plus upgraded with heads from the TCD-420a. Also with matching TM4 Norway microphones.

    Preamps: Heavily-modified Croft Charisma-X. LDR Stereo Coffee. Power Amps: Tube Distinctions Copper Amp fitted with Tungsol KT-150s. Quad 306.

    Cables & Sundries: Mark Grant HDX1 interconnects and digital coaxial cable, plus Mark Grant 6mm UP-LCOFC Van Damme speaker cable. MCRU 'Ultimate' mains leads. Lehmann clone headphone amp with vintage Koss PRO-4AAA headphones.

    Tube Distinctions digital noise filter. VPI HW16.5 record cleaning machine.

    Speakers: Tannoy 15MGs in Lockwood cabinets with modified crossovers. 1967 Celestion Ditton 15.


    Protect your HUMAN RIGHTS and REFUSE ANY *MANDATORY* VACCINE FOR COVID-19!

    Also **SAY NO** to unjust 'vaccine passports' or certificates, which are totally incompatible with a FREE society!!!


  2. #102
    Join Date: Jun 2008

    Location: Seattle & Portland

    Posts: 55

    Default

    Proof That the World Has Gone Bonkers!!!

    In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

    (Like THAT makes sense.)
    *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

    In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

    (Do they look different reversed?)
    *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

    Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

    (A brick?)
    *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
    The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. !

    (Much worse than 'going blind!')
    *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

    There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

    Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

    (Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
    *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

    In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

    The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

    (Ah! Justice!)
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

    (But of course!)
    *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

    In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

    (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
    *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~

    In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

    (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
    *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

    In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

    (Is this a great country or what?

    Well, not as great as Guam !)
    *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

    Banging your head against a wall uses

    150 calories an hour.

    (Who volunteers for this stuff?)
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

    (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
    *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

    The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

    (From drinking little bottles of???)

    (Did the government pay for this research??)
    *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

    Butterflies taste with their feet.

    (Ah, geez.)
    *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

    (I know some people like that.)
    *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

    Starfish don't have brains.

    (I know some people like that, too.)
    *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

    And, the best for last?

    Turtles can breathe through their butts.

    (And you thought you had bad breath in the morning!)
    Sansui: G-8000, AU-20000, AU-719, TU-666, TU-717, 2 AX-7s, SE-7, SC-1110, SC-3100, SR-333, SP-2000, SP-2500, RA-500. Yamaha: YP-D71. Denon: DL-160, DVD 2910. Shure V15 Type lll. Dual: 1019. Teac: PD-710M. Senheiser: HD600. Klipsch: Forte II. KLH: Model 10. Atwater Kent AM Console. Zenith: Transoceanic. RCA: Victor. and on and on and on
    The Avatar? June Foray, voice for Rocket J Squirrel.

  3. #103
    Join Date: Feb 2008

    Location: North East UK

    Posts: 6,358
    I'm InSpace.

    Default

    CAKE OR BED?
    A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
    FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

    'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
    IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

    HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
    'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
    I DON'T THINK SO!'

    'FINE!'

    THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
    'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
    IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

    TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
    'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
    DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
    WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
    I DON'T THINK SO!'

    'FINE!' SHE SAYS
    'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
    TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

    'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
    WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
    I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

    SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
    COUPLE OF HOURS................

    HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
    HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
    TO GO HOME

    AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
    THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

    AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
    HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

    AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
    THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

    HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'


    SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
    OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
    HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

    HE SAID,
    'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

    SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'
    Shian7
    --------------------------------------------------------

    Kudakutemo
    kudakutemo

    ari mizu-no tsuki

    Though it be be broken -
    broken again - still it's there:
    the moon on the water.

    - Choshu.

  4. #104
    Join Date: May 2008

    Location: Lancaster(-ish), UK

    Posts: 16,937
    I'm ChrisB.

    Default

    The English Professor at Harvard asked his class what their aspirations might be for the future and one of his students said he had a burning desire to become a great writer.

    The tutor asked him to define "great" and he said,

    "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

    So he got a job writing error messages for Microsoft, .

  5. #105
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Norfolk, UK

    Posts: 6,209
    I'm BigBobJoylove.

    Default

    LOL! Now that is funny, even more so as I am a dyed in the wool Apple fan.

    Ben Duncan mains conditioner
    2022 MacBook Pro 14" M1 Pro 10/16/16/16
    Samsung QE75Q90T 75" QLED TV
    XMOS DSD Async USB to Coax converter
    RME Audio ADI-2 FS (AK4493) DAC
    Chord Clearway XLR interconnects
    Audioquest Crimson USB interconnect
    QED Quartz Reference optical interconnect
    Edifier S3000 Pro active speakers
    Atacama SE24 stands

  6. #106
    Join Date: May 2008

    Location: Lancaster(-ish), UK

    Posts: 16,937
    I'm ChrisB.

    Default

    Heard something today that nearly made me drive into the ditch laughing........no, it wasn't the new album by....(insert name of most hated band artist here)........

    It was some dull programme on Radio 4 with Clive Anderson. One of the guests was David Soul. Now, here's the thing.... Mr Soul revealed to the world that his middle name was Richard. What's so funny about that? you may ask.

    I thought nothing of it, till he pointed out that this made him David R. Soul.

  7. #107
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Norfolk, UK

    Posts: 6,209
    I'm BigBobJoylove.

    Default

    Hehehehehe, very comical.

    Ben Duncan mains conditioner
    2022 MacBook Pro 14" M1 Pro 10/16/16/16
    Samsung QE75Q90T 75" QLED TV
    XMOS DSD Async USB to Coax converter
    RME Audio ADI-2 FS (AK4493) DAC
    Chord Clearway XLR interconnects
    Audioquest Crimson USB interconnect
    QED Quartz Reference optical interconnect
    Edifier S3000 Pro active speakers
    Atacama SE24 stands

  8. #108
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Norwich

    Posts: 1,064
    I'm Mike.

    Default Sister Act

    My sister's name is Virginia.

    We called her Virgin for short,

    but not for long.

    (You think I'm kidding?) (The first bit's true, anyway!)

  9. #109
    Join Date: Feb 2008

    Location: North East UK

    Posts: 6,358
    I'm InSpace.

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by The Grand Wazoo View Post
    I thought nothing of it, till he pointed out that this made him David R. Soul.
    Entirely appropriate if you ask me.
    Shian7
    --------------------------------------------------------

    Kudakutemo
    kudakutemo

    ari mizu-no tsuki

    Though it be be broken -
    broken again - still it's there:
    the moon on the water.

    - Choshu.

  10. #110
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Wrexham, North Wales, UK

    Posts: 110,012
    I'm AudioAl'sArbiterForPISHANTO.

    Default

    How about this for the name of a hi-fi company?

    http://www.erseaudio.com/Products/SpeakerHandles

    All I can say is it's a good job that it's not based in Scotland!!

    'Erse' in Scotland = 'arse', as in the quaint Glaswegian expression: 'The lazy shite does fuck all but sit on his erse o' day!'

    Priceless!!

    Marco.
    Main System

    Turntable: Heavily-modified Technics SL-1210MK5G [Mike New bearing/ETP platter/Paul Hynes SR7 PSU & reg mods]. Funk Firm APM Achromat/Nagaoka GL-601 Crystal Record Weight/Isonoe feet & boots/Ortofon RS-212D/Denon DL-103GL in Denon PCL-300 headshell with Funk Firm Houdini/Kondo SL-115 pure-silver cartridge leads.

    Paul Hynes MC head amp/SR5 PSU. Also modded Lentek head amp/Denon AU-310 SUT.

    Other Cartridges: Nippon Columbia (NOS 1987) Denon DL-103. USA-made Shure SC35C with NOS stylus. Goldring G820 with NOS stylus. Shure M55E with NOS stylus.

    CD Player: Audiocom-modified Sony X-777ES/DAS-R1 DAC.

    Tape Deck: Tandberg TCD 310, fully restored and recalibrated as new, by RDE, plus upgraded with heads from the TCD-420a. Also with matching TM4 Norway microphones.

    Preamps: Heavily-modified Croft Charisma-X. LDR Stereo Coffee. Power Amps: Tube Distinctions Copper Amp fitted with Tungsol KT-150s. Quad 306.

    Cables & Sundries: Mark Grant HDX1 interconnects and digital coaxial cable, plus Mark Grant 6mm UP-LCOFC Van Damme speaker cable. MCRU 'Ultimate' mains leads. Lehmann clone headphone amp with vintage Koss PRO-4AAA headphones.

    Tube Distinctions digital noise filter. VPI HW16.5 record cleaning machine.

    Speakers: Tannoy 15MGs in Lockwood cabinets with modified crossovers. 1967 Celestion Ditton 15.


    Protect your HUMAN RIGHTS and REFUSE ANY *MANDATORY* VACCINE FOR COVID-19!

    Also **SAY NO** to unjust 'vaccine passports' or certificates, which are totally incompatible with a FREE society!!!


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