Jokes & Funnies

[Oddball]

Just seen an interview with JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter. I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee.

[tapid]

Just seen an interview with JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter. I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee.

Thats pretty good Anto. Well, I thought I d say so considering there seems to be a deafening silence around for your funnies. Take care

[struth]

Just seen an interview with JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter. I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee.

[walpurgis]

[Roy S]

[Ian7633]

[IMG][/IMG]

[Ian7633]

[IMG][/IMG]

[nonuffin]

A man walks into a pub, perches on a bar stool and orders a pint of lager.

While he is supping his pint, he cannot help but notice three large sweet jars crammed full of £10 notes sat on a shelf behind the bar. He calls the landlord over and asks why those jars are full to the brim with £10 notes. The landlord replies they are the entry fees for the pub challenge that nobody has yet won. The man asks what exactly the pub challenge is, but the landlord says he must cough up the tenner first before he tells him. So the man duly hands over the tenner and the landlord quickly puts it into one of the jars.

It is then explained to him that the pub challenge is in three parts; he must drink an entire bottle of Tequila in one go without stopping, which will help him greatly in the second part of the challenge, which is to go out into the yard where his Rottweiler has a bad tooth which needs to be extracted. Two vets have been ripped to shreds even trying getting close to the dog and he is even nastier nowadays. The final part of the challenge is to go upstairs to the bedroom of the landlord's mother who at 90 years of age has never had an orgasm, so if the man can drink the Tequila, pull the dog's bad tooth and give mother an orgasm, he then wins the contents of all the jars.

After pint number three went down his neck for some courage, the man decides he will give it a go. The landlord hands him a bottle of Tequila and pops a pair of pliers into the man's pocket and tells him to begin when ready.

It took a full three minutes to drink the entire bottle of Tequila and by the end of that he was getting rather woozy so off he weaves towards the door out to the yard. No sooner had the door closed behind the man than a tremendous noise broke out of barking, snarling and growling which got louder and louder by the minute. After five minutes though the barking started to subdue, then some very gentle whimpering and then complete silence . . . . . . . . . .

The landlord was just about to call for an ambulance, when the man comes back through the door from the yard and what a sight he presented. All his clothes were completely ripped to shreds with blood dripping from hundreds of bite marks, but he was still standing and had a broad grin on his face.

"Now then" the man says, where is this little old lady with the bad tooth?

[Pigmy Pony]

Quality! Cheers Dominic

[nonuffin]

A young man called Jeremy was working at his desk in the City of London as a stock trader buying and selling shares all day of his working life, watching graphs and numbers flashing on 10 computer screens. The pay was good, but to him it was mind numbingly boring and very tedious. Then one day a man wearing a pinstripe suit and a bowler hat, carrying a leather briefcase walked into the office and asked for Jeremy by name. "Hello" said the man, "My name is Jones of Jones, Jones and Jones Solicitors". Jeremy was rather taken aback by the appearance of this fellow and very curious as to why he was asked for by name. "Let me explain why I am here" said Mr Jones, "Your dear Uncle Silas from Dorset has recently passed away and he has bequeathed his farm to you as sole beneficiary, so I need you to sign some documents and then the farm is all yours".

After Jones the Solicitor left, Jeremy thought long and hard about the farm that Uncle Silas had left him and decided the boss can shove all 10 computer screens up his jacksy for all he cared at that moment, as the attractions of the rural life had to be better than this. Jeremy went home, packed some clothes into a suitcase and off he went to rural Dorset . . . . . . .

There was only one small flaw in the newly appointed Jeremy the Farmer's plan that he hadn't even considered. He knew sweet FA about farming.

When he arrived at the farm he expected neatly tended crops already growing in the fields, cattle and sheep grazing contentedly on the sweet lush grass, but there was nothing, no crops, no livestock, a rundown barn with a rusty tractor and a small farmhouse, that were the actual realities of what he had inherited.

Jeremy was no fool though, he went straight round to the farm next door to seek some farming wisdoms from an experienced neighbour. Farmer Brown said to Jeremy "Cattle, that's what ole Silas kept, never done no cabbages, or kerrits, or taters and such-which, young feller". Jeremy asked where to get some cattle from and Brown said "Oill take 'ee down market an gessum", so off they went.

Jeremy bought 50 cows at the market under Brown's guidance, put them into his field and they seemed quite happy chomping on the lush sweet grass. "What's next Mr Brown?". "Yoo gots to have a bull too young feller, cows is not happy unlesses they has a bull around the place". Back they go to the market and buy the biggest and best looking bull you ever did see - a magnificent animal if ever there was one. They put the bull in with the cows and watched awhile for errrrrm, developments. Nothing. All the cows were laying down chewing grass, so too was the bull and this went on for days and days . . . . . . . "'Ee be off colour me says" says Farmer Brown "Sin this before, you needs to get the vet chap over". The vet duly arrives and looks in the bull's eyes, up it's nostrils, sticks a thermometer up it's rear end too, so the progosis is the bull needs some pep up pills.

The vet opens his black bag and takes out a tiny little metal pill box with some tiny pink pills in and pops one of these tiny pills into the bull's mouth. Within seconds, the bull is pawing at the ground, swishing it's tail around in circles, gives a huge bellow and starts chasing the cows around the field, mounting each and every one of them in less than 30 minutes. Not content with 50 cows, he smashes down the fence to the next farm and sorts out all the cows in those fields and the next two farms as well for good measure. Jeremy and the vet evetually find the bull on it's back with all 4 legs in the air, completely exhausted. The vet opens his black bag again and takes out a tiny blue pill box with tiny blue pills in as the antidote to the tiny pink pill and lead him gently back to the farm to recover.

This got Jeremy thinking . . . . . . he asked the vet if he could have one of the pink pills because his girlfriend was coming down to see him *NUDGE, NUDGE*. "Oh no" said the vet, "much too strong for you, see what it did to a two ton animal?" Jeremy pleaded as best he could and the vet agreed to give him only a dust particle and not a whole pink pill. "I will be round with the antidote tomorrow" said the vet.

The following day the vet arrived at the farmhouse and found a very frazzled looking Jeremy conked out on the sofa. "Wake up Jeremy, I need to give you the blue antidote and of course some treatment for your poor back" said the vet. "Jeremy replied "Never mind a bad back, give me something for my poor arm, the girlfriend never showed up".