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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1621
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

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    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

    By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever had an accident.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
    ***
    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
    ***
    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.
    ***
    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.
    ***
    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
    ***
    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.
    ***
    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.
    ***
    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.
    ***
    P: IFF inoperative on OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
    ***
    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.
    ***
    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
    ***
    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
    ***
    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
    ***
    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.
    ***
    And the best one for last:
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  2. #1622
    Join Date: Feb 2020

    Location: Clitheroe, Lancs

    Posts: 742
    I'm Pete.

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    Haha good one

  3. #1623
    Join Date: Mar 2008

    Location: Galashiels

    Posts: 13,669
    I'm inthescottishmafia.

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    “Music has always been a matter of energy to me, a question of fuel. Sentimental people call it inspiration, but what they really mean is fuel. I have always needed fuel. I am a serious consumer. On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio”

    Hunter S Thompson

  4. #1624
    Join Date: Oct 2012

    Location: The Black Country

    Posts: 6,089
    I'm Alan.

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    Love it Ali.

  5. #1625
    Alex_UK's Avatar
    Alex_UK is offline Spotify + Facebook Moderator / Chilled-Out Wino and only here for the shilling
    Join Date: Aug 2009

    Location: Sunny Suffolk, UK

    Posts: 15,952
    I'm WrappingALilacCurtainAroundMyBobby.

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    Alex

    Main System: Digital: HP Laptop/M2Tech Hiface/Logitech Media Server/FLAC; Marantz SA7001 KI Signature SACD Player and other digital stuff into Gatorised Beresford Caiman DAC Vinyl: Garrard 401/SME 3009 SII Improved/Sumiko HS/Nagaoka MP-30
    Amplifier: Rega Brio R. Speakers: Spendor SP1. Cables: Various, mainly Mark Grant.
    Please see "about me" for the rest of my cr@p! Gallery


    A.o.S. on Facebook - A.o.S. on Spotify - A.o.S. on Twitter

    There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing and be nothing Aristotle

  6. #1626
    Join Date: Mar 2008

    Location: Galashiels

    Posts: 13,669
    I'm inthescottishmafia.

    Default

    Yeah I liked it.
    “Music has always been a matter of energy to me, a question of fuel. Sentimental people call it inspiration, but what they really mean is fuel. I have always needed fuel. I am a serious consumer. On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio”

    Hunter S Thompson

  7. #1627
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

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    While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
    Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
    "I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
    She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
    "That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
    "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
    Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
    Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
    "My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  8. #1628
    Join Date: Mar 2008

    Location: Galashiels

    Posts: 13,669
    I'm inthescottishmafia.

    Default

    “Music has always been a matter of energy to me, a question of fuel. Sentimental people call it inspiration, but what they really mean is fuel. I have always needed fuel. I am a serious consumer. On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio”

    Hunter S Thompson

  9. #1629
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

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    Michael Gove needed some good news on the Andrew Marr show. Someone said that some Turkish gowns were available and his eyes lit up with delight.
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  10. #1630
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

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    Some complaints to the Council.

    My bush is really overgrown round the front & my back passage has fungus growing in it.

    It's the dog mess I find hard to swallow.

    I want some repairs done to my cooker as it back fired and burnt my knob of.

    Their 18 yr old is continually banging his balls against my fence.
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

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