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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1691
    Join Date: Nov 2008

    Location: Valley of the Hazels

    Posts: 9,139
    I'm AMusicFanNotAnAudiophile.

    Default Public Service Announcement

    Chris



    Common sense isn't anymore!

  2. #1692
    Join Date: Jul 2009

    Location: Hampshire, UK

    Posts: 3,662
    I'm Adam.

    Default

    Engineers: fixing problems you didn't know you had in ways you don't understand.

  3. #1693
    Join Date: Feb 2010

    Location: Moved to frozen north, beyond Inverness

    Posts: 2,602
    I'm Dave.

    Default

    Just noticed this book as an offer today on Amazon - shown on the eBay site here ....

    https://www.ebay.co.uk/i/333641413879

    I'm not sure if I can link directly to the image, or if that would cause problems!

    Dave

  4. #1694
    Join Date: Jan 2009

    Location: Essex

    Posts: 31,853
    I'm openingabottleofwine.

    Default



    I'm waiting for the Ladybird version.

    BTW have you seen the Haynes Manual on sex?

    Barry

  5. #1695
    Join Date: Jul 2009

    Location: Hampshire, UK

    Posts: 3,662
    I'm Adam.

    Default

    Engineers: fixing problems you didn't know you had in ways you don't understand.

  6. #1696
    Join Date: Nov 2013

    Location: Powys

    Posts: 1,199
    I'm David.

    Default

    A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must Abstain from sex for one whole month.'
    The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
    When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
    'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.
    'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly
    The priest asked him what happened.
    'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
    The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
    However, the third week was unbearable.
    We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.
    One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.
    The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'
    'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase, either.”

  7. #1697
    Join Date: Mar 2008

    Location: Galashiels

    Posts: 13,669
    I'm inthescottishmafia.

    Default

    “Music has always been a matter of energy to me, a question of fuel. Sentimental people call it inspiration, but what they really mean is fuel. I have always needed fuel. I am a serious consumer. On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio”

    Hunter S Thompson

  8. #1698
    Join Date: Dec 2010

    Location: North Lincs

    Posts: 193
    I'm Keith.

    Default

    Most people will have heard of Karl Marx but few know of his sister Onya the inventor of the starting pistol.

  9. #1699
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

    Default

    A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me”.
    Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
    After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
    After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
    "She's finally gone...yeah I know, it is about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you..can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like.”
    He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.
    She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
    "I can see your feet.
    We're outta bread; be back in five minutes
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  10. #1700
    Join Date: Jan 2019

    Location: Kent UK

    Posts: 409
    I'm Martin.

    Default

    An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love, Papa

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Pop,
    Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
    Love,
    Vinnie

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Pop,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love you,


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

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