Jokes & Funnies

[RobbieGong]

Under current guidelines nobody should cough within 2 metres of you. If they do then it is to be recorded as a ‘near cough’ and you should immediately instruct them to 'far cough.’…

lol - Had this as a WhatsApp message a few days ago - love it

[Ian7633]

Im suprised no one made a thing out of Paul Hardcastle '19'

n n n n not yet not yet

[Beobloke]

Latest royal news - Prince Charles is self-isolating in Scotland with Covid-19. Prince Andrew is self-isolating at Windsor with Jennifer - 16.

[Oddball]

Just caught an absolutely disgusting pervert on the bus watching porn over my shoulder!

[Oddball]

My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns...

Well, toucan play at that game!

---------------------------------------------

My girlfriend says she's leaving me because of my obsession with KitKats...

I suggested we have a break!

---------------------------------------------

I called the doctor. "My wife is going into labour! What should I do?"

"Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband!

----------------------------------------------

I'm not saying I'm concerned about catching Covid-19 but I did my 20 mins

walk via Google Earth street view today...

-----------------------------------------------

[Oddball]

An Irishman's first drink with his son:

While reading an article last night about fathers and the sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?

He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.

He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so s**t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

[Oddball]

Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid idiots, because I wasn't even home yesterday."

[Oddball]

Irish Confession

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him,"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

[Oddball]

I went out on a date with a dentist many years ago.

At the end of the evening she said she would like to see me again in 6 months time!

[Oddball]

Diane Abbott to take the Corona Virus test................but only if there are no maths questions.