Jokes & Funnies

[Oddball]

Doctor, I've been thinking I may be a moth for some time now.

Really? So what made you call in to see me today?

Oh, I saw the light at the window.......




Doctor, I get a pain in my eye when I drink coffee.

Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup?


Doctor, doctor, some days I feel like a marquee, and others I feel like a wigwam.

Yes, I can see you are two tents

[Oddball]

Young Richard keeps pestering dad for a TV in his bedroom . Dad eventually caves in and puts one upstairs . Next morning Richard comes downstairs and says " Dad what's love juice" Dad is mortified to hear this and immediately decides to teach Richard the facts of life. By the way , he says, which programme where you watching?
Wimbledon , says Richard.

[Oddball]

It was a Wednesday afternoon at the nursing home and it was time for the weekly sing along with Alice at the piano.

The communal room was packed with elderly residents and after the sing along there was a special guest artist, Claude the hypnotist. Claude took the stage and announced that he was going to hypnotise them all together and added that they must do exactly what he said.

Claude began his act by taking out his grandfather's gold pocket watch on a chain, a family heirloom that was very precious to Claude. He began swinging the watch from side to side repeating the words. Watch the watch, watch the watch". Very soon the old people were in a trance and Claude continued to saying. "Watch the watch, Watch the watch". Then all of a sudden the watch broke away from the chain, fell on the floor and broke into pieces. Claude was absolutely distraught and in his panic shouted "SHIT" and it took them three days to clean out the room. He was never invited back.

[Oddball]

I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in the street bar one.

That will be the snooty bitch at No 20 she replied!

[Oddball]

Just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of my penis. Definitely won't be shagging one of those again.

[Oddball]

And finally ,the one that made me laugh the most

Travelling salesman is in the middle of deepest Wales traveling back home late at night, when he is need of a comfort stop and liquid refreshment. being in the days before drink driving, decides to stop at the next pub he passes, which happens to be a pub in the middle of nowhere up on the moor.
A little surprised by the number of cars in the carpark, as he's about to enter he can hear the hum of conversation comeing from within the pub, as he enters an eerie silence befalls the pub as the locals realise a stranger is amongst them.
Everyone is watching him as he approaches the bar......
"What would you be wanting" asks the barman
"I'll take shandy if i may"
Pouring the beer the barman strikes up following conversation with the rest of pub listening intently....
"Gather from your accent you not be from around here and be from over the border "
"That's correct"
"So what bring's you round this part then, if you don't mind me asking"
"I've been going round selling some of my products"
"What product's would they be then"
"Easiest way to explain what I sell , is that I'm actually a taxidermist"
"Taxidermist ?" confused the barman says "what would a taxidermist be then ?"
Replying the salesman says " easiest way to explain what I do as a taxidermist is that I stuff animals..."
Turning to the rest of the bar , the barman shouts "its ok boys , he's one of us !!"

[Oddball]

A Russian spy, IRA sympathiser and racist walks into a bar and the barman says “The usual, Mr Corbyn?”

[Oddball]

Sex & Grammar.
On his 74th birthday, Roy got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, Roy drove to the reservation and handed his ticket to the medicine man. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only one teaspoonful, and then say '1, 2, 3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
Roy was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
Roy was very eager to see if the medicine worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[Oddball]

Robin Hood was lying on his death bed, he called all his men together and said I want you to do one last thing for me. He called Will Scarlet bring me my trusty long bow then he called Little John pass me one of my trusty arrows then Robin said wheresoever this arrow lands I want you to bury me.

So they buried him on top of the wardrobe.

[Oddball]

What do you get if you cross an Australian wind instrument with a virgin?
A didgerydont.