Jokes & Funnies

[Techno Commander]

More scandal at the BBC

Someone has reported seeing Rod Hull fisting a young bird !

[northwest]

More scandal at the BBC

Someone has reported seeing Rod Hull fisting a young bird !

LMFAO!

[walpurgis]

When I die,

I want to go like Grandad did, in my sleep.




Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car!

[synsei]

From this weeks Mock The Week:

"I'd have five pounds on the Dalai Lama if I were a Tibetan man..."

[Roy S]

Why do divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat

[walpurgis]

My Thai girlfriend says having a small penis should not hinder our sex life.

She may be right,

but I'd be happier if she didn't have one!

[Roy S]

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

[northwest]

What really happened, when Elton John and David Furnish, decided to have a baby.
They had their sperm mixed together, and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby was born, Elton and David, were waiting at the hospital.

They were ushered into a ward, where a dozen babies, were lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely.

A nurse came over to both of them, and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these unhappy babies ..... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!!!"

[northwest]

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? £124,237.64" replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's fecked, you might as well gan fishing.

[snapper]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ah've got everythin' organised awready, the flewurs, the church, the caurs, the recepshun, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be merrit in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?...."

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white."