Jokes & Funnies

[system7]

Apparently there’s now a cure for dyslexia.

This news was music to my arse.

I didn't get that one...

A man was found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.

[system7]

Shall I tell you the Football Joke about Chelsea?

I know this is true because it was told to me by a Queen's Council.

It was the last game of the season. Chelsea had to win to stay up.

They lost.

Yon football thug kicked a Policeman in the shin in frustration. Ended up in Court.

"Your Honour", quoth he, "we was going down."

"And so are you, young man. Two Years."

[Barry]

Now tell me a joke about the Germ.

All you have to do is scroll back a page or two - or can't you do that?

[Barry]

I didn't get that one...

I take it you were joking; either that or you don't know what dyslexia is.

Otherwise your following joke was quite good (well it put a smile on my face).

[system7]

I did scroll back. But found few Covid Jokes worthy of my consideration.

I was expecting funnier stuff.

A man walks into a bar, Oof. It was an Iron bar.

I actually saw Tommy Cooper on stage. What a Comedian.

[Beobloke]

PORTSMOUTH & SURROUNDING AREAS LOCKDOWN PROTOCOL

PAULSGROVE - you are able to fight your neighbour providing you wear a mask and social distancing rules are adhered to.

LEIGH PARK - burgling homes in your local area is still permitted providing you sanitise before and after the offence. Track and trace technology must also be used.

SOMERS TOWN - you can only visit your dealer when collecting your children from school. The dealer should wear a face visor and make sure all bags are sanitised. Please use a child buggy for transporting large quantities of any recreational pharmaceuticals.

BUCKLAND - Vigilante groups of no more than six allowed outdoors and socially distancing between the hours of 10pm - 2am only. You must wear suitable PPE for any physical contact. All knives should be sterilised prior to use.

PORTSEA/THE HARD - prostitute services are still permitted to remain open, this is now classed as essential services for fear of the economic collapse of the area. Entry from the rear only.

FRATTON - Now declared a NO GO ZONE (in 1984), if you must travel to this area please follow all diversions, traffic cones and signals, remain in your car, do not abandon your car, masks are not required as nothing is open and hasn't been for years.

ISLE OF WIGHT- Everyone must remain at home and self isolate until manufacturers can distribute gloves with 6 fingers. Please do not go to A&E for digit removal as they are a tad busy.

SOUTHSEA - Covid in these parts does not exist, therefore you should carry on as you were, house hopping, social gatherings, drunken parties and fireworks until January are mandatory, Survival of the fittest, we're currently testing 'herd immunity' in these areas.

Stick to these guidelines and we'll get through it together.

[Roy S]

I was expecting funnier stuff.

A man walks into a bar, Oof. It was an Iron bar.

Irony

[system7]

Tommy Cooper's jokes were always stupid. But he was a physical comedian. Did daft magic tricks too.

His body language alone made you giggle. He sadly collapsed and died on stage.

The audience thought it was a gag. And laughed.



There was a study that said humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I think it's true, because I've never eaten a monkey.

On Monday we start Diarrhoea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday.

A store worker fought off a robber with a labeling gun. The police are looking for a bald man with a price on his head.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

[struth]

Irony

Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.

boom, boom

[Roy S]

There was a study that said humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I think it's true, because I've never eaten a monkey.

On Monday we start Diarrhoea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday.

A store worker fought off a robber with a labeling gun. The police are looking for a bald man with a price on his head.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.

boom, boom