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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1141
    Join Date: Nov 2011

    Location: Romford

    Posts: 11,057
    I'm sorted.

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  2. #1142
    Join Date: Feb 2013

    Location: W Lothian

    Posts: 99,005
    I'm Grant.

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    its a funny feeling being older than your dad
    Regards,
    Grant .... ؠ ......Don't be such a big girl's blouse

    I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply-doesn't-work
    .... ..... ...... ...... ................... ..... ..... ..... ..... .....
    FIIO K7 BT, M11 PLUS, BTR7, KA5 - OPPO BDP-103D - PANASONIC UB450 - PANASONIC 4K ULTRA HD TV - PIXEL 6 - AVANTREE LR BLUETOOTH - 2* X600 SOUNDCORE - HEADPHONES INCLUDE, FIIO, NURAPHONES', FOCAL, OPPO, BOSE, CAMBRIDGE, BOWER & WILKINS, DEVIALET, MARSHALL, SONY, MITCHELL & JOHNSTON - 2*ZBOOK'S- MERCURY BD ROM, ROON, QOBUZ, TIDAL, PLEX, CYBERLINK, JRIVER - MULTI HDD'S -

    Oh my god! There's nothing wrong with the bidet is there?

    “Nothing discloses real character like the use of power. It is easy for the weak to be gentle. Most people can bear adversity. But if you wish to know what a man really is, give him power. This is the supreme test. It is the glory of Lincoln that, having almost absolute power, he never abused it, except on the side of mercy".

    “You see these dictators on their pedestals, surrounded by the bayonets of their soldiers and the truncheons of their police ... yet in their hearts there is unspoken fear. They are afraid of words and thoughts: words spoken abroad, thoughts stirring at home -- all the more powerful because forbidden -- terrify them. A little mouse of thought appears in the room, and even the mightiest potentates are thrown into panic.”

    "You don't have free will. You have the appearance of free will.”

    “There's a war out there, old friend. A world war. And it's not about who's got the most bullets. It's about who controls the information. What we see and hear, how we work, what we think... it's all about the information!”


    ***SMILE, BE HAPPY***

  3. #1143
    Join Date: Oct 2015

    Location: Woodmancote, West Sussex

    Posts: 1,629
    I'm Ian.

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    Turntable
    Toshiba SR-370/Mission 774/Van Damme cable with MS Starline plugs/Ortofon Quintet Black
    CD
    Cambridge CXC transport/modified Musical Fidelity X-DAC/modified Musical Fidelity X-10 V3 tube buffer
    Network Player
    Cambridge NP30
    Amplifier
    Denon HA-500 head amp/Nakamichi CA-5E pre-amp/Chinese passive RVC/Proton AA-1150 DMC power amp
    Speakers
    Mordaunt Short Signifer on original factory stands
    Cables
    Mogami with Rean Neutrik plugs/NVA LS5
    Headphones
    Sennheiser HD600/Sennheiser HD650/Koss Pro4 AA

  4. #1144
    Join Date: May 2012

    Location: Eastbourne UK

    Posts: 687
    I'm Geoffrey.

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    A teacher asked her class to name something that ends with 'tor' that eats things.

    The first little boy Timmy says, "Alligator, miss".

    "Very good, that's a big word."

    The second boy William says, "Predator, miss".

    "Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

    Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, miss."

    After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

    Little Johnny says, "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"




    Almost 40 years together and my Wife still gets upset if I use her toothbrush!



    So if any of you knows of another way to get dog poo out of trainers I'm all ears?


    As I put another log on the fire last night, I thought.......

    Really must get this bloody toilet fixed!


    History celebrates Emily Davison, the suffragette who threw herself under the King's horse at the Derby in 1913.

    Sadly, no-one remembers Mr Davison, who had to make his own tea that evening.


    A bloke goes to a supermarket checkout with 1 egg, 1 sausage, 1 tomato and 1 mushroom.
    Checkout lass asks him whilst she is serving him "Do you by any chance live alone" ?
    Bloke replies "no, but why do you ask" ?
    Checkout lass replies "because your such an ugly fcu%er "

  5. #1145
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

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    James Bond is laid off and at the job centre, there are only two jobs available, one in a call centre and the other in a fabric colouring plant.

    "Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

    "No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  6. #1146
    Join Date: Jun 2014

    Location: Chorley Lancs

    Posts: 14,590
    I'm Steve.

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    Sam the snail wanted to be an Olympic runner. He thought he might go quicker by discarding his shell, but it just made him more sluggish.

  7. #1147
    Join Date: Oct 2012

    Location: The Black Country

    Posts: 6,089
    I'm Alan.

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    That's awful, but funny.

  8. #1148
    Join Date: Apr 2015

    Location: Southampton, United Kingdom

    Posts: 619
    I'm Paul.

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    This came from British bluesman Aynsley Lister on social media




    A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

    The judge says, "First offender?"

    She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

    Linn Sondek LP12, Ittok, AT-F7
    Schiit Mani MK1 Phono Pre-Amp
    Nobsound NS-08P Bluetooth pre-amp
    Marantz CD5004 CD Player
    Pure DAB tuner
    2 x Meridian 205 monoblock power amps
    Tannoy T225 "Mayfair" speakers
    www.paulridgeblog.com

  9. #1149
    Join Date: Jun 2014

    Location: Chorley Lancs

    Posts: 14,590
    I'm Steve.

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    one day, a zebra was walking through the grasslands, and he came across a dead lion, with a monkey sat on top of it.

    The zebra said, Hey monkey, did you kill that lion?"

    "Yes I did, quite impressive eh?"

    "What did you kill it with?"

    "My club."

    "Wow, it must be a big club."

    "Yeah, there's about 120 of us."

  10. #1150
    Join Date: Apr 2015

    Location: Central Virginia

    Posts: 1,736
    I'm Russell.

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    Late in the day a woman answers the door, and it’s her husband’s boss from the distillery where he worked. The boss says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but your husband died on the job today, he drowned in the vat of liquor.”,
    “I hope he didn’t suffer”, she said, and the boss said, “I don’t think so, we pulled him out 3 times!”.

    Russell

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