Jokes & Funnies

[Audio Al]

Two couples got married on the same day and ended up in the same hotel for their honeymoon.

One evening, the girls having already gone to bed, the two men had a couple of drinks together in the bar. As time went on the men started to get boastful and Geoff claimed he could make love to his wife more times than John. Fired up with booze, John accepted the challenge and they agreed to meet the following morning with the results.

“Last night, I made love to my wife 3 times” said Geoff at breakfast time. “What about you?” John replied, “34 times.” “What!!” exclaimed Geoff. “OK, double or nothing, let’s see what happens tonight.”

The next day Geoff arrived in the dining room looking knackered. “7 times,” he said to John. John laughed. “You lose again, 48 times for me.” “Well that’s unbelievable, how do you manage it?” “Listen, I’ll show you. Put your hips back, then push forward quickly. That’s one. Now, pull your hips back again and push forward quickly. That’s two…”

Dont give up your day job will you

[Scorps]

sorry it the sad ones that tickle me like

The pompous club pro was challenged to a round of golf by one of the less experienced members for a prize of £100.
The pro, smiling to himself, immediately took up the challenge, “but,” said his partner, “as long as you agree that I can have two ‘geronimos’.” Not knowing what these were, but confident in his own ability, the club pro agrees.
At the end of the round, the other members are astonished to see the pro handing over £100.
“We can’t believe it” they said. “What happened?” “Well, I was just swinging my club down for the first hole, when my partner grabs me by the bollocks and shouts ‘geronimo’.” Imagine trying to play the next 17 holes, waiting for the second one.”

[Oddball]

So this moth goes into a podiatrist's office. The podiartrist asks the moth, "What seems to be the problem?"

The moth says, "I don't know where to start. I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. I've been at the same job for twenty years and I don't just hate it, I'm revolted by it. I can barely summon the strength to drag myself in every day but I have no choice because I'm in debt up to my compound eyes. The idea of doing this job for years more just makes me sick. I've grown apart from my wife. She's no longer the woman I loved, and I can barely stand to be around her but I feel guilty for feeling that way about her. It just eats me up inside. My daughter's shacked up at eighteen with a guy I can't stand who's terrible for her and she dropped out of school, but she won't listen to reason and it breaks my heart. And my son... I just don't know if I love my own son, because he reminds me of everything I hate about myself. I look into his eyes and see the same digusting, snivelling cowardice I know everyone sees in mine. I can't even work up the courage to put an end to it all. I feel like my entire life is nothing more than a fragile web of lies just barely holding me back from the screaming abyss."

The podiatrist says to the moth, "You do seem to have a lot of problems, but I'm a podiatrist. You need to see a therapist, a psychiatrist even. Why did you come to me?"
And the moth says, "The light was on."

[Oddball]

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'Then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark

[Oddball]

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. I don't understand the sudden change of heart, but who am I to ask. I'm so lucky...

I mean, first I win the lottery and now this!

[Oddball]

BLONDE Jokes!!!!!!!!!!!

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

[Oddball]

And save the best - till last

A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier:
"I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."

So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.

The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...
One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said:
"No, you might have a snake in there."
The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and screamed:
"That smells like sh!t."
The lady replied:
"It is... I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper please."

[Scorps]

Good ones there Anto

[Oddball]

Thanks Pete - Hope youre keeping ok mate? Did your shop come ok ?

[Oddball]

My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning...

I love felt tip pens!