As the thread title says!
I'll start of with this:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1735982
Pay particular attention to the facial expression of the guy in green. Priceless!
:mental::mental::mental: :lolsign:
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As the thread title says!
I'll start of with this:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1735982
Pay particular attention to the facial expression of the guy in green. Priceless!
:mental::mental::mental: :lolsign:
Seen in Billericay, Essex, and Thanet,
A fish & chip shop called THE CODFATHER
A house cleaning company van, signwritten with SPRUCE SPRINGCLEAN
A hairdresser (many do have amusing names). HAIRY POPPINS
In the wild, how can one tell a weasel from a stoat ?
One is weasily recognised but the other is stoatally different.
Why can't you obtain aspirin from any chemists in the Amazon basin?
Because the paracetamol.
MUSICAL JOKE
What resultant sound comes from dropping a grand piano onto a military barracks?
A flat major
Oh, well! Just doing my bit, Shian7
great, made me laugh anyway, any more???Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Reed
Thank you, Anthony.
Shall post another or two over the b. h.
A bloke visits a zoo and is disappointed to find only a dog there...
...it was a shitzu
How many marketing men does it take to spam a forum?
Whoops! sorry - that is not a joke :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
Yes, Super Muppet, we need a new rant. So get to it!
Did you get the message from Rob about the new room with mod facilities we're going to give you? :eyebrows:
Meanwhile, here's a little joke-ette:
Rev John Flapps sees a lady church member getting drunk in the pub. He tries to take her home but they fall and he ends up on top of her. The landlord says:
"Oi mate you can't do that in here!".
The Rev replies: "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps".
The landlord replies: "Well if you're that far in you may as well finish!"
Marco.
Heather Mills has bought a plane with her divorce settlement, but plans to carry on using Immac on her other leg...
SIMON & PETER
Simon and Peter have been sharing a new flat for a couple of months.
"Peter", says Simon one day, " my mother is hinting strongly that it's about time we invited her round to see the new place".
"Fine", says Peter, "send her an e-mail". "Yeah!", responded Simon, " but you don't know my mother; something ALWAYS goes walkies after one of her visits".
Anyway, Simon contacted his mother, who duly came round to dinner a week later. Simon couln't help noticing throughout the meal that his mother kept giving furtive glances at Peter. After the meal, Simon pulled his mother to one side and questioned her slightly strange behaviour.
"Your new flatmate Peter is a very handsome boy", she said in a suggestive tone. Simon, realising the insinuation, replied in a defensive but assertive voice that he and Peter were simply friends and flatmates; end of story! His mother eventually departed, to both the boys' relief.
Ten days later, Peter said to Simon, "Simon, have you seen the frying-pan? I've looked everywhere for it these last few days and assumed you had broken it or something".
"That's funny", replied Simon, "I've been wondering where it was, too; maybe my mother appropriated it when she was here; I told you what she was like! I'll e-mail her to ask".
'Dear mother', Simon wrote, 'I'm not saying that you DID walk off with our new frying-pan, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T walk off with it, but it's been missing since your visit'
His mother e-mailed back promptly with the message 'Dear Simon, I'm not saying that you DO sleep with Peter, and I'm not saying that you DON'T sleep with him, but I'd have thought that he would have found it in his bed by now'
What the hell is 'IMMAC'?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Reed
http://www.dooyoo.co.uk/body-care/im...moving-mousse/
:lolsign:
Nope!Quote:
Originally Posted by Marco
But is it now necessary, the vote seems to be agreeing they have to be controlled in some way, and if they are controlled and can't spam the forum they will leave, so QED.
S'up to you. If you want it we'll give it to you. Have a think. It might be a useful 'haven' in future ;)
Yes, the vote looks as if it's going that way. The poll closes at the end of today. I have the feeling Ashley and jc won't contribute on those terms, so IMO they're as good as gone, which is shame (although I know you won't agree).
Marco.
Hair removal cream. Maybe I should have said 'stick with waxing' or something!Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Reed
Ed.
I like a man who's in touch with his feminine side ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Ed
Lily
Paddy and Mick are walking down a country lane...
They see a big cow so Paddy walks over to it, lifts up its tail and kisses it right on the arse.
"You dirty b*stard.” says Mick. "What did you do that for?"
"I've got chapped lips.” says Paddy.
"Well that's not gonna make them better!” says Mick.
"No", says Paddy, "But It'll stop me f*ckin' lickin' them!"
Marco.
Thanks, SNAPPER & ED.Quote:
Originally Posted by snapper
I used to enjoy those, but didn't realise the consequences. I'll stick to yogurt in future!
Even Stephen Fry takes the piss out of Norfolk; can't think why!
Two old Norfolk boys were watching a hearse roll slowly by. As it disappeared into the distance, one asked "Who died, then?"
" 'im in the box, I reckon", said the other.
"Yis", mused the first old boy, " driver looked orrite".
Little Johnny walks in to his parent's bedroom and sees his dad giving his mum one.
His dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts: "Get out!"
A little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's room, so he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his gran.
Johnny just looks at him and says: "Not so f*ckin funny when it's your mum, is it?"
Marco.
Jock and Jimmy were feeling peckish so went into a baker's shop.
"Is that a doughnut or a meringue?", asked Jock.
"Och, no, y're nay wrang", said Jimmy, " it's a doughnut"
(Think about it........)
A young Scots lad comes home from school and exclaims to his mother
"Mum, guess what! I've got a part in the school play".
"That's fantastic", his mother exclaims with pride, " what part are you playing?"
"I'm playing the part of the Scottish husband in this family drama", the lad said excitedly.
"WHAT?", his mother blurted out, " how DARE they! Now you go straight back to your teacher tomorrow and tell him you want a speaking part!"
I have found Marco on t'internet, he is here (ignore the bollocks about milk at the start):
http://www.joecartoon.com/cartoons/147-monkey_looker
:lolsign:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marco
Oi!.... keep ya politics outa ma jokes thread! :upyours:
Check out Mr Methane!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ofn8-3SWd8M
:lolsign:
Marco.
Did he have a pair of ADM9's in his underpants :lol::lol::lol::lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Marco
Oh sorry couldn't resist it, of course the ADM9 can shi(f)t more air than that:lolsign::lolsign:
No really I don't mean it, though if the ADM9 ever had to clear it's throat I would get out of the firing line. :mex:
Enough already before I poooo myself laughing:crowd:
Really though the ADM9 is a great product almost as entertaining as Mr Methane so :unfair::sorry::peace: Ashley
First-year students at a Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class with a dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the carcass covered with a white sheet
The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the backside of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' He told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
I have heard this before, GROMIT, but it's still a good one. My lady wiffie was highly tickled by it. I was beginning to think I had an odd bent on humour.
Must post another, being so encouraged.
What noise emanates from treading on a grape?
A little whine. (almost at cracker joke level)
A pensioner, in bed with his wife, hears the door-bell ring late at night. He chooses to ignore it, but his wife insists that he finds out who it is.
He goes to the front door, opens it and is confronted by an Irishman, slightly the worse for wear, who says " "Evenin' sor. Sorry t' trouble yous, but can ye give us a push?"
The pensioner slams the door and stomps up to bed.
"Who was that, dear?" his wife asks.
"Some drunken Irishman asking for a push; at THIS time of night", he replied
"But my dear, he could have his family with him in the car, and they could be tired and hungry, etc, etc...." his wife admonished.
So he goes down again and opens the front door and peers out into the foggy night. "Hullo there" he shouts, again and again.
Just about to turn back inside, he hears a voice a short distance away.
"Please give us a push, sor".
"Where are you?" shouted the householder.
"Over here, on your swing", came the reply.
Nag nag nag...
A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the judge had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'...and on and on and on.....
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bath, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said, to which he whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP'??
Ho! Ho!
Took me a minute, though!. Nice and subtle.
Does anybody else on this forum read these, or are we a two-man band?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Reed
Don't know about anybody else,but I read and enjoy.
Me to. I also forward some to friends in e-mails.:)
Keep em coming! :)
A mouse goes into a music shop and asks for a mouth organ. After selecting his preferred instrument, he pays and is just about to walk out when the shop assistant says
" Excuse me sir, but we only sell two or three of those in a year, yet only last week another mouse came in and bought the self-same mouth-organ"
"Oh, really?", remarked the mouse, " I imagine that would be OUR MONICA"
Doh!
Paddy on death row gets the chance to be shot, hung or injected with the AIDS virus. "Give me that AIDS stuff" he says. So they inject him and he rolls around on the floor laughing. The Warden says "What's so funny?" Paddy replies "I'm wearing a condom!"
.........................
Two dwarfs pull a couple of girls and head off for a night of passion. The first dwarf can't get it up, and to make matters worse all night he can hear the second dwarf saying "Here I come again... 1, 2 ,3 urrgh!"
Next morning the first dwarf says to the second "How embarrassing, I couldn't even get an erection." His mate looks at him and says "You think that's bad. I couldn't even get on the f*cking bed!"
Yep, every single post in fact. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Reed
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
"Oi, what's your disability?"
I said "Tourettes! Now f**k off!"
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he
can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.
"Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says
"F**king hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate
whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"
"No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"
I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today,
but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling,
I was a hooker!".
He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit
that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".
She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !".
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the
kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
"SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and
keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"
A man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
His wife replies "You've got a bigger todger than your brother"
There!
Now stop moaning you two! ;)
Man these are good. :lol:
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren"
And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna” and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter .
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don'teven know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to standon to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry.. What was the question?
Spiders on drugs.......
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1734043
I walked into B&Q and some guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.