Jokes & Funnies

Sepp Blatter: Fifa chief says 'he is clean' amid corruption inquiry

Outgoing Fifa president Sepp Blatter has told the BBC he is "clean" and "there is no corruption in football" amid criminal investigations at world football's governing body.

;)

https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5797/...05426c89_z.jpgcoffin by Allen Wells, on Flickr
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A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."

:D

IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG:
PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.

YES, HE BIT TWO PEOPLE WEARING MAN CITY T-SHIRTS,
EIGHT PEOPLE WEARING UNITED T-SHIRTS,
16 PEOPLE WEARING WEST HAM T-SHIRTS,
TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH RAP MUSIC BLARING FROM THEIR VEHICLES,

FOUR JEVOVAH WITNESSES,
TWO MORMONS,
NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS,
THREE FLAG-BURNERS, AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.

https://mail.ntlworld.com/mail/u/0/?...16e9&zw&atsh=1


FOR THE LAST TIME. . .THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!

NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS
IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

A wife is looking for a special 50th birthday gift for her husband. So she is running out of time to get that special gift that is a little bit different. The day before his birthday she finally stumbles across a pet shop with a sign saying "For sale - BJ Frogs". so she goes inside to see what a BJ frog is. The man behind the counter asks if he can help. The woman asks 'what is a BJ frog?' The saleman says, 'it's a frog that gives BJ's on command. however I can't vouch for it, but it's the last one I have, I've already sold 49 of this first batch.'
So the woman thinks that it will be a good fun gift to give her husband so buys the last one.
The next day the woman presents the gift wrapped box to her husband. He opens it and asks what it is. She tells him the same story that the pet shop owner had told her. Thinking it would be no more than a witty story to tell their friends next time them come round.
so the day passed without a hitch, they went out for a meal and a few drinks. When they got home the wife was a little bit worse the wear with the drink. So the husband puts her to bed and tells her he will be back up in a minute once he watched the TV and fed the BJ Frog.
The wife slept like a log due to the drink. Next day she wakes up and the sun is shining. then she hears a lot of noise coming from the kitchen. Pot and pans crashing about etc. She gets dressed and goes downstairs. The place is a mess, pots, pans, cook books, pieces of burnt food, bits of undercooked food strewn all over the place. She is a wee bit annoyed at the noise and mess. She shouts at the husband (it's not his birthday now see!). 'What the f**K is going on here?'
the husband turns round and says:

'If I can teach this frog to cook....you're out of here!!!

Sorry if it's in here already. I got to page 7 but wanted to share one.

:scratch:


Yes , I'm with it now:)

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3
hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,
they've lost the plot!!

:lol::lol:

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself
that guy's heading for a breakdown..