http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y10...urdbusters.jpg
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That reminds me of this one.
http://failads.com/wp-content/upload...at-license.jpg
Beaut
Wonder how much thats worth in the plumbing trade.
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
How do you confuse and Archeologist?
Give him a Tampon and ask him what period it was from.
The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her eleven year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Victor, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I can’t concentrate," replied the boy. "I’ve fallen in love."
"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "With whom?"
"With you," he answered.
"But Victor," exclaimed the secretly pleased young lady, "don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday; but I don’t want a child."
"Oh, don’t worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I’ll be careful."
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Kulula Air is a budget airline in South Africa that tries not to take itself too seriously.
http://www.fridayoffcuts.com/pix/GreenPlane.jpg
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4024/...cff14581cf.jpg
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2685/...cbcc5a712e.jpg
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4045/...0ca4736dac.jpg
The captain’s window is marked with the big cheese (”captain, my captain!”), the co-pilot’s window with co-captain (the other pilot on the PA system) and the jump seat is for wannabe pilots.
In addition, the following descriptions of plane parts can be found:
•galley (cuppa anyone?)
•avionics (fancy navigation stuff)
•windows (best view in the world)
•wing #1 and #2
•engine #1 and #2 (26 000 pounds of thrust)
•emergency exit = throne zone (more leg room baby!)
•seats (better than taxi seats)
•some windows = kulula fans (the coolest peeps in the world)
•black box (which is actually orange)
•landing gear (comes standard with supa-fly mags)
•back door (no bribery/corruption here)
•tail (featuring an awesome logo)
•loo (or mile-high club initiation chamber)
•rudder (the steering thingy)
•stabiliser (the other steering thingy)
•a.p.u. (extra power when you need it most)
•galley (food, food, food, food…)
•boot space
•ZS-ZWP (OK-PIK) = secret agent code (aka plane’s registration)
•overhead cabins (VIP seating for your hand luggage)
•fuel tanks (the go-go juice)
•cargo door
•aircon ducts (not that kulula needs it… they’re already cool)
•front door (our door is always open … unless we’re at 41 000 feet)
•cockpit window = sun roof
•nose cone (radar, antenna, and a really big dish inside)
And apparently this is all true:
attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
5. "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .... To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
10. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
11. Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
12. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
13. After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
14. Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light "em, you can smoke 'em."
I was in South Africa a couple of years ago. I took this photo of a Kulula aircraft because I was impressed with its paint job. :)
http://i246.photobucket.com/albums/g...rica/Plane.jpg
A Woman in a jewelry shop..
She farts while bending over to look at a ring. She realizes the shop assistant is standing behind the counter, she hopes he didnt hear. She asks him ''how much the ring is''..He replies: you farted just looking at it, you'll shit ya pants when i tell you the price.
:lol:
Suicide Bombers to go on strike in Britain
Suicide bombers 'fed up;' want benefits promised to them
September 21, 2010 4:55 p.m. EDT
London, England -- Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%. The cut is expected to start this February, reducing the number of virgins from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace."
He continued, "Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up tomorrow."
Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in these areas anyway."
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been linked to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.
Plantagenet Gribbs, the infamous London flasher, today announced the reversal of his decision to retire in November. In a statement to the press he said that he was going to stick it out for another year.
... you know, I could have written them for the Two Ronnies!
;)
SUBTLE ART GALLERY JOKE
http://i170.photobucket.com/albums/u...camouflage.jpg
:)
Just for Alex:
A guy walks into a pub & orders three pints. He takes them to a table in the corner, sits down and drinks all three by taking just one sip from each one in turn, then back to the first and around again.
He takes his glasses back to the bar on his way out of the pub, puts them on the table & says good evening to the barman.
The barman says:
"You know that your beer goes flat after just a short while, I don't mind pouring three pints for you over the course of a couple of hours - it's no problem you know"
The guy explains:
"I did what I did because of a promise to my two brothers who I haven't seen for years since one moved to Canada & the other to Australia. We all swore that whenever we drank for ourselves, we'd drink for the three of us. It's a family tradition, so when I go into a pub I get a drink for each of us. They do the same when they go drinking".
The barman says:
"Well, I apologise for my thoughtlessness, I only wish I had such a tight bond with the members of my family. In fact, I'm going to take a leaf out of your book & when I finish my shift, I'm going to give my sister in Scotland a call to make sure everything is OK with her. Thanks a lot - I've learnt a lot from you tonight!"
So the guy comes back every night that week & acts out the same ritual, ordering three pints and sipping alternately from each in turn till they're all gone, returning his glasses to the bar, saying goodnight & leaving.
A couple of weeks later, he walks in & all the locals say hello to him, he goes up to the bar & orders two pints.
.........a complete silence falls over the bar.
The guy looks very nervous & twitchy, sad & thoughtful.
........silence hangs over the room for ages as all eyes watch him sipping from his two pints.
Just as he drains the last drop from the glasses, the barman makes his way over to his table & says:
"I'm so sorry to bother you, you're obviously suffering terrible grief at the moment .........from your loss. It just occurred to me that you brought me so close to my sister, I feel such gratitude towards you & all my customers are so obviously moved by your sorrow..........is there anything we can do to ease your grieving?"
The guy looks confused for a moment & then the penny drops.
"No, no, you've got it all wrong - it's just that I've given up drinking".
Apple announced today the development of a microchip that can be implanted into a womens breast and play music. The iTit will cost £399 and is regarded a major breakthrough as women are always complaining that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them!!!
I heard a report that Sir Elton John is getting a divorce as his husband is having sex behind his back.
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
Worth 4 minutes 11 seconds of your time, and if you don't laugh, you must be dead...
Does it still count if you only lightly soiled your nappy-ette? :eyebrows:
Marco.
i thought you kept Tennor for men in business king of the nappie boys Marco, Bitty, Bitty
A bloke buys a parrot as a Christmas present for his son. The parrot turns out to be evil, pecking everyone in sight and with an uncanny knowledge of swearwords and insults. So in the few days before Christmas, the guy decides that before his son gets his present, he's going to try to clean up the violent, foul mouthed birds act.
He tries and tries to change the bird's attitude by saying only polite friendly words, playing soft music and anything else he can think of.
Finally, he gets completely fed up and he yells at the parrot. The parrot yells back. He shakes the parrot and the parrot gets angrier and even ruder.
In desperation, he shouts: "I'll teach you, you dirty little bastard", grabs the bird and chucks him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawks and screams, his swearing becoming worse & worse. Then suddenly there's total silence.
The silence continues for several minutes so the guy goes to read his paper.
After another 10 minutes, he starts to feel sorry for the parrot & realises he may have put it at severe risk, he runs to the kitchen & quickly opens the freezer door.
The parrot calmly steps out onto the guy's arm and says: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
The guy is stunned at the complete change in the bird's attitude & he puts him on his shoulder and feeds him a nut. The parrot starts to compliment the guy on the way his beautiful home is decorated and how he must be very wealthy and clever to earn enough to buy such nice things for himself and his family.
After a while the bird goes quiet for a while and then asks in a humble voice: "May I ask what it was that the turkey did to upset you?"
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night.
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
Had to post a pic of the T-shirt my other half just got me-
http://img696.imageshack.us/img696/4277/tshirtgxi.jpg
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25..."
Excellent! That's a bit like Fonejacker... One of my favourite programmes! :)
Marco.
Hahahaha... What a thick mare! :lol:
It's the way she looks back, though, after getting out of the fountain, as if to say: 'who the fuck put that there??', that compounds her stupidity even further!! :mental:
That's the problem with folk these days glued to their bloody mobiles!! ;)
Marco.
i-Sleep
There's a nap for that
I met a lovely girl on the Internet a few months ago, she is sexy, funny, smart and very compassionate. Despite being only 16 she is very mature and intelligent for her age.
We recently started sharing sexy photos and stories, she really turns me on and says that I turn here on! I think we might be in love!
Yesterday she told me she is a police officer.
How cool is that for her age? :)
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.
I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."
But she did.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine!"
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: ‘Sure go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2011 models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '£70,000?'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £950,000?'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open...
He smiles and asks, 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
:lolsign:
I was in a night club the other weekend, and by the dancefloor looking very lonely was a great big fat lass...
I went over and asked her if she had a pen
With an exclamation of surprise and enthusiasm she blurted out "Yes I have!"
So I replied..."Well you'd better hurry up and get back there before the farmer realises you're missing"
i like that one Will :lolsign:
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotised 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his foot and said, "Fuck me"!
What happened next will haunt me forever :stalks:
:lolsign:
My wife was on her death bed called me over & asked me to open a box from under the bed. Inside I found 3 eggs & £7000 in cash. "What are the eggs for?" I asked. She replied "every time we had crap sex i would put an egg in the box. "Not bad" I said, "3 eggs in 35 years. And the cash?" She replied. "Every time i got a dozen i sold them......"
Your on form you guys :)
I bumped into a cross eyed bloke the other day and he said, "You need to watch where you're going."I said "Fuck off mate! You need to go where you're watching."
The Dragon's Den one was so funny it made me cry!
It was rather good wasn't it! The Jamie Oliver thing was off Cassetteboy's first album, 'The Parker Tapes' which is well worth getting. A work of genius and patience. Their later stuff hasn't been so clever; they've had to up their work rate and it's showed a bit, but they still have their moments...
I can't stop crying at these, the last one is my favourite - not sure they're all genuine but still laughed myself stupid!
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/img/hate-my-cunt.jpg
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/bigdeck.jpg
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/bag-smelled.jpg
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images...e-for-anal.jpg
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/imasexual.jpg
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/sharted.jpg
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/divorced.jpg
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/blow-my-boss.jpg
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/wii-aunt.jpg
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/the-babysitter.jpg
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/img/lawyer-fail.jpg
Love it... I'm always 'licking' stuff on my phone too... :lol: and posting on here I have to be even more careful with bloody auto-correct!
Glasgow Boys join Ferrari.
"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Glasgow youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Castlemilk were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Glasgow pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in
steel containers."
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
A third glass.
''It's champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of her urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don't give me the job, I'll let everyone know that you're the father!"
Tor
A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor' that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"