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Seeing as there's no burgers left on the shelves at Tesco,I've decided to try their meatballs instead.
Apparently they're the dogs bollocks...
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
My Missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what the public reaction was like.
The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and received death threats.
f*ck knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.
Just bought the wife a sheepdog fur bra.
"Aww" she said,"Will it keep my tits warm?"
I said "No but it'll round them up and point them in the right direction."
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.
A young man went up to his father and asked him,
"Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?"
His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,
"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and f*c-king.
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.
My kids keep on taking the p*ss out of my alzheimers.
Wait till the cheeky little f*ckers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire...
Went to the Doc's today
I said "do you treat alcoholics"
He said "Of course we do?"
I said "Great get your coat on, I'm f*cking skint..."
A woman goes to a tattoo shop and asks the guy to tattoo Christmas on one thigh and New year on the other.
The guy did it and took the money,but as she left he said "Do you mind if I ask why you wanted that ?"
She said "I'm sick of my husband moaning there's nothing to eat between Christmas and New year"
Went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread.
The birds were all over me.
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Some great ones there! :lol:
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Thought I'd better check out the burgers in my freezer and...
They're off!
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Re: Jokes & Funnies
Careful - they'll give you the trotts
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1 Attachment(s)
Photo taken from outside one of the Romanian abattoirs mentioned in the recent meat supply investigations.
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interesting choice of cheese on the lasagne I noticed - Maskapony :D
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Here's a selection of jokes extracted from a leaving email at work. We've got quite a few people going at the moment, and some of them are turning the obligatory "goodbye" note into an art form!
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”
I've just quit my job at the helium factory. I refused to be spoken to in that tone.
My grandfather spent his whole life in the kebab trade, and was buried with all of his equipment. Probably turning in his grave. About a month before he died, we covered his back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.
I farted in the hotel lift yesterday. That was wrong on so many levels.
Beware of Alphabet Grenades... if you throw them, it could spell disaster.
Black Beauty? Now there’s a dark horse!
I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets....and then it hit me.
And finally, don’t despair if you can't spell Armageddon, it's not the end of the world.
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Surely Oscar Pistorius isn't the first bloke to wake up legless on Valentine's Day and shoot all over his bird's face thinking she was someone else?
