And to think I called them a humourless bunch! I'll have to revise that in the style of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: mostly humourless :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Barry
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And to think I called them a humourless bunch! I'll have to revise that in the style of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: mostly humourless :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Barry
Went to bed last night with a girl who had a plasticine fanny. Didn't actually manage to get my cock in but I think I made a good impression.
The Sniffer Dog
A man had just boarded a plane and settled into his seat next to the window when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and the dog was a sniffer dog.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off and once it had leveled out the Policeman said "watch this."
He told Sniffer to search.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the Policeman' arm.
The Policeman said, "Good Boy" then turned to the man and said," that woman is possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and my colleagues will apprehend her when we land."
"Wow, that's pretty good" said the first man.
Once again the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The dog sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to it's seat and this time placed two paws on the Policeman's arm.
The Policeman said" two paws means that man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of his seat number for my colleagues."
"I like it" said his seat companion.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to search again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment then came racing back to the Policeman, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh*t all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well trained dog would behave like that so he asked the Policeman," what's going on ?"
The Policeman nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb."
Catholic hairdryer
In paroachial schools, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, religious instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was ok to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings.
Getting a hairdryer through customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour ?"
"Of course child, what may I do for you ?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hairdryer for her birthday.
It's unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me ? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?"
"I would love to help you dear but I must warn you, I will not lie."
She replied, "with your honest face father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare ?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor ?"
The priest replied, "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is to date unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead Father, next please"
I was in my local branch of WH Smiths the other day and asked the assistant if they had they had that new self help book for men with small penises.
"I dont think we have it in yet" said the girl.
"Thats the one!" I replied.
Really funny. You can't beat a good Downfall parody. It's the greatest advance in humour since Les Dawson first got dresed up as a woman.Quote:
Originally Posted by keiths
Another vote from me - best thing I've seen on youtube ever - absolutely loved it - I look forward to more similar ones, hopefully.
Dave.
Viagra is now available in powder form for your cup of tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuits from going soft.
At this time of the year, when the drink driving checks come up with great regularity, I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before I took a cab home.
Sure enough, on the way, there was a load of police officers parked in a lay-by, directing traffic into it so that they could perform checks but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before.
:rfl: