Jokes & Funnies

A scottish m.p. was being shown round a new hospital in Ayrshire by the director.

In the first ward he is confronted by weak, gasping patients. He was told that it was the 'Obstructive Airways & Smoking-Related Illnesses' ward.

In the second he encounters yellow-skinned, emaciated dementia sufferers. This, he was informed, was the 'Alcoholic Terminal Care' ward.

In the final ward, he is met by a well-dressed man in a smart suit reciting "my love is like a red, red rose", and another, gibbering "sleekit timorous beastie". He was then seized by a young man spouting "if we could see ourselves as others see us".

"Ah!", exclaims the m.p. "I know. This is the psychiatric ward".

"Och, noooo" retorts the director, "this is the 'Serious Burns Unit'

The Pope was on a tour through the American southwest a few years ago.

At one point on a long straight road between Phoenix and Los Angeles, alone in the limousine with only his driver, he got to musing.

Tapping the window to get the driver's attention he said, "You know, it has been years since I have been allowed to drive myself, and I miss it. Do you think you could let me drive for a while - it looks easy enough on this road".

The driver agreed, they stopped, the Pope exchanged places with the driver and off they went. At first the Pope drove tentatively, but as the miles rolled on, the speed crept up and up until eventually a flashing red and blue appeared from behind.

The Pope dutifully pulled over, more than a little embarrassed, and the trooper swaggered up to deliver the usual sermon. When he saw who was driving he came completely unglued and was forced to make a feeble excuse while he rushed back to the cruiser.

On the radio to his supervisor, he said "I just pulled over this guy for speeding and I don't know what to do - he's so important!"

"How important can he be. Who is he - the sheriff?"

"No, he's way more important than that"

"The governor?"

"No, he's more important than that"

"The president??"

"No, he's even more important than that. Listen, this guy is so important, the Pope is his chauffeur!"

http://img515.imageshack.us/img515/2...1421747lc7.jpg
By shian7 at 2008-05-24



My wife was very impressed by this. But NOT favourably!!!

:/

A Donkey and a Chicken are out in a field when the Donkey falls down a hole. The Chicken races over and jumps into the farmers BMW and ties a rope to the front and pulls the Donkey out.
The next week they're out in the same field again and the Chicken falls down the same hole, he tells the Donkey to get the BMW and the rope. Instead the Donkey walks over to the hole and drops his cock into the hole and the Chicken climbs out.
Moral of the story. When you're hung like a Donkey you don't need a BMW to pull a chick. :)

With the fun I had in Durham last week I'll need both.

Here's one for your delight & delectation............

A blonde pushes her BMW into a petrol station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

And there's more...........

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would be disciplined very severely when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be ****** if he needed glasses".

Did I mention ...........................?

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of South Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?" The meteorologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold." So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" The meteorologist again replied, "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter." The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" he asked. "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign."

At least his mum is cool?!?!?!

Ha ha ha...

Paddy's just found an old lamp. He gives it a rub with his shirt and a genie appears in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says "Master, I'm the Genie of the Lamp and your wish is my command - you shall have two wishes & they will come true. What shall be your first wish?"

"Well now Genie, oim feelin' a bit tursty and I generally likes a wee drink, so what oi'd like to ask ye fer is a lifetime supply of beer, bejeezus."

The Genie waves his arms & there's a flash & a puff of smoke. When it clears, there's a pint of Guinness in front of Paddy.

Paddy is delighted, picks up the glass & downs it in one. When he puts the glass down, it miraculously refills itself.

Paddy yells, "Genie, begorrah, dat is absolutely fekkin' amazing!"

The Genie answers, "Genie is always pleased to serve his Master. What would be the Master's second and final wish be?"

Paddy replies, "I'll have another one of those!"

Great entertainment. Keep 'em coming, TGW. I've rather exhausted my cache on this thread already