& they say there aren't any aliens :lol:
Marco, you can shove a goat up your scooby if you like mate, just don't make it an adult or you'll be turtle heading in no time I reckon :ner:
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& they say there aren't any aliens :lol:
Marco, you can shove a goat up your scooby if you like mate, just don't make it an adult or you'll be turtle heading in no time I reckon :ner:
Whidyexpekt.Thurrno'faeroonthayparts,urrthey.Quote:
Originally Posted by Marco
AyebuttharasumhalerntaweebitthrutharexframGreenock :D
FurrybootsinGreenockwizshefae?
Your Duck is Dead--
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
Seen on a birthday card:
Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon,
10,000 volts shot up its bum,
And turned its wool to nylon
A few for Friday morning
Today my wife said she had a head cold.I said,"It's probably caused by you being a fat bast*ard."
"How the f*ck can being fat cause a head cold?" She asked.
I said "Cos your heads never out of the f*cking fridge!!"
Kylie Minogue,Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.
Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
With a sideways glance,Robbie pulls aside her thong,and f*cks her senseless.
He stands back and tells Elton "Your turn".
Elton bursts into tears."What's up?"asks Robbie.
Elton sobs'"I'm too fat my head won't fit through the railings"
I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who'd come off his motorbike,
So I frantically rushed over."Out of the way!" I shouted,as I pushed through the crowd.
"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed."No" I replied,"Thats my f*ckin pizza".
I was in the the post office today.
I asked the woman behind the counter, "Do you keep stationery?"
She replied "Only to begin with then I go like a f*cking rabbit."
F*cking hell,this 80's telly star scandal is getting worse.
turns out Morph was a Playdohphile.
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in
front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in
her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Miliband.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.
Miliband was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called
his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he
should return the next day;
and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her
discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her
basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up,
this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got
out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my
friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes Sir," Suzy said. "They're Conservative/Liberal Democrate supporters."
Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me
they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.
But today, they have their eyes open."
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm f*cking starving."
A 5 year old grand daughter is taken to school daily by her grand dad.
One day when he wasn't feeling very well his wife took her.
That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different.
"What made it different ?" asked her parents.
Well gran and I did not see a single....
Tosser, blind b*stard, dick head, f*cking bitch or fat c*nt anywhere on the way to school today.
Gravestone of Russell J. Larsen - Logan, Utah.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.