Please don't do that Mark! :lol:
Printable View
Please don't do that Mark! :lol:
The passengers are all boarded, seated and buckled up when the pilot & his first officer walk onboard and say good afternoon to the passengers.
Something's odd though - they're both wearing dark glasses, the pilot has a guide dog on a lead and the first officer is tapping his way along the aisle with a white stick.
There's some nervous laughter among the passengers and one or two check the date on their watches to see whether it's April 1st. Now, at the door to the flight deck, the men open it & enter the cockpit.
The door closes, and the engines start with a whine and then a roar. The passengers begin looking nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. The stewardesses say nothing and give nothing away.
The plane begins to roll down the runway, moving faster and faster. The people in the window seats realise the plane is heading straight for the large hotel just beyond the airport boundary. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will go ploughing into the front lobby, panic breaks out & the sounds of the screams fill the cabin.
At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers begin to laugh a little sheepishly & relax a bit, and soon they start to do all the things that normal air passengers do - look at the magazines, fiddle about with personal stereos & phones, read their books & talk excitedly about the holiday resort they are all flying to, safe in the knowledge that the plane is safe in the hands of an excellent crew.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the blind pilot turns to the blind first officer and says, 'You know what Jim? One of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !!
My wife keeps complaining about me always using her toothbrush..Listen I told her I've tried everything else but its still the best way of getting dog crap off my trainers.
Just saw a German philosopher out buying fruit. Pretty sure I've spotted a Nietzsche in the market.
Ali, that's very funny!
Ed...........that is simultaneously the best and worst joke I've heard in a long time! It sounds like it could have come from Milton Jones.
I was talking to a nurse the other day & she said the biggest problem with the NHS is Holby City.
Actually, she may have said obesity, but she was eating a cake at the time.
I know you won't believe me, but I had an accident in a B&Q car park about 9 years ago when a chap in a Fiat Panda pulled out and hit my car - and yes - he had a 5 litre tin of paint on the passenger seat, which emptied itself in the passenger foot well and all over the dashboard after the impact. This really is true and annoyingly the car I had at the time was only 3 weeks old. It did rather take the gloss off my day.
Come to think of it, I once had to brake shockingly hard on the A1 in order to avoid an idiot who almost killed us both. I had a large (5 litre I suppose), unopened container of Fast Orange hand cleaner (orange coloured, orange smelling swarfega with gritty stuff in it) sitting on the front passenger seat. It hit the dashboard & just glooped to the footwell. I thought it was messy at the time, but it wasn't anything like that! The vehicle I was in was a ratty scruffy forestry 4x4, so it wasn't a disaster at all - just a minor, but fruity smelling setback.
No doubt he was undertaking research for his latest book: 'Market and Supermarket'.Quote:
Originally Posted by Straff
Being from Ireland and having spent 16 years in England I find Irish jokes extremely tedious. I'm not offended by them, I'm just absolutely saturated by the subject.
About a week after I got off the plane at Heathrow.
No, we don't tell Irish jokes in Ireland. Or Kerryman jokes. It's a disciplinary to tell one in the workplace in the UK.
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies
"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
There's a fish and chip shop in Belfast called "For Cod and Ulster"
This one's true, a relative of the people concerned told it to me.
In a small town called Newtownabbey a couples wedding was coming up and the Bride's Father got increasingly agitated.
He broke down and said to his wife "They can't get married, He's my love child".
Her reply "Don't worry, She's not your daughter".
RC