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A Woman in a jewelry shop..
She farts while bending over to look at a ring. She realizes the shop assistant is standing behind the counter, she hopes he didnt hear. She asks him ''how much the ring is''..He replies: you farted just looking at it, you'll shit ya pants when i tell you the price.
:lol:
Suicide Bombers to go on strike in Britain
Suicide bombers 'fed up;' want benefits promised to them
September 21, 2010 4:55 p.m. EDT
London, England -- Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%. The cut is expected to start this February, reducing the number of virgins from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace."
He continued, "Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up tomorrow."
Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in these areas anyway."
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been linked to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.
Plantagenet Gribbs, the infamous London flasher, today announced the reversal of his decision to retire in November. In a statement to the press he said that he was going to stick it out for another year.
... you know, I could have written them for the Two Ronnies!
;)
SUBTLE ART GALLERY JOKE
http://i170.photobucket.com/albums/u...camouflage.jpg
:)
Just for Alex:
A guy walks into a pub & orders three pints. He takes them to a table in the corner, sits down and drinks all three by taking just one sip from each one in turn, then back to the first and around again.
He takes his glasses back to the bar on his way out of the pub, puts them on the table & says good evening to the barman.
The barman says:
"You know that your beer goes flat after just a short while, I don't mind pouring three pints for you over the course of a couple of hours - it's no problem you know"
The guy explains:
"I did what I did because of a promise to my two brothers who I haven't seen for years since one moved to Canada & the other to Australia. We all swore that whenever we drank for ourselves, we'd drink for the three of us. It's a family tradition, so when I go into a pub I get a drink for each of us. They do the same when they go drinking".
The barman says:
"Well, I apologise for my thoughtlessness, I only wish I had such a tight bond with the members of my family. In fact, I'm going to take a leaf out of your book & when I finish my shift, I'm going to give my sister in Scotland a call to make sure everything is OK with her. Thanks a lot - I've learnt a lot from you tonight!"
So the guy comes back every night that week & acts out the same ritual, ordering three pints and sipping alternately from each in turn till they're all gone, returning his glasses to the bar, saying goodnight & leaving.
A couple of weeks later, he walks in & all the locals say hello to him, he goes up to the bar & orders two pints.
.........a complete silence falls over the bar.
The guy looks very nervous & twitchy, sad & thoughtful.
........silence hangs over the room for ages as all eyes watch him sipping from his two pints.
Just as he drains the last drop from the glasses, the barman makes his way over to his table & says:
"I'm so sorry to bother you, you're obviously suffering terrible grief at the moment .........from your loss. It just occurred to me that you brought me so close to my sister, I feel such gratitude towards you & all my customers are so obviously moved by your sorrow..........is there anything we can do to ease your grieving?"
The guy looks confused for a moment & then the penny drops.
"No, no, you've got it all wrong - it's just that I've given up drinking".
Apple announced today the development of a microchip that can be implanted into a womens breast and play music. The iTit will cost £399 and is regarded a major breakthrough as women are always complaining that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them!!!
I heard a report that Sir Elton John is getting a divorce as his husband is having sex behind his back.
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
Worth 4 minutes 11 seconds of your time, and if you don't laugh, you must be dead...
Does it still count if you only lightly soiled your nappy-ette? :eyebrows:
Marco.