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:lol: This is how a day should start :)
Yes that's good. :)
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There is no real reply to that!
I could of course suggest a reason why she suffered burns on her knees and elbows and a sore arse - but I'm too much of a gentleman to go into details. :D
BrilliantQuote:
Originally Posted by Barry
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Poor woman - sounds like a complete lack of concern from the hotel staff about her spending the night getting her back door bashed in :(Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex_UK
Mr Ed would never have used such profanities (oh Wilbur).Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex_UK
Image not working for me. :scratch:Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex_UK
:lol:
The pdf for your image is not working for me. Are you able to provide an alternative link?Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex_UK
I posted from my iPad, but will try again from my PC…
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Can you see it now Barry?
A man enters the confessional and tells the priest “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The man said, "Well, we took our clothes off and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped!" The priest said, "Rubbing against each other is like getting into each other. You'll never see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put £50 in the poor box!"
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked toward the poor box. He paused for a moment, then began to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, ran to him and said, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yes, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
:rfl:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my grandpa's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.”
Brothers, this made me chuckle...
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A young nurse was asked to give a sponge bath to a bedridden man who was wearing an oxygen mask. She was diligently carrying out her task when the man in the mask asked her a question. She politely continued without answering, then the man asked a little louder “Nurse, are my testicles black?” This time she couldn't pretend she hadn't heard but she was worried about being drawn into a compromising situation so she gave him a disapproving look and continued washing. The man persisted this time trying to sit up on his elbows “Nurse, please, are my testicles black?” This time she couldn't ignore him so carefully removing the sheet, she cupped and examined his testicles. With a slightly frosty retort she said that testicles looked fine to her.
The man ever so carefully pulled aside his oxygen mask and asked “Nurse, are my test results back?” before flopping back on the bed.
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane’
The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’
The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand’
‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’
The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied…… ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.
Oh that's a good one. :lol:
Three ducks walk into a bar and the bartender asks the first duck, “Hello, what’s your name, how are you, and what would you like to drink?”
The duck responds, “My name is, Quack, and I’ve had a wonderful day going in and out of puddles!”
So the bartender gives the first duck his drink and moves on to the second duck asking him the same question, “Hello, what’s your name, how are you, and what would you like to drink?”
The duck responds, “My name is, Quack Quack, and I’ve also had a wonderful day going in and out of puddles!”
The bartender gives the second duck his drink and moves on to the third duck saying, “Let me guess, your name is, Quack Quack Quack, and you’ve also had a wonderful day going in and out of puddles?”
The duck looks at him with a sad expression and says, “No my name is, Puddles, and I’ve had a fucking awful day!”
Spotted on a local Facebook page - amazing what you can buy online these days!
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I'm sure it is possible to procure some much closer to home, but maybe not such a large quantity.
Reminds me of the apocryphal tale of how the group '10CC' got their name. :D
An elderly man spots a stall offering helicopter rides for £50 at the village fête.
He turns to his wife and says, “I’m not getting any younger, and I’ve always wanted to go up in a helicopter.”
His wife snaps back, “Absolutely not! Fifty quid is fifty quid. You don’t need a helicopter ride.”
The following year, they’re back at the fête. He sees the helicopter again and asks once more. Same answer.
The year after that — same thing. And the year after that.
Eventually, he finds himself at the helicopter stall again and says to the pilot, “I don’t know if I’ll be around next year. I’ve always wanted to ride in a helicopter, but my wife won’t allow it because of the cost.”
The pilot says, “Tell you what — I’ll take you both up for free. But there’s one rule: if either of you says a single word, I charge you the fifty quid.”
The man excitedly tells his wife. After a moment’s thought, she agrees.
Up in the air, the pilot does every wild manoeuvre imaginable — dives, spins, drops — everything short of crashing. Not a peep from either of them.
When they land, the pilot turns to the man and says, “I’m amazed. I threw everything at you and you didn’t say a word.”
The man replies, “Yeah, I thought about saying something when Doris fell out, but 50 quid is 50 quid.”
I remember my old dad saying "When one door closes another door opens". He was a great man, my dad. But a terrible joiner.
:lol:
Reminded me of this one:
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.
Morning all. I know, I know – it's been a while. Life got in the way, and more recently, a very comfortable armchair and a certain pair of Wharfedales made it very hard to reach the keyboard.
I was having a clear-out the other day and found a notebook from my first foray into hi-fi back in the '80s. Proper little engineer, I was. I'd written down the exact specifications for my dream speaker cables, including the precise gauge of copper and the angle at which the strands should be woven.
Anyway, all this thinking about our beloved hobby reminded me of an old classic. It's a bit like the one that goes around about us lot, and it fits this place perfectly:
First audiophile: "I hear Joe died."
Second audiophile: "I didn't know that. What did he have?"
First audiophile: "Oh, Marantz, Linn, Krell, Vandersteen."
I promise I'll be back properly soon. The system is singing, the rug is down, and I'm just about ready to stop listening long enough to write something coherent about it all.
Hope you're all well.
:lol: Good one Alistair!
Glad to hear it's all working well. What are your thoughts on having vinyl playback in your new system?
Ah, thanks for remembering. I've thought about it quite a bit, but I've decided to stick with streaming for now – and probably for good.Quote:
Originally Posted by Barry
A few reasons: First, I'm genuinely so happy with the current system that I don't feel the pull to add another box. Second, the more I looked into turntables, the deeper the rabbit hole went – cartridges, phono stages, alignment, cleaning records... I'm retired and I want to listen, not tinker. Third, the Joni Mitchell record my daughter-in-law gave me is now a lovely piece of wall art in my listening room. She understood completely when I explained.
So no turntable. The WiiM and Rega are giving me all the music I need.
Thanks for asking though – it was a fun week of pretending I might go vinyl!
Alistair
Your reply was to be expected; especially after all the advice we all gave. It makes total sense.Quote:
Originally Posted by Maelstrom
Now all we await is to see some pictures of your set up in your listening room - rug included! :)
Cheers
Barry
Glad to "hear" your still enjoying the new system, Alistair. I can totally see why you've decided to skip vinyl (for now! ;))
This made me laugh - could be a worthy upgrade for all of us! :D
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Are they directional? :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Alex_UK
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Barry
Yeah, do not do that, that's a very, very deep rabbit hole Alistair. But . . I haven't ever felt the need to go down that rabbit hole, I hate tinkering and it actually stresses me out. You don't need a phono stage, the Elex has a very good one - you don't need to align anything if you buy a Rega P3 with a Rega cartridge and I've never cleaned a record in 67 years of being alive. I don't play records often, I'm currently restoring my turntable so I'm not playing anything at the moment, but it's nice to be able to when I want to. Having said that I do have about 300 LPs already, so don't have the cost of buying a new collection.Quote:
Originally Posted by Maelstrom
I wouldn't dismiss the idea 100%, put it on the back burner for a year or two and don't whatever you do ask a vinyl first audiophile for advice about a turntable, your head will explode! You can enjoy playing records without stressing about it, I do it and I believe when it's setup Martin (Macca) has a stock Technics SL-1200 he's happy with, without needing to tinker with it :D
So it is possible to enjoy playing records without doing all you've listed above, but if you just want to play music, the streaming system you have right now is pretty darned good and better than most of the population.
Enjoy your retirement it's great isn't it.
Stolen from Facebook but some of the expressions in here are classic! (“Banged more time than Arkwright’s till” :lol: )
The Bexley Gazette Guide To Gloatbook:
What women post on Facebook, and what they REALLY mean.
‘OUT OUT with my partner in crime’
(And it’s just fucking Sandra.
And Sandra has never done anything even slightly unpredictable or remotely exciting in her life, let alone committed a crime, in fact she’s so dull her face could turn a funeral procession up a side street)
Absolutely luuuurve my new Range Rover, thank you hubby, love you heaps babes. Xxxxx
(Oh Fucking deep joy, my complete Dinlo of an old man has strapped us up with yet another 4 years worth of a grand-a-month in lease payments just so he can play Charlie big bollox at Birchwood pitch and putt with all the other divorced cockwombles)
Just cooked the most totes amazeballs dinner (insert photo of something you might see on a bushtucker trial or the contents of a stomach autopsy) can’t wait to snuggle down with my handsome man and eat it!
(hope the lazy, stinking, selfish, narcissistic, sociopath chokes on it…and actually, I didn’t cook it at all, Its a microwave meal from the value range at Iceland that I warmed up then put on a plate so you will all think I am some sort of a Nigella style domestic goddess)
“Wowzers..!! suitcase packed & off on our lovely 5star holibobs with my amazeballs husband and wonderful children..City airport business class lounge here we come!”
(It’s Sharm El-Sheikh, the spiritual home of food poisoning, we’re flying with Ryanair.
“Sooooo super proud of my little Jayden, he’s passed his driving test at the 7th attempt! Where’s that time gone??”
(The mono-syllabic little twat is as thick as gravel soup and on the rare occasions he does say anything barely coherent it’s in some sort of bizarre half-Jamaican accent, I honestly should have had the little hood-rat adopted)
“Had the most increds night with my fav chicks!! So Love my girlies!”
(spent most of the night providing shoulder to cry on for my recently dumped & intensely irritating friend, who in the past has been banged more than Arkwright’s till, in fact her G-spot is on google maps, I then had to stop the desperate cow from shagging a bus driver from Erith, before holding her hair while she projectile vomited £45 worth of tequila rose through her nose, I am never going out with that attention seeking whore again)
“OMG!! Just had the most fab bath complete with Jo Malone candles!!”
(This Fucking bathroom is filthier than a Wetherspoons carpet, there’s urine all over the floor because the old man pisses indiscriminately like an American fighter pilot and this fucking Hope & Glory gift set that his mad mother bought me last Christmas has given my fanny a rash)
“Enjoyed a lovely long walk with the dogs today!”
(because the 3 overbread cocker-doodledoo’s I bought during lockdown ran off around Danson park, rolled in foxes shit and it took me 5 miles to catch the bastard things)
“Had a lovely time with all the famalam today!”
(what was most lovely about it was when the cranky high maintenance loons went home & I’m telling you, if his creepy Dad pats me on the arse once more I swear I’ll have the pervy old bastard nicked)
“Intense gym workout at David Lloyd done!!”
(Fuck all, I’ve done absolutely fuck all except eat an industrial size bar of fruit and nut & a family pack of Doritos while watching loose women, I currently have the BMI of a Hippo & my blood type is Nutella)
“Off to see a “bestie” friend of mine that I haven’t seen since school!”
(really hope she is grey, still much fatter, looks older than me, and that absolute string she’s married to, who is the human equivalent of a wet dressing gown sleeve, isn’t with her)
“Going to have a lovely relaxing early night with hubby in our new John Lewis Egyptian cotton sheets!”
(I’m up those stairs and asleep double sharpish as the old man is feeling amorous again after clocking Holly Willoughby on TV and believe you me, there’s as much chance of Oscar Pistorius getting a verruca as there is him seeing any action)
''Sharm El-Sheikh, the spiritual home of food poisoning''
:lol:
It's taken over from Tunisia.
Old but gold from Viz…
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:lol: Reminds me of that old Bob Monkhouse one: "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad, not yelling and screaming like the passengers on his bus".
I bought a 2nd hand guitar off Adam Ant.
It was £30, but he said for an extra £10 he’ll throw in a Stand and Deliver.
(Thanks to Popbitch for that one!)
:D Proper dad joke. Just a shame that only dads (and mums) will have any idea who Adam Ant is/was.
Love it! :lol:
Not only is it funny, it's clean as well. Thanks Alex. :)