No, it's a homophone for "They're", as in "They are the idiot", in reference to the post by Geoff (walpurgis).Quote:
Originally Posted by mad-moon
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No, it's a homophone for "They're", as in "They are the idiot", in reference to the post by Geoff (walpurgis).Quote:
Originally Posted by mad-moon
Physical comedy is special IMO. Works in all languages. "Dinner for One".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORvvK47EZqw
A bit of a spoiler here: https://getpocket.com/explore/item/h...b-global-en-GB
This obscure 1963 show has become a Euro classic. Achingly funny. :lol:
Man rushes into a dentist shouting "Help me, I'm a moth, I'm a moth"
Dentist tells him "I'm a dentist! Why come in here?"
Man replies "The light was on"
It's hard to find jokes about the current germ.
Severely unfunny. :(
But we have lots of jokes about previous ones. :)
:lol:Quote:
Police have advised house-owners to be on the lookout for a dangerous local burglar.
Witnesses describe him as resembling a 6 foot cockroach:
"There's a bit of a nasty bug going about."
My mum always liked this one:
:lol:Quote:
It's not the cough that carries you off, but the coffin they carry you off in!
I went to a porn stars reunion yesterday...
It was nice to come across old faces again!
Bouncer wouldn't let me in the club because I wasn't wearing a tie.
My mate said I've got something in my car that will suffice and got me some jump leads which I duly tied round my neck.
Bouncer said alright, you can go in but don't start anything.
That's brilliant.
“It is important that we remember the true meaning of Easter” said the Archbishop of Cadbury
i heard he said that in Confection;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Oddball
Ha Ha , Hows things Grant??:)
But it was hard to hear as it was a Wispa.Quote:
Originally Posted by struth
:lol: :lol: :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Roy S
That's not a good advertisment for electric cars.
Very good. :)
That's brilliant:lol:
Good one Roy :D
As a liberal democrat republican nationalist communist anarchist anti-capitalist Englishman, I like to keep in touch with our Northern friends the Scots and their First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrwGh7NZ4Uw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FQ8jyr0RJ8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWsJr7EdalM
But Honestly. I have not a clue what is going on. :lol:
https://youtu.be/8J9its_Ngkw
Terry-Thomas
Like it:lol:
good drawing:)
Very good drawing
A young fellow and his wife are out for a meal together..the waiter comes to the table and asks if they are ready to order..The young chap says I'd like a ribeye steak with all the trimmings please...yes sir no problem...how would you like your steak cooked sir....young chap says, I'd like it, like winning an argument with the wife mate...waiter says...rare it is then sir....
boom, boom:lol:
That's hilarious Guy!
Not my son's drawing, pinched off the web, but what a legend! :lol:
https://cdn.onebauer.media/one/lifes...size=aspectfit
Think I'll pass on the chicken and mushroom!
I had a prostate exam yesterday. That’s the last time I will ever fall asleep on the bus;)
man says to mate, ive been married for 34 years and dont regret a day of it!..
that day was when she went to visit her ailing mother... boom, boom.:eek:
This fella reviews takeaways on yt, fast forward to about 14 minutes to watch him tackle fermented fish, tickled me :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXBd-PsyDO8&t=1560s
Happy Trafalgar day [emoji16]
Politically Correct Nelson at Trafalgar:
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it… full speed ahead!"
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in naval history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "actually sir, we are now diverse and have to refer to the crew as people. Also, our "people" are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man...er person, an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case.......... kiss me, Hardy."
Well done - it made me laugh! :lol:
Can't claim any credit, was shamelessly stolen from my cousin's Facebook page but it did make me chuckle too!Quote:
Originally Posted by Barry
Revenge tip from the net.
If your wife's been annoying you, go out in the kitchen and screw every jar lid down tight! :D
It wouldn't work here - my partner has a stronger grip. However she doesn't know how to program or use the microwave without my assistance.Quote:
Originally Posted by walpurgis
Years ago I thought I was a man trapped inside a woman's body, then I was born.
A joke to make you smile ��
Went for a walk past a farm with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.
She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"
I replied: "He can smell she is ready. That's how nature works."
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.
Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"
I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."
We then went past another pasture and the bull was mating with the cow.
My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"
I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature. All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."
Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her at home and kissed her goodbye.
She said: "Take care and get yourself tested for Covid-19."
Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.
She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."
Why did the fox cross the road?............................................. .........because he wanted to eat the chicken....;)
Don Rickles with John Wayne
https://youtu.be/a-AlVDghSio
Don Rickles with Clint Eastwood
https://youtu.be/Hc2MN1n6UIA