Spotted this on another forum.
Printable View
Spotted this on another forum.
Three guys are stuck on a desert island. Soon they start being bored.
- "We could play some golf, and spend some time having fun", says the first one. "I have two balls, I could cut myself one, so that we have a ball".
- "Nice idea", says the second. "I have a long member, we could use that as a stick !".
Then they both look at the third. After a couple of seconds, he says:
- "No, I won't play".
:lol:
Lord - I laughed so much I nearly fell off my chair! And that only happens when I read some of the more 'smutty' jokes posted here.Quote:
Originally Posted by Stratmangler
Thanks
These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow (allegedly!)
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
STAY AWAY FROM HOSPITAL!!
A little old lady goes into a car spares shop and spends ages wandering up and down all of the aisles in the shop, looking carefully at all the goods on sale. She begins to look confused, so the manager sends one of his staff over to ask if he can be of assistance.
"Good morning madam. Is there anything I can do to help you?"
"Yes, some help would be very welcome, young man. I can't seem to find what I'm looking for - I need a new seven hundred and ten, my old one seems to have gone missing"
"A seven hundred & ten, madam?"
"Yes, that's right. My old seven hundred and ten must have fallen off, so I need a new one - but you don't seem to have any. When will you be getting your next delivery of seven hundred and tens?"
"I'm not sure I know exactly what it is you're looking for. Perhaps you could describe it for me. Where exactly is it in your car?"
"I told you, young man, it fell off, it's not in my car anymore. It was inside - it's a seven hundred and ten. It was under the thing, you know, and on top of the big bit............right in the middle.....on top. It's a seven hundred and ten"
"I'm sorry madam, I still don't really know what it is you need can you explain a little more please?"
"I'm getting rather impatient with you - I'm 74 years old you know, and you're just being rude"
"I'm sorry madam, but without knowing exactly what it is you need, I can't help you. Can you give me a description of what it looks like?
"I told you, I need a seven hundred and ten, my old one has fallen off. What more do you need to know?"
"I'm sorry madam, but I need to know a little more before I can help you properly - why don't you come with me to the counter & maybe you could draw the part for me"
"Well, all right, but I don't see why you can't just tell me where you keep the seven hundred and tens"
So they go up to the counter and the assistant hands the little old lady a pen and a piece of paper.
"There you go madam, now if you draw the thing you're looking for, I'm sure we can help you right away"
So the little old lady drew a picture.........................
...........and this is what she drew...........................
http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/8...lfillercap.jpg
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me "The Prime Minister."
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
"Government."
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you "The People."
The nanny, we will consider her "The Working Class."
And your baby brother, we will call him "The Future."
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies,
'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
:cool:
A taliban deserter is dying from lack of water in the desert when he comes across a market stall selling ties, the taliban says ''have you got any water?'' No said the stall holder, but would you like to buy a tie for a tenner? ''f*ck off'' said the taliban i need water..i should kill you but i need to drink first. The stall holder said i will rise above your bad behaviour & tell you where you can find water..''if you walk for 2 miles towards the sun you will find a restraunt where they serve ice cold water free of charge''.
Off the taliban goes, after 5 hours he comes back nearly dead & says to the stall holder ''You C*nt your brother wont let me in without a tie
:lolsign:
Lol, nice one!Quote:
Originally Posted by Andre