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n me being a burnley fan as well lolQuote:
Originally Posted by Pigmy Pony
Would I be digging a deeper hole if I change it to Padiham? Granddaughter's mother lives there, she seems to have a full complement of gnashers, but I suspect it's just home made dentures from teeth she's found :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Scorps
My recent attempt to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes has made me a laughing stock.
no link to padiham u safe on that :)
on diff note i miss zoo magazine jokes page
there's a a scientific explanation as to why cows have hooves: it's because they lactose
The inventor of anti-virus software has been charged with muder.
They expect the trial to last 30 days.
Jokes were taken from a 2015 edition which included this nugget.
https://i.postimg.cc/vHNYchRy/Screenshot-2.png
Also mentioned
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A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch.
Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does. But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.
He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the farmerdecides to call the customer hotline. "Hello, I just bought a milking cow machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry sir", replies the customer service person, "the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!"
Love it Al - keep them coming! ;)
:rfl:
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle? A dead poodle with an 18 inch arsehole
I went to the pub last night and the barman asks what I wanted....so I said....surprise me.......He showed me a picture of my naked daughter.
Bloke walks into the Pub.....he says, "can I have a pint of Less please".
"Sorry Sir", says the barman looking puzzled. "Is that one of those European beers"?
"I've no idea replies the bloke....The doctor told me I should drink less"
A man walks into a hardware store dressed in painters overalls and asks for a bottle if white spirit. The proprietor looks at him and says "no you're that alcoholic bum that hangs around the street alley ways, you'll just drink this".
The man is shocked, "Oh no you're mistaken, that was the old me, I've now got a job doing painting and decorating. Why does every one automatically think of me as that old me"?
The hardware proprietor says, "you're right, I'm sorry for judging you on your past, would you like a litre bottle"?
"Thank you.....yes a litre bottle please. Do you have a cold one"?
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician....? He worked it with a pencil
A man was on a date with a woman and they went back to her flat. Sitting on the couch he gently nibbled her ear and he whispered....you know, I'd like a little soft pussy.
She replied...so would I, mines like an enamel bucket.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw!
What do you call a Chinese homosexual? Chew Man Chew!
What do you call a Chinese 69? Two Can Chew!
Did you hear about the architect who had his house made backwards, or the gynaecologist who wallpapered his hall through the letter box?
What do you say to a man with no arms or legs?
What's the first thing a blonde learns when starting driving lessons? You can sit upright in a car!
What's the difference between, Love, True Love and showing off?
Spitting, Swallowing and Gargling.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
Eventually you wish you had a fucking club and a spade.
My wife is temperamental. Fifty percent temper and fifty percent mental.
My missus has Old Dysons Syndrome....She makes constant whining noises and doesn't suck anymore.
I've just been given a fortnight to live.
The wife's gone away for two weeks.
Have you been reading the Beano again Vince?
Who's the worlds greatest athlete. The guy who finishes 1st and 3rd in a wanking contest.
Love itQuote:
Originally Posted by Audio Al
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Judging by Diane's face, she just heard ya joke Vince .....:eek:Quote:
Originally Posted by Vince
What's the last thing that goes through a flys mind when it hits a windscreen?
It's arse!
A man was in A & E explaining to the doctor what had happened.
'I fitted a mirror to our bedroom ceiling, but it came down whilst we were shagging'.
The doctor asked, 'who was on top'
'She was' he says.
'I see' said the doctor. 'She has several cuts to her head, back and legs, but how did she end up dislocating her jaw'?
'Nobody criticizes my DIY'.
Th
I saw a poor old lady fall fall unconscious in the snow today. Well, I assume she was poor, she only had 24 pence in her purse.
Did you hear about the terrible crash at Spaghetti Junction. 12 people were injured, 3 pasta way.
How do accountants liven up their office parties?
They invite an Undertaker.
A man walks up to a stunning girl at a party and says, 'Hi, the names Bond'
'Let me guess, James Bond' replies the girl.
'No,' he says.......'Unibond....I'm here to fill your crack.'
A woman goes yo the doctors and says,' Doctor I've got an bit of an embarrassing problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you.'
She disrobes behind the screen and the Doctor goes to have a look.
'Well, what's the problem he asks'
'There are 2 green circles that have appeared on the inside of my thighs.'
The doctor examines her and asks, 'have you been having an affair with a Gypsy lately?'
The woman blushes and replies, 'well, er, yes I have'.
'Ah,' the doctor says, 'that's the problem, tell him his earrings aren't made of gold'!
In a similar vein - What's the difference between kinky and perverted?Quote:
Originally Posted by Vince
Kinky is tickling your lover with a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
thank god for that... no mention of shagging the damn thing:eyebrows:Quote:
Originally Posted by Beobloke
A special one for here :eyebrows:
During the lock-down be extra careful what you buy on eBay and make sure you check out the seller.
My mate spent £50 on a penis enlarger and they sent him a magnifying glass!
A Grandmother says to her grandson, 'would you be a darling and help Granny with her suppository'
'Of course I will Gran' replies her grandson.
She pulls down her knickers and bends over.
'Do I put it in the brown hole or feed it to the turkey?
I was waiting to use the cash machine and a little old lady was struggling to see the screen. 'Could you check my balance' she asked me.......so I pushed her over!
Guy walks into a bar and asks for an Osama Bin Laden.
'Never heard of that one before, what's in it' asks the barman.
'3 shots and a splash of water!
There's a group of Taliban standing around in a cave.
'Theres been a lot of infiltration into our organisation by the British Army, so make sure you keep an eye open'.
They all nod and agree and the leader continues, 'the first patrol tonight will be Omar Abdul Ishim and Dave Smith'!
Customer to handyman ....
are you a plumber. No
are you a sparky.......... No
are you a carpenter...... No
Well whats handy about you then ?....... Well, I live just around the corner !