Jokes & Funnies

Two Friends Meet in Heaven
Paula: "Hello there Jane, what on earth are you doing here?"

Jane: "Hi Paula, I suppose God just thought it was my time. How did you die?"

Paula: "I froze to death."

Jane: "Oh, how horrible!"

Paula: "It wasn't so bad. After I finished shaking from the cold, I began to get numb & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Jane: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that Jim was playing away, so I went home early from shopping to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the living room, drinking beer and watching the football."

Paula: "So, what happened?"

Jane: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up the stairs, I checked the bedrooms, and then ran down into the cellar. Then I went through every cupboard and ran back upstairs to check under all the beds. I climbed into the loft and searched through all the boxes we keep up there. I ran down to the garage then checked the garden shed & I kept this up until I had looked everywhere. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

Paula: "Jim always told me you were stupid - You should've checked the freezer you silly cow. If you'd done that, we'd both still be alive."

A burglar breaks into a house one night. He shines his torch around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark says, "Both God and Jesus know you're here."

He nearly jumps out of his skin, clicks his torch off, and freezes.

There's not a sound, so after a few seconds, he shakes his head and continues.

As he starts disconnecting the wires on the back of the hi-fi, clear as a bell he hears:

"Did you hear me? Both God and Jesus are watching you."

Now, he's getting really freaked out, so he shines his light around frantically, looking for where the voice is coming from.

Finally, in the corner of the room, the beam of the torch comes to rest on a cage. Inside the cage is a parrot.

In a shaky voice, he says to the parrot: "Did you say that?"

"Yep", the parrot confesses. Then it squawks, "I'm just trying to warn you that they're watching you."

The burglar relaxes a little. "You were trying to warn me, eh? Who in the hell are you to lecture me about religion?"

"Well, seeing as you ask, my name is Moses." replies the bird.

"Moses?…………..Moses? Hahahaha!!" the burglar laughs. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name a pair of Rottweilers Jesus and God"

An extraordinarily handsome and wealthy man decided he had a responsibility to mankind to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

After years of searching, he met a man who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission and asked for permission to marry one of them and promised that in exchange there would be a huge sum of money.

The father simply replied:
'Well I'm not a rich man & could always do with a bit of extra cash. They're all hoping to get married and the only way they see out of our poor life of poverty is to find a rich husband, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man took the first daughter to a restaurant that evening and the next day the father asked for his opinion.

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit …….so as you'd hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The father nodded and suggested the man go out with one of the other girls so that evening, the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the father again asked how things went.

'Well,' the man replied, 'she's just a weeee bit …….so as you'd hardly notice...cross-eyed.'
The father nodded and suggested the third girl to see if things might be better. So that's what he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming:
'She's perfect, just perfect, she's the one I want to marry.'

So he paid the father a cheque for a million pounds and they were married the next week on a special licence.

Months later there was a happy event and a baby was born. When the man visited maternity ward he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and demanded his money back because he couldn't understand how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of both the parents.

'Wee…eell,' explained the father: …... 'She was just a weeeee bit…….so as you'd hardly notice…..pregnant when you met her.'

I don't know if you guys have seen Bevis and Butthead but this picture says it all.
This girl could be his twin sister,if he wasen't a cartoon.

The Smiths had tried for years to have a child and not having had any luck, decided to use a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should behere soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to . . . ."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith interrupted.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done
right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a
good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, ummm.. equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.

Madam ? Madam?. . . Good Lord, she's fainted !!!"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Happy & Sad

A husband & wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife & said...''Babe, tell me something that will make me happy & sad at the same time''.

She said... ''You've got the biggest cock out of all your mates''.

:lol:

I drove into the back of someone this morning. Got out to the assess the damage as did the guy i drove into. Couldn't believe it when he got out, he was a dwarf! He said ''I'm not fuk**g Happy!''. I said, ''So which one are you then?!''

:lol:

Dimitri,
That's great! - I could do with one of those every now & again.

I understand there's a similar phenomenon to be witnessed when Marco bends over to pick up a heavy item from the floor!