I said to the missus last night, "Here, put this nurses outfit on."
"Ooh," she said seductively. "Why is that?"
I said, "We need a loaf!"
Printable View
I said to the missus last night, "Here, put this nurses outfit on."
"Ooh," she said seductively. "Why is that?"
I said, "We need a loaf!"
I told my mate that I got fired for downloading porn at work and causing everything to crash.
"That's a bit harsh," he said.
"They don't mess around at Air Traffic Control!" I replied.
Last night at the strip club the ugliest woman I've ever seen dances up to me and says, "Hey handsome, what would you like me to take off first?"
I said, "My glasses!"
Haha made missus chuckleQuote:
Originally Posted by Oddball
For some inexplicable reason, an advert for this book popped up whilst I was looking for something on Google:
https://jackets.gardners.com/media/6...1849148719.jpg
!!! ?
know a few of them
Even Batman is Social Distancing
https://i.postimg.cc/br3YYtg5/batman.jpg
Under current guidelines nobody should cough within 2 metres of you. If they do then it is to be recorded as a ‘near cough’ and you should immediately instruct them to 'far cough.’…
Brilliant:lol:
Im suprised no one made a thing out of Paul Hardcastle '19'
lol - Had this as a WhatsApp message a few days ago - love it :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by mr sneff
n n n n not yet not yetQuote:
Originally Posted by Made in 1968
Latest royal news - Prince Charles is self-isolating in Scotland with Covid-19. Prince Andrew is self-isolating at Windsor with Jennifer - 16.
Just caught an absolutely disgusting pervert on the bus watching porn over my shoulder!
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns...
Well, toucan play at that game!
---------------------------------------------
My girlfriend says she's leaving me because of my obsession with KitKats...
I suggested we have a break!
---------------------------------------------
I called the doctor. "My wife is going into labour! What should I do?"
"Is this her first child?" he asked.
"No, this is her husband!
----------------------------------------------
I'm not saying I'm concerned about catching Covid-19 but I did my 20 mins
walk via Google Earth street view today...
-----------------------------------------------
An Irishman's first drink with his son:
While reading an article last night about fathers and the sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?
He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.
He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so s**t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid idiots, because I wasn't even home yesterday."
:lol:
Irish Confession
I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, I said to him,"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."
I went out on a date with a dentist many years ago.
At the end of the evening she said she would like to see me again in 6 months time!
Diane Abbott to take the Corona Virus test................but only if there are no maths questions.
:eyebrows:Quote:
Originally Posted by Ian7633
My lesbian neighbours recently asked me to help them conceive a child. They
said they didn't mind doing it the old fashioned way as they were both very
liberal minded. Anyway, we've been trying for 6 months now and I'm
wondering if I should tell them I had the snip last year?
I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving down the road with her
hazard lights on...
At least she's honest
:D:eyebrows:
Marco.
The wife just shouted from upstairs 'do you ever get shooting pains across your body like someones got a Voodoo doll of you and they keep stabbing it?'
All concerned I shouted up 'no'.
She replied 'how about now?'............
:D
:D
One of our neighbours got taken to hospital last night with corona virus and they’ve put him on one of those Dyson ventilators... he’s picking up nicely…
What is the difference between a prozzy & a drug dealer?
A prozzy can wash her crack & re-use it.
Belter!:lol:
Marco.
You know why the Chinese have never had a decent cricket team?
They keep eating the bats
QualityQuote:
Originally Posted by mr sneff
A farmer had a nice female pig he wanted to breed, and the farmer up the road had a prize male pig to breed her with. So, when the sow went into heat, he put her in the back of his truck and drove to the neighbor’s farm. As soon as she got out of the truck, the boar came stomping and snorting! A huge muscular pig with blood in his eyes, he blasted right through a board fence and mounted the pig, all kinds of squealing and fussing later, he goes back to his mud hole and flops down.
The farmer asks the neighbor, “how do we know if it took?”, and the neighboring farmer said, “look in the morning, if she’s up on top the hill, it didn’t take, but if she’s down in the bottom, in the mud, it took”. So the next morning he looks out the window and the pig is up on top the hill.
So he loads her in the truck and takes her back to the neighbor’s and the same thing happens. And the next morning he looks out the window and the girl pig is up on top the hill. So he loads her in the truck and takes her to the neighbor’s where the huge boar hits it again!
The next morning the farmer was slow to rise, so he asks his wife, “look out the window and tell me if that pig is up on the hill or down in the mud”. His wife looks out and says, “She’s in the front seat of the truck blowing the horn!”
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Yea - awesome !!! :lol::lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Scorps
What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian
A nun is being given driving lessons by the Mother Superior.
As shes driving along a massive ball of fire erupts from the road ahead from which the Devil appears.
“Dont fear my child, do an emergency stop!” Instructs Mother Superior
The Nun applies progressive braking whilst increasing her grip on the wheel, depresses the clutch, applies the handbrake, puts gear in neutral and checks mirrors and blind spots.
“Perfect! Says Mother Superior, " Now show the Devil your cross”
Nun winds down the window raises her middle finger and shouts
"Get out of the road you f@ckin’ idiot!
giggled at that one
It doesn't provide the recommended 2m distancing - nice idea though.
Indeed.Quote:
Originally Posted by Scorps
The calif D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on on Calif hwys recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
:doh::doh:Quote:
Originally Posted by andyrlb
I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old shotgun.
Peter Jones said, "And what's your idea?"
I replied, "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the fliping bag!"
I came home from the pub this morning at 3am, only to see my wife standing at the front door holding a rolling pin. I said, "What are you doing baking at this time of the morning?"
What's 50 feet long and has 8 teeth? The queue outside Burnley Asda
:lol:. What a way to talk about fellow Lancastrians :eyebrows:Quote:
Originally Posted by Pigmy Pony