Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus asks for a table for 26.
The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”
Jesus says, “Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.”
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Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus asks for a table for 26.
The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”
Jesus says, “Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.”
I’m a bit worried today as I can’t stop singing Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin songs.
I think I may have Croonervirus.
:lol::DQuote:
Originally Posted by Beobloke
Doing my weekly shop in morrisons today. I was horrified to find they had no toilet paper at all.
Reluctantly I headed for the checkout and asked if they had any. A firm NO was the answer.
Walking back to the toilets with my pants and trousers around my ankles was a walk of shame........
During my check up I asked my doctor 'Do you think I will live a long and healthy life then?'
He replied 'I doubt it somehow - Mercury is in Uranus right now'.
I said 'I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense'.
He replied ' neither do I but my thermometer just broke'.........
old ones are the best ones :D
I’ve just checked my bank account and all my money is now in Swedish currency.
I think I’ve got Kronervirus.
So my wife tells me. I remain unconvinced.Quote:
Originally Posted by struth
Wife was cleaning 12 year old sons bedroom, when she finds a load of serious fetish gear and bondage mags. She asks her husband “what do we do?”
Husband says “I’m no expert but whatever you do don’t spank him.”
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Very good Discopants:lol:
JOHN TRAVOLTA SUSPECTED OF HAVING CORONA VIRUS.
John Travolta was hospitalised for suspected Covid 19 but doctors now confirm it was only Saturday night fever, and they assure everyone that he is staying alive.
Apparently he was diagnosed because he had chills that were multiplying.
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:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Discopants
I hear that all staff and passengers at John Lennon airport have been placed under quarantine.
Imagine all the people.
The British Government are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, it is anticipated that the level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The British have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
In addition, the virus has now been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Ruddy Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “A Ruddy Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Right Pished Off” to “Let's Get the Bassa”. These are the only two levels they have.
Brilliant, stiff upper lip and all that. :lol:
Boris Johnston on who gets the respirator..
"Well, if you'll just bear with me, I think I've devised a fair and equitable system of choosing who should survive. It's based on age, rank, seniority, usefulness... to cut a long story short, it's me. I was as stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a recount. But blow me, if it didn't come out as me again!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by struth
Errr no thanks :eek:
LolQuote:
Originally Posted by Beobloke
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In light of recent Coronavirus issues and the problem of people bulk-buying, a number of supermarkets have introduced limitations on purchases as follows:
Asda: 2 hand sanitisers, 24 toilet rolls max.
Tesco: 1 Hand sanitiser, 18 toilet rolls & 2kg rice.
Co-op: 1 Hand Sanitiser, 12 rolls toilet paper, 1kg rice.
Lidl: 2 Trumpets, one diving suit & one MIG welder.
:DQuote:
Originally Posted by Beobloke
A woman is alone at home when there is a knock on the door.
Opening it, she sees a man standing there.
“Do you have a vagina?” He asked her.
Shocked, the woman slams the door in his face.
The next day there is another knock at the door. The same man is standing there.
“Do you have a vagina?” He asks again.
For the second time, she slams the door on him.
Later that night, she tells her husband about the man.
“Ok.” He said “Tomorrow I will stay home and if he knocks again, say Yes this time and we will see where this goes”
Sure enough, the next day there is a knock on the door.
The husband whispers “I’ll hide behind the door whilst you answer”
Opening the door, she is not surprised to see the same man
“Do you have a vagina?”
“Yes I do” she answers
“Good” replies the man “Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”
Man walks in to a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey
“Wow,” says the barman “you got problems?”
“Yes” says the man “ I’ve just found out that my best friend is gay.”
Next day, the same man walks in and orders 12 shots
“Now what?” Asked the barman
“Just found out my son is gay” answered the man
The day after the man walks in and orders 15 shots.
“Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?” Said the barman
The man looked up from his drinks
“Apparently my wife does”
Keep 'em coming Anto,
We all need a bit of a laugh at the moment. :)
Cracking still!
You need to be a Fast Show fan for this one-
https://i.imgur.com/Z65dIbg.jpg
Tesco's out, Aldi next-
https://i.imgur.com/dlT4ofB.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/eh60Svy.jpg
Thought id add a couple that made me chuckle
The wife's mother rushed into the maternity wing to find out how her daughter was progressing. As she entered the waiting room she spotted her son in law. Unbeknown to her he was listening to the cricket on his ipod.
hows it going " she asked anxiously
"not bad" he smiled "they've got 4 out and there's only 1 to go."
"Aaah she screamed and fainted :)
Johnnie asked for time off because his wife was going to have a baby. The following day his boss asked him what it was a boy or a girl.
"too early to say"" said johnnie "it'll be another 9 months before we know the answer to that."
mummy, mummy, what are you doing?"" exclaimed the little boy as he walked into the bedroom to find her sitting on daddy.
"just flattening daddy's tummy mum replied.
""I wouldn't bother, when you go out tonight the au pair will only blow it up again.""
Had to add this one few members will agree with it.
"Mr O'Malley, you are up before this court for being drunk and disorderly. Do you have anything to say in your defence?"
"yes your honour. I fell into bad company i met some non-drinkers in the park."
"But why should that be bad?" asked the judge
""I had a bottle of whisky with me and i had to drink it all myself."
They said a mask and gloves would be good enough to go to the Supermarket during the Covid 19 outbreak.
They lied - everyone else had cloths on as well......
All sporting events cancelled but live boxing can be seen at Tesco, Morrisons, Aldi, Lidl, Sainsburys, and Asda!
This is getting serious now, what's going to close next, Katie Price's legs...?
Oh please do [emoji18]Quote:
Originally Posted by Oddball
The judge turned to the farmer and said "Mr. Brown you are in this court to claim damages against this truck driver for the awful injuries you sustained at the time of the accident. And yet, Mr Brown, at the time of the accident you were heard to say to the policeman that you'd never felt better. Can you explain this to the court.
The farmer replied "it's like this your honour, at the time of the accident the policeman went over to my dog, and seeing it was so badly injured he shot it. Then he went over to my cows and when he saw that they had broken legs, he shot them as well. So when he asked me how i felt, I thought it was a good idea to tell him id never felt better."
Two couples got married on the same day and ended up in the same hotel for their honeymoon.
One evening, the girls having already gone to bed, the two men had a couple of drinks together in the bar. As time went on the men started to get boastful and Geoff claimed he could make love to his wife more times than John. Fired up with booze, John accepted the challenge and they agreed to meet the following morning with the results.
“Last night, I made love to my wife 3 times” said Geoff at breakfast time. “What about you?” John replied, “34 times.” “What!!” exclaimed Geoff. “OK, double or nothing, let’s see what happens tonight.”
The next day Geoff arrived in the dining room looking knackered. “7 times,” he said to John. John laughed. “You lose again, 48 times for me.” “Well that’s unbelievable, how do you manage it?” “Listen, I’ll show you. Put your hips back, then push forward quickly. That’s one. Now, pull your hips back again and push forward quickly. That’s two…”
Two nuns are cycling down a narrow cobblestone street when one says to the other, “I haven’t come this way before.” “Neither have I, it’s the cobbles you know,” the other replied
One nun says to the other nun " Where's the candle " Nun 2 replys " Yes it does doesent it "
Dont give up your day job will you ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Scorps
sorry it the sad ones that tickle me like
The pompous club pro was challenged to a round of golf by one of the less experienced members for a prize of £100.
The pro, smiling to himself, immediately took up the challenge, “but,” said his partner, “as long as you agree that I can have two ‘geronimos’.” Not knowing what these were, but confident in his own ability, the club pro agrees.
At the end of the round, the other members are astonished to see the pro handing over £100.
“We can’t believe it” they said. “What happened?” “Well, I was just swinging my club down for the first hole, when my partner grabs me by the bollocks and shouts ‘geronimo’.” Imagine trying to play the next 17 holes, waiting for the second one.”
So this moth goes into a podiatrist's office. The podiartrist asks the moth, "What seems to be the problem?"
The moth says, "I don't know where to start. I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. I've been at the same job for twenty years and I don't just hate it, I'm revolted by it. I can barely summon the strength to drag myself in every day but I have no choice because I'm in debt up to my compound eyes. The idea of doing this job for years more just makes me sick. I've grown apart from my wife. She's no longer the woman I loved, and I can barely stand to be around her but I feel guilty for feeling that way about her. It just eats me up inside. My daughter's shacked up at eighteen with a guy I can't stand who's terrible for her and she dropped out of school, but she won't listen to reason and it breaks my heart. And my son... I just don't know if I love my own son, because he reminds me of everything I hate about myself. I look into his eyes and see the same digusting, snivelling cowardice I know everyone sees in mine. I can't even work up the courage to put an end to it all. I feel like my entire life is nothing more than a fragile web of lies just barely holding me back from the screaming abyss."
The podiatrist says to the moth, "You do seem to have a lot of problems, but I'm a podiatrist. You need to see a therapist, a psychiatrist even. Why did you come to me?"
And the moth says, "The light was on."
I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'Then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. I don't understand the sudden change of heart, but who am I to ask. I'm so lucky...
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this!
BLONDE Jokes!!!!!!!!!!!
A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"
And save the best - till last :D
A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier:
"I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."
So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.
The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...
One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said:
"No, you might have a snake in there."
The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and screamed:
"That smells like sh!t."
The lady replied:
"It is... I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper please."
Good ones there Anto
Thanks Pete - Hope youre keeping ok mate? Did your shop come ok ?
My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning...
I love felt tip pens!