Jokes & Funnies

A policeman, while driving home across the moors, saw this dodgy-looking man walking along the road with a shotgun and a holdall, and decided to 'have a word'.

"What's in the bag, son?"

"Oh just something for tea"

"Let's have a look. Shit, is that a Golden Eagle?"

"Yeah I know it's illegal, but these are hard times, and I do what I have to, to put food on the table".

"Be that as it may, you are under arrest".

On the way back to the station the copper says, "I've got to ask, what does Golden Eagle taste like?"

"Well, it's a bit like Swan".

Just got a new aftershave which smells like lard, breadcrumbs and worms.

The birds bloody love it...

It was January '82 during a week-long white-out that we decided to take the children and their ailing grandfather sledging. Because he suffered from cold, we rubbed lard all over him. He went downhill pretty fast after that.

Wonderful !

:lol:

Thank you, Mike. The first since 2008 (I'm still shown on the first pages here; can't believe it !). I've a list of one-liners which I'll post here from time to time, including now.

My neighbour's dog only responds to commands in Spanish.

However, he is Espanol.


Qu. Which major London rail terminus was and is used by Billingsgate to transport lobsters, crabs, etc. to Balmoral, Sandringham and similar royal places?

Ans. Kings Crustacean

:)
Good, sledging very good

guy with 5 penises...His pants fit him like a glove.

My wife doesn't think I can mend the electric shower. Well, she's in for a shock !

What happens if the universe explodes? No matter !

The man who invented the brolly in the nineteenth century initially called it the 'brella'. Unfortunately, however, he hesitated.

Somewhere in Nashville Tennessee, a woman walked into a tattoo parlor and asked the artist if he could tattoo a picture of Elvis’s face on the inside of her thigh. He said, “Sure no problem, I promise it’ll look exactly like him!”. So, he gets in there and tattoos for a few hours. He claims he’s done and holds up a mirror. The woman is irate! “That doesn’t look anything like Elvis! You’ve ruined me!”, to which he replies, “it looks just like him! You just don’t want to pay!”. So they argue for a while, until he suggests, “I’ll do another Elvis’s face on your other thigh, and this time it’ll look exactly like him!”, so the woman agrees.

He worked for hours! And very proud of himself he hands her the mirror and she says, “ that is worse than the first one! You’ve ruined me for life! That doesn’t look anything like Elvis!”, and again he claims it does and she doesn’t want to pay! So, at a standstill, he suggests they get a third opinion, and what he says goes. So she agrees. The Tattoo artist looks outside and there is a wino hanging on a lamp post right out front. He says, “Hey Mister! Come here, I’ve got something I want you to see.”, so the man comes in. The artist tells him, “look at those tattoos and tell me who they look like.”. So the old drunk staggers over, and gets a really close look, going back and forth. And he proclaims, “I don’t know who those two guys on the ends are, but the one in the middle looks like Willy Nelson!”

Russell

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

I got a lovely Rolex one Christmas, from the lesbians that live next-door.
I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".

I spilt some domestos over my local clergyman
Now I'm being charged with a bleach of the priest

If vampires cast no reflection, how come their hair is always so neat and tidy?

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/201...1c2b7b06d6.jpg

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Originally Posted by Roy S

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Lol

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Originally Posted by Roy S

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Good one! Is that from an old Punch magazine? My Dad used to subscribe, so that cartoonist looks familiar.

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Originally Posted by Svend N

Good one! Is that from an old Punch magazine? My Dad used to subscribe, so that cartoonist looks familiar.

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Stereo Review, June 1988 apparently?

Might be the same guy...looks like a similar style to some stuff Punch put out. Funny fellow :)

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Russell

:rfl: Brilliant.

Russell, that's so funny:rfl:

That’s my ex to a tee!

Russell

I went to my G.P. with problems down under. After initial tests, she told me that I'd have to stop masturbating. When I asked why, she said
"Because I'm trying to examine you !".

Last time I went to the doctor, he said "if you take it easy and stop smoking and drinking, you may make it back to your car".

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Trump has two parts of brain，"left" and "right". In the left side, there 's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.

Clever man. Pity he is such an asshole

A man called Simon goes on Stars in their eyes & Mathew Kelly notices he's in a wheelchair.
Mathew asks, what happened ?
I was in a car crash with my Uncle. He died & I had to have my legs amputated. But they saved my uncle's legs & grafted them onto me, in six months time I will be able to walk again.
That's amazing say's Mathew. Who are you going to be for us tonight then ?
Tonight Mathew I'm going to be,
Simon & Half Uncle.

Had a really encouraging first day as a sound engineer, I got amazing feedback.

Which main London railway terminus is used by Billingsgate to send out lobsters and crabs to the provinces ?

King's Crustacean.


I spent all day Sunday sending distress calls and really developed a flare for it.


Conjunctivitis.com really is a site for sore eyes.


I've just got myself a new dry-wipe white board. It really is remarkable !


What would happen if the Universe exploded ?

No matter.

A man gets up in the morning and goes to work, as he always does. On the train, he sees a group of young women in the back all sobbing, and crying, “Johnny’s dead!”. So, he gets to his morning coffee shop, and can’t get any service, all the waitresses are in the back crying, “Johnny’s dead!”. So he skips it and goes to work. All the female employees are in the corner sobbing and crying, “Johnny’s dead!”. So the janitor came around to dump his bin, and he asked him, “who is this Johnny fellow?”, and the janitor told him, “ he was a young man who dated quite a few of the girls who work here, he really is hung like a mule!”, “They’ve got him down at the morgue, you really ought to see it!”. So, curious, he goes down to the morgue and tells the attendant, “I’m a family member of the deceased, can I have a minute alone?”. And the attendant agreed and left the room. He pulls the sheet back and sure enough, it’s the biggest jank he’s ever seen! So he takes out his pin knife and cuts it off, and rolls it up in a newspaper, thinking, “Martha has got to see this!”. So he rushes home and calls his wife, “Martha, come and see this!”, he unrolls the newspaper and his wife burst into tears, “Johnny’s Dead!”

Russell

Just in a nice pub having a chat to a cyclist. He is on his 2nd pint so I ask him if it affects him when he is cycling.
Answer : I don't know I've only just bought the bike.

Classic.

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Originally Posted by Firebottle

Just in a nice pub having a chat to a cyclist. He is on his 2nd pint so I ask him if it affects him when he is cycling.
Answer : I don't know I've only just bought the bike.

Classic.

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Years ago, I used to cycle back from the pub pretty well hammered. Only ever fell off once though! :D

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Originally Posted by Firebottle

Just in a nice pub having a chat to a cyclist. He is on his 2nd pint so I ask him if it affects him when he is cycling.
Answer : I don't know I've only just bought the bike.

Classic.

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Lol - and was the idiot planning on cycling on the road afterwards? I'd subject cyclists to the same rules on drink 'driving', as car drivers, as a pished cyclist is just as dangerous to have on the road as a drunk driver!

Marco.

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Originally Posted by Firebottle

Just in a nice pub having a chat to a cyclist. He is on his 2nd pint so I ask him if it affects him when he is cycling.
Answer : I don't know I've only just bought the bike.

Classic.

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I have to cycle, there's no way I could walk
:)

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Originally Posted by Marco

Lol - and was the idiot planning on cycling on the road afterwards? I'd subject cyclists to the same rules on drink 'driving', as car drivers, as a pished cyclist is just as dangerous to have on the road as a drunk driver!

Marco.

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I knew a girl who suggested taking a horse to the pub and tethering it outside whilst she could go in and get 'hammered'. Then when she wanted to go home she would climb on the horse (or more likely drape herself over it) and the horse would take her home.

But as I pointed out to her, it is an offense to be drunk in charge of a horse, just as it is to be drunk in charge of a motor vehicle.

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Originally Posted by Barry

I knew a girl who suggested taking a horse to the pub and tethering it outside whilst she could go in and get 'hammered'. Then when she wanted to go home she would climb on the horse (or more likely drape herself over it) and the horse would take her home.

But as I pointed out to her, it is an offense to be drunk in charge of a horse, just as it is to be drunk in charge of a motor vehicle.

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Yes , but is it an offence to be in charge of a canal boat?

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Originally Posted by Oddball

Yes , but is it an offence to be in charge of a canal boat?

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I don't know - presumably there are rules and regulations on the use of inland waterways. :scratch:

It's an offence to be drunk, full stop. Even alone indoors!

there was a law added about that but i dont think it ever got enacted as such.. comes under Railways and Transport Safety. harbours have rules too, but anyone endangering others can be prosecuted

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Originally Posted by Marco

Lol - and was the idiot planning on cycling on the road afterwards? I'd subject cyclists to the same rules on drink 'driving', as car drivers, as a pished cyclist is just as dangerous to have on the road as a drunk driver!

Marco.

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Yes but being run down by a bicycle is not as hazardous as being run down by a car! If I had to choose. Still no fun.

Russell

A man comes into the hardware store with his recently purchased chain saw. He tells the clerk, “Something is wrong with this chainsaw, it took me all day long to cut up a cord of wood!”. The clerk says, “Well let’s take a look at it”, and he pulls the rope and it fires up”, BRRRR! And the customer says, “What’s that noise!”

Russell

https://scontent-frt3-2.xx.fbcdn.net...38&oe=5BD83BEE

Where did you dig that one up?

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Originally Posted by mr sneff

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Is that a Greatful Dead album?

Russ

:lol: I like that!

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Originally Posted by alphaGT

Is that a Greatful Dead album?

Russ

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A preacher goes to visit the elderly organist of his church for tea. He arrives and takes a seat, and waits while the old girl makes the tea. While waiting, he sees a bowl of water on her pedal organ, with a condom floating in it! He’s not quite sure what to make of it? So the elderly woman returns with the tea, and he has to ask, “what can you tell me about this bowl?”. She tells him, “I was walking in the park and found this little wrapper, and it said on it to place on the organ, keep it wet, and it will help prevent disease!”, “And you know, I haven’t had the flu all Winter!”.

Russell

I tried posting this months ago, but it didn't happen. Maybe it was deemed 'inappropriate' or more likely something I did wrong.

A long, long time ago, when I was about 20, I was in a nightclub and got chatting to this very attractive woman. She was a lot older than me, at least double my age, but she clearly looked after herself.

A few drinks later, and we were both quite drunk, she said "Have you ever fancied a mother & daughter threesome?" I replied that although I'd never thought about it, I was always open to trying something new.

So we left to go back to her place, and when we went through the front door she shouted up the stairs: "Hey mum! You still awake?"

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Originally Posted by Pigmy Pony

I tried posting this months ago, but it didn't happen. Maybe it was deemed 'inappropriate' or more likely something I did wrong.

A long, long time ago, when I was about 20, I was in a nightclub and got chatting to this very attractive woman. She was a lot older than me, at least double my age, but she clearly looked after herself.

A few drinks later, and we were both quite drunk, she said "Have you ever fancied a mother & daughter threesome?" I replied that although I'd never thought about it, I was always open to trying something new.

So we left to go back to her place, and when we went through the front door she shouted up the stairs: "Hey mum! You still awake?"

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Lol! [emoji23]

Russell

Here's an old one from the late great Tommy Cooper:

I was having a clear out in the attic when I came across a painting and an old violin. I took them to an antiques dealer to see if they were worth anything.

"Well," he said, "The good news is that here you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is that Stradivarius couldn't paint for toffee, and Picasso was rubbish at making violins".