Jokes & Funnies

A female teacher at a polytechnic college was exhorting her students about the vital exam the following day.

" There will be no excuses for non-attendance tomorrow," she said.

I may accept a nuclear explosion, death or serious illness in the family or a life-threatening accident, but that's it!", she declared.

"What if I come in suffering from total sexual exhaustion?" said a male voice from the back of the class.

When the sniggering and shuffling had subsided, the teacher replied

"Then you'd have to write with the other hand!"

Jesus is on the cross, he looks down at his diciples gathered around him and says...
"Fear not my brothers, for I shall return in three days. And no-one touches my easter egg while I am gone"

Wife calls up hubby and said "i have run out of petrol and i am scared to fill up because of swine flu". He said "you daft sod that is Mexico not Texaco."

Just won an holiday to Mexico but cannot go I am pig sick.

Did you hear about the overweight,alcoholic transvestite.
All he wanted to do was eat,drink and be Mary.

An Aberdonian was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better
and better to the lonely Scot.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her
and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Aberdonian started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

>
>
> Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
> life; is this true?
> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
> that's it... Don't waste them on exercise.
> Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will
> not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
> extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to
> live longer? Take a nap.
>
>
>
> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
> vegetables?
> A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
> eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a
> steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
> delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
> chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
> leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
> recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
>
> Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
> A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
> Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water
> out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness
> that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
> Bottoms up!
>
> Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
> A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is
> one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one,
> etc.
>
> Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a
> regular exercise program?
> A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
> is: No Pain...Good!
>
> Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?
> A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
> .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact,
> they're permeated in it. How could getting more
> vegetables be bad for you?
>
> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
> around the middle?
> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
> bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
> bigger stomach.
>
>
> Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
> A: Are you crazy?
> HELLO
> Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
> feel-good food around!
>
>
> Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
> A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to
> me.
>
>
> Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
> A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
>
>
> Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may
> have had about food and diets.
>
>
> And remember:
>
>
> 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
> intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
> preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay
> in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used
> up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a
> Ride'
>
>
>
>
> AND......
>
>
> For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the
> final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to
> know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
> studies.
>
>
> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer
> heart attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer
> heart attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
> sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
> Americans.
>
>
> CONCLUSION
>
>
> Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
> what kills you. ............ ..
>
>

An American lawyer and an Scotsman are sitting next to each other on a
long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Scotsmen are so dumb that he
could put something over on them easily. So the lawyer asks if the
Scotsman would like to play a fun game.


The Scotsman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks. The American lawyer persists,
and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you
don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I
don't know the answer, I will pay you £500, he says. This catches the
Scotsman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the
game.


The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'
The Scotsman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a
five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.


Now, it's the Scotsman's turn. He asks the lawyer,
'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find
on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to
no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up
the Scotsman and hands him £500. The Scotsman pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep.


The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Scotsman
up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?'


The Scotsman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to
sleep.

Don't mess with the Scots.

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So,
he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex... The
owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly,
he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number
was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry,
it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is
rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Paddy replied, "No it
ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all. My wife won twice last week."

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day and said,
'Alastair, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back
Middle England'.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats,
some proper green wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador.
Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in
Little Something or other, and we'll show we really enjoy the
countryside .......... Oh and remember not to mention the Hunting with
Dogs Act.'

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out and with
the requisite labrador at heel, they set off from London. Eventually
they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely
country pub and with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood
please' said Brown.

'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it
is, coming up.'

Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes,
nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog
lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about
how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not
paying the council tax. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar
opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He
walked up to the labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath,
shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments
later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure. To the
bewilderment of Brown and Darling people of all ages and gender
followed suit over the next hour. Eventually, unable to stand it any
longer, Darling called the landlord over.

'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in and look
under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told
them that there was a labrador in this bar with two ######holes'.