I found this very amusing
It caused a bit of a stir in some quarters too http://www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-35288560 :)
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I found this very amusing
It caused a bit of a stir in some quarters too http://www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-35288560 :)
Just been for a lovely Indian curry, I had a chicken tarka, it's like a chicken tikka, just a little otter. :)
Why are hurricanes usually named after women?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild but when they go, they take your house and car.
took my other half to the doctors the other day, to try and cure her tourettes ...
It turns out she doesn't have it, she really thinks I'm a f*****g b*****d, and really does wish I'd f*** off
My mate's girlfriend, was dancing on a table in the club.
"Good legs," I said to him.
"Do you really think so?," he asked.
"Yes," I replied, "most other tables would've collapsed under that weight!
Man vs Woman difference
https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net...7e&oe=5704A3EA
Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.
He was in the hospital, in terrible pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.
He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation. The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits then?"
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
A man is worried about the health of his wife.She has been wandering off in the night & falling prey to all types of unscrupulous men who have taken advantage of her confused state & having their wicked way with her.
He takes her to the doctors & retells the symptoms. The doctor says that her behavior may be cause by Alzteimers but because of all her sexual activity she may have contracted AIDS but he can't be sure.
The husband says what can you do to help her?
The doctor replies that he should take her out for a drive & drop her off a couple of miles from their house.
What do I do then replies the husband.The doctor says that he should return home & if she turns up whatever you do don't f*&k her!
I ordered an Oasis soup in a restaurant today.
It's just like a normal soup but you got a roll with it.
Lovely. Staying with the food related music gags:Quote:
Originally Posted by RichB
Q: How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
A: With jam in.
How do you make a penguin into a singer ?
Microwave until his Bill Withers
Oh dear. Looks like we have now lost H from Steps.
http://www.tiger800.co.uk/index.php?...ch=20703;image
Linky no worky!
Marco.
One for the Scottish mafia to appreciate:
Sounds like a right roaster! :lol: :D
Marco.
http://i1053.photobucket.com/albums/...98989201_n.jpg
Sound like anyone here?
The wife came home early and caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread...
"It's not what it looks like" I said
"Well what is it then?" she enquired
"It's a woman" I said.......
:rfl:Quote:
Originally Posted by Oddball
As a change from jokes I thought I would share a couple of one liners from a friend of mine.He was married,but not for long,as will become apparent.
His attitude to women was straight from a previous century.
He was berating his wife, as usual, & said that he would like to come home one day & find the oven as warm as the television.
His wife confronted him about his affairs & infidelity.'What would you call me if you found me in bed with one of your friends?'
He replied 'A lesbian.'
Any more real world one liners & ripostes that you have heard?
No but I can share a few nicknames I have for work colleaguesQuote:
Originally Posted by legb4rsk
Blister - The manager who pops up when all the hard work is done.
Thrombosis - A slow moving clot of a colleague.
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Cooking is not difficult; if it were, women would be no good at it.
Hehehe... I like that! :thumbsup:Quote:
Originally Posted by legb4rsk
And if not, 'warm up' her arse accordingly!! :D
Marco.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RichB
Yes! When I was a field engineer we used to call the support engineers in the office pilot lights
because the never went out.
When I lived in Leeds, used to work with a bloke who'd lost most of his teeth - just had the one on the top in front, so in the usual laconic Yorkshire manner of dropping H's, he was called Central Eating..
From the age of 17 to 22 I worked as a roof tiler and one of the old boys on the firm didn't have a tooth in his head. He could devour a crusty bacon roll faster than the rest of us who had teeth and it was a sight to see. :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Ali Tait
Little Johnny is back
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
Dr.Geezer
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for £500, if not cured, get back £1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh! - this is petrol.
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, - that is petrol.
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500."
Dr. Young (after having lost £1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak - I can hardly see anything!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your £1000 back." (giving him a £10 note)
Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back; that will be £500."
Moral of story - Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"*
Paddy goes on holiday to Spain, he's having no luck pulling birds but notices an English lad in the next apartment is pulling birds every night.
One night in the bar he asks him "Whats the secret? how can i improve my non existent pulling rate? The English lad advises him to stuff something down his swimming trunks on the beach to make himself look larger.
He finds a potato kicking around and pops it into his trunks next morning. Its no good the girls now run away with looks of horror on their faces.
He tells his new mate this nd asks "what i am doing wrong?" He replies "You are supposed to put it in the front".
Paddy was walking along a nudist beach in Spain with a hat perched on his todger to prevent sunburn,
Vanessa Feltz walked passed sniggering and said, "if you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat".
Paddy replied, "if you weren't so minging, it would lift itself".
Not a joke but very funny
German mayor blasts far-right, reveals porn browsing
By PAUL DALLISON 2/19/16, 4:38 PM CET
The mayor of a small German town thought he was making a serious point about the rise of the far-right Alternative for Germany party — but was revealing his Internet porn browsing history.
Thomas Köppl, the mayor of Quickborn near Hamburg, was taking part in a debate on the AfD and used a screenshot of the German constitution to make his point, German newspaper Bild reported. But he had forgotten to close other, XXX-rated tabs on his Internet browser for pages with titles such as “Punishment porn videos” and “German slut punished.”
:lol::D
According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.;)
Very good Grant :eyebrows:
A 90 odd yr old man accused of groping???:scratch:
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/n...ualt/81689368/
It gets funnier the more you read on :D
The missus atacked me with the vacuum cleaner last night, I said " hey, you're Dyson with death there" :)
it's not the first time, a guy attacked me with a razor once...................... good job it wasn't plugged in. :)
lol.... nice one DavidQuote:
Originally Posted by mr sneff
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oddball
Reminds me of the story of another old man accused of harassing the females in an old peoples home.
He was taken to the senior managers office to explain himself & the manager said 'You do realise that Mrs Jones is 83 years old & has acute angina!'
He replied with a grin on his face, 'You're telling me!!'
Mind out when you drive that mower :D
https://www.facebook.com/PFCMagazine/
Top tip - Recreate the experience of a self catering foreign holiday by visiting a branch of Lidl in another town on a warm day.
Ha - like it... You can be anywhere you want in Europe, inside Lidl, as every branch looks the same!
Fancy a trip to Italy? Go to Lidl in Italian week, or a 'Weekend in Paris'? Then go there in French week, buy a baguette and sit in the car park....... Job done - just think of the money you'd save!! :D
Marco.
Came home last night to find my wife had left a note by the hifi saying "it's not working, I've had enough and I'm leaving".
So I put on an LP, turned the volume up and it sounded perfect.
What the hell is she talking about?
Four engineers get into a car. It won't start.
Must be the starter motor that's f**ked, says the mechanical engineer.
No, it's a flat battery, says the electrical engineer.
Probably poor quality fuel, says the chemical engineer.
Shall we try getting out, then back in again, says the computer engineer.
Neighbour just came over to show me her pussy:)
Did you rub its fur? :eyebrows:
Marco.
yup... she said to stroke it so I did ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Marco
seemed quite responsive to a tickle
Not only thing id be stroking :eyebrows:
Saw this in Tesco yesterday :lol:
http://i434.photobucket.com/albums/q...psrofjkhj0.jpg
Yeah, i make it for them in my shed;)