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Jokes & Funnies
Stolen from Facebook but some of the expressions in here are classic! (“Banged more time than Arkwright’s till” :lol: )
The Bexley Gazette Guide To Gloatbook:
What women post on Facebook, and what they REALLY mean.
‘OUT OUT with my partner in crime’
(And it’s just fucking Sandra.
And Sandra has never done anything even slightly unpredictable or remotely exciting in her life, let alone committed a crime, in fact she’s so dull her face could turn a funeral procession up a side street)
Absolutely luuuurve my new Range Rover, thank you hubby, love you heaps babes. Xxxxx
(Oh Fucking deep joy, my complete Dinlo of an old man has strapped us up with yet another 4 years worth of a grand-a-month in lease payments just so he can play Charlie big bollox at Birchwood pitch and putt with all the other divorced cockwombles)
Just cooked the most totes amazeballs dinner (insert photo of something you might see on a bushtucker trial or the contents of a stomach autopsy) can’t wait to snuggle down with my handsome man and eat it!
(hope the lazy, stinking, selfish, narcissistic, sociopath chokes on it…and actually, I didn’t cook it at all, Its a microwave meal from the value range at Iceland that I warmed up then put on a plate so you will all think I am some sort of a Nigella style domestic goddess)
“Wowzers..!! suitcase packed & off on our lovely 5star holibobs with my amazeballs husband and wonderful children..City airport business class lounge here we come!”
(It’s Sharm El-Sheikh, the spiritual home of food poisoning, we’re flying with Ryanair.
“Sooooo super proud of my little Jayden, he’s passed his driving test at the 7th attempt! Where’s that time gone??”
(The mono-syllabic little twat is as thick as gravel soup and on the rare occasions he does say anything barely coherent it’s in some sort of bizarre half-Jamaican accent, I honestly should have had the little hood-rat adopted)
“Had the most increds night with my fav chicks!! So Love my girlies!”
(spent most of the night providing shoulder to cry on for my recently dumped & intensely irritating friend, who in the past has been banged more than Arkwright’s till, in fact her G-spot is on google maps, I then had to stop the desperate cow from shagging a bus driver from Erith, before holding her hair while she projectile vomited £45 worth of tequila rose through her nose, I am never going out with that attention seeking whore again)
“OMG!! Just had the most fab bath complete with Jo Malone candles!!”
(This Fucking bathroom is filthier than a Wetherspoons carpet, there’s urine all over the floor because the old man pisses indiscriminately like an American fighter pilot and this fucking Hope & Glory gift set that his mad mother bought me last Christmas has given my fanny a rash)
“Enjoyed a lovely long walk with the dogs today!”
(because the 3 overbread cocker-doodledoo’s I bought during lockdown ran off around Danson park, rolled in foxes shit and it took me 5 miles to catch the bastard things)
“Had a lovely time with all the famalam today!”
(what was most lovely about it was when the cranky high maintenance loons went home & I’m telling you, if his creepy Dad pats me on the arse once more I swear I’ll have the pervy old bastard nicked)
“Intense gym workout at David Lloyd done!!”
(Fuck all, I’ve done absolutely fuck all except eat an industrial size bar of fruit and nut & a family pack of Doritos while watching loose women, I currently have the BMI of a Hippo & my blood type is Nutella)
“Off to see a “bestie” friend of mine that I haven’t seen since school!”
(really hope she is grey, still much fatter, looks older than me, and that absolute string she’s married to, who is the human equivalent of a wet dressing gown sleeve, isn’t with her)
“Going to have a lovely relaxing early night with hubby in our new John Lewis Egyptian cotton sheets!”
(I’m up those stairs and asleep double sharpish as the old man is feeling amorous again after clocking Holly Willoughby on TV and believe you me, there’s as much chance of Oscar Pistorius getting a verruca as there is him seeing any action)
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''Sharm El-Sheikh, the spiritual home of food poisoning''
:lol:
It's taken over from Tunisia.
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:lol: Reminds me of that old Bob Monkhouse one: "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad, not yelling and screaming like the passengers on his bus".
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I bought a 2nd hand guitar off Adam Ant.
It was £30, but he said for an extra £10 he’ll throw in a Stand and Deliver.
(Thanks to Popbitch for that one!)
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:D Proper dad joke. Just a shame that only dads (and mums) will have any idea who Adam Ant is/was.
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Love it! :lol:
Not only is it funny, it's clean as well. Thanks Alex. :)
