With you on that one bro:yesbruv: inbred German parasites the lot of themQuote:
Originally Posted by Marco
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With you on that one bro:yesbruv: inbred German parasites the lot of themQuote:
Originally Posted by Marco
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloom in well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunken people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
How I learned to mind my own business: I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and I could hear all the patients shouting, "13! 13! 13!" The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting, "14! 14! 14!"
Yeah, one of the Corgis!Quote:
Originally Posted by Marco
By the way I was representing a client in court. A nice man. An animal lover. In fact so much so that he was charged with bestiality. The judge said to me: 'This is disgusting, how low can you go?" While I was trying to answer this the client spoke up form the dock: 'Dacshund'.
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 55
You'll need to be in comfortable, loose-fitting clothing, and barefoot, or wearing good quality trainers.
With a 5-lb potato bag in your hands, extend your arms together straight out in front, and hold them there as long as is comfortable. Aim to hold for 30 seconds, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
When you can manage two full minutes, move up to a 10-lb potato bag. Then try a 20-lb potato bag, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-lb potato bag, and hold your arms straight out for two minutes. (I'm at this level).
Once you feel confident at that level, put a small potato in the bag . . .:)
A man walks into a Chemist's, with his 8-year old son.They walk by the condom shelves, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
The Dad replies, “Those are Condoms Son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that, in Sex Education at School."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this pack?"
The dad replies, "Those are for Sixth-Form boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool," says the boy. Then he notices the 6 packs and asks, "Then who are these meant for then?"
"Those are for College boys," the Dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy." ... "Then who on earth uses THOSE?" he asks, pointing to a 12 pack.
With a deep sigh, and a tear in his eye, the Dad replies, "Those are for married men Son . . . One for January, One for February, one for March . . . "
Police in South London recently found tan Ice-cream seller dead in his van, his hair was matted with rasperry ripple and chocolate sauce, hundreds and thousands an crushed nuts covered his body and a flake was stuck up his arse.
Police believe he topped himself.
Paper is dead. long live the computer
http://www.youtube.com/embed/V_gOZDWQj3Q?rel=0
Excellent.... Try preventing skidders with *that*! :eyebrows:
Marco.
A guy goes to his pharmacy and asks for a pack of Viagra.
"Do you have a prescription?" the pharmacist asks.
"No, but here's a picture of my wife," he replied.
A couple had separate bedrooms and their daughter alternated between them to share the room. In order to protect her from the finer aspects of adult life - you know.. sex - they invented a secret language. They decided to call it 'sending a letter'.
One day, the little girl went into her mother's bedroom and told her that Daddy had said that he needed to send a letter and was she available to type it?
The girl tool a message back to Daddy that said, "sorry love but the typewriter only has red ink at the moment"!!
A few days later though another message read "It's OK, the typewriter has been fixed and I can type that letter for you now - with pleasure"
The little girl, now feeling quite tired, returned to her mother and told her that daddy said "Thank you for the offer but as the letter was somewhat urgent, I wrote it by hand"
^^^
:lol:
The Moral of Auntie Brenda
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
To get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the class came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said,
Our family are farmers too but we raise chickens for the meat market.
One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is,
Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
‘That was a fine story Sarah.'
Michael, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Brenda
Aunty Brenda was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
‘Good heavens,’ said the horrified teacher, ‘what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?’
Stay away from Aunty Brenda when she's pissed.’
This is the tale of Francis Griswold, a young Welshman who was a squire to a knight in the English army in the wars against the French.
In those days, battles were fought on huge chargers that could just about carry the knight and all his armour. After another battle where neither side could win, young Griswold had an idea.
The next time the English rode out to do battle with the French, they were all riding Welsh pit ponies. The French laughed at them of course but the joke was on them as the ponies just rode under the big chargers, the knights tickled the big horse's tummies making them roll over giggling and trapping their riders. Glorious victory for the English.
Young Mr Griswold was given a whole cavalry to himself and knighted for his cleverness.
I won't bore you with the various processes that had each side riding smaller and smaller animals but eventually the English were down to dachshunds. Sadly, the French got tired of this whole process and just sat on the things. Complete rout and only one knight escaped.
Guess who?
The rain started to come down as he crept away from the terrible scene of his final defeat. Thunder, lightning, hail snow, you name it so he was a bit soggy as he crept away on his dachshund (which, by the way was a long haired animal and therefore looked a bit tatty too - more of which at the end) . Eventually, just as he was despairing of finding some cover, he saw a light in the distance and headed for it. It turned out to be a small cottage. He banged on the door and eventually it was opened by the master of the house who took one look at the rather damp Sir Griswold and told him to remove himself from the premises.
Just as poor Sir Francis was turning to go, an upstairs window opened and the wife of the household shouted down that they should take pity on the poor wretch because as she said to her husband………
………you can't leave a knight out on a dog like that!
I thank you.
PS. Why was the dachshund long haired?
I think this is the list of British Tits
Attachment 15208
The last one definitely represents the 'tits' of England more than Britain! ;)
Marco.
You missed out the penduline tit:
http://www.wellbeingofwomen.org.uk/d...2057%20(3).jpg
I rather like old Annie... She has good 'no nonsense', old-fashioned values, and a low tolerance threshold for sponging chavs!! ;)
Marco.
Good grief that was dreadful. Hopefully you can resurrect when I bite: I give up - why was the dachshund long haired?Quote:
Originally Posted by Gordon Steadman
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrei
:lol:
'cos it was a shaggy dog story!!
Sepp Blatter: Fifa chief says 'he is clean' amid corruption inquiry
Outgoing Fifa president Sepp Blatter has told the BBC he is "clean" and "there is no corruption in football" amid criminal investigations at world football's governing body.
;)
https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5797/...05426c89_z.jpgcoffin by Allen Wells, on Flickr
.
.
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."
:D
IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG:
PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.
YES, HE BIT TWO PEOPLE WEARING MAN CITY T-SHIRTS,
EIGHT PEOPLE WEARING UNITED T-SHIRTS,
16 PEOPLE WEARING WEST HAM T-SHIRTS,
TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH RAP MUSIC BLARING FROM THEIR VEHICLES,
FOUR JEVOVAH WITNESSES,
TWO MORMONS,
NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS,
THREE FLAG-BURNERS, AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.
https://mail.ntlworld.com/mail/u/0/?...16e9&zw&atsh=1
FOR THE LAST TIME. . .THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS
IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
A wife is looking for a special 50th birthday gift for her husband. So she is running out of time to get that special gift that is a little bit different. The day before his birthday she finally stumbles across a pet shop with a sign saying "For sale - BJ Frogs". so she goes inside to see what a BJ frog is. The man behind the counter asks if he can help. The woman asks 'what is a BJ frog?' The saleman says, 'it's a frog that gives BJ's on command. however I can't vouch for it, but it's the last one I have, I've already sold 49 of this first batch.'
So the woman thinks that it will be a good fun gift to give her husband so buys the last one.
The next day the woman presents the gift wrapped box to her husband. He opens it and asks what it is. She tells him the same story that the pet shop owner had told her. Thinking it would be no more than a witty story to tell their friends next time them come round.
so the day passed without a hitch, they went out for a meal and a few drinks. When they got home the wife was a little bit worse the wear with the drink. So the husband puts her to bed and tells her he will be back up in a minute once he watched the TV and fed the BJ Frog.
The wife slept like a log due to the drink. Next day she wakes up and the sun is shining. then she hears a lot of noise coming from the kitchen. Pot and pans crashing about etc. She gets dressed and goes downstairs. The place is a mess, pots, pans, cook books, pieces of burnt food, bits of undercooked food strewn all over the place. She is a wee bit annoyed at the noise and mess. She shouts at the husband (it's not his birthday now see!). 'What the f**K is going on here?'
the husband turns round and says:
'If I can teach this frog to cook....you're out of here!!!
Sorry if it's in here already. I got to page 7 but wanted to share one.
:scratch:
Yes , I'm with it now:)
The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3
hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,
they've lost the plot!!
:lol::lol:
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself
that guy's heading for a breakdown..
Did you know you can burn up to 150 calories in one vigorous session of masturbation.
Just wish they didn't keep kicking me out of the Weight Watchers meetings though..
A good shag is supposed to be the equivalent of a 5 mile run. Probably a myth, but that’s what I tell my girlfriend; who says she wants to loose weight.Quote:
Originally Posted by RichB
haha!
As they say: 'May all your ups and downs be between the sheets'! :eyebrows:
Marco.
My wife recommended I eat prunes to keep myself regular.
But I have a shit at 7am every morning, I told her.
Yes but most days you dont wake up until 9, she replied.
Prunes? ...no wonder you shit the bed :eek: I actually like prunes and custard. must remember to set an alarm for 6.46am though:eyebrows:
Superb !Quote:
Originally Posted by RichB
Paddy and Jim were neighbours but they were also both beekeepers. The only difference was that Paddy had a very poor crop of honey whilst Jim had a huge crop.
Paddy was grumbling to his wife about this and said "If you see Jim in the garden ask him what his secret is. He is more likely to tell you than me"
When Paddy's wife asked Jim he explained, "I get up at 6 o'clock every morning to make sure the beehive entrance is fully open and I give the hive a gentle shake to get them out and about. It's particularly important at this time of year because all the flower beds in the local park are in full bloom and they get there before Paddy's bees."
That evening Paddy's wife related the story to Paddy who immediately replied, "The man is a liar."
"Why" said his wife.
Paddy replied, "Because the park doesn't open until 9 o'clock.
Not only do i like listening to my hifi, bu tI also like playing guitar. So last week I started a new band. We are called 999 megabytes
still not one gig though
Magic Apples :lol::lol:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ub3C...ature=youtu.be
Must be a pic from NEBO. :-)
But it still made me smile
Many years ago, I married a widow, who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorisation.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Also, it appears that I am my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the answer to the following query: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefit?
Ha ha , scrambled my brains trying to keep up with that one
"I'm sorry Sir, we don't serve Time Traveller's in here".
.
.
.
.
.
.
A Time Traveller walks into a Bar...
Woman walks into a Bar and asks for a double entendre..
So the Barman gave her one.
I was down the gym this morning, when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.
Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.
Met a bloke in a pub at the weekend (near Richmond Park), he offered me eight legs of Venison for £50, do you think that was two deer ?
I used to go out with a girl who used to punch and bite me every time she had an orgasm.
I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.
Fella buys a packet of mixed flavour condoms. Raspberry, Banana, Strawberry etc. He says to his wife "lets play a game, I will put one on and you have to guess what flavour it is" She agrees. She goes under the blankets and says "Cheesy Quavers?" He says "for fecks sake give me a chance to put one on!"
Went to the hospital today to have mole removed from my penis.
RSPCA said i'd just get a warning this time!
A scientist today has invented a bra that stops boobs bouncing up and down and prevents nipples from sticking out in the cold.
His colleagues have kicked his head in.
Q - What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?
A - Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
Two flies on a turd,one farts,the other says "do you mind? i'm trying to eat"
Hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
There was also the dyslexic agnostic that didn't believe in dogs.
Or the dyslexic pimp that bought a warehouse and filled it with destitute's.
A serial killer has stabbed 6 people with knitting needles...
Police said in a statement last night.. He seems to be following some sort of pattern!
Our lass just whispered in my ear..
"Tonight I'm going to give you super sex",
I said, -- "I think i'll have the soup"
In the kitchen this morning I found my wife face down and not breathing,
I panicked, I didn't know what to do... Then I remembered,
McDonald's do breakfast till 10:30!
I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open...
She said 'It's my husband, Quick try the back door...
Thinking back afterwards I really should have legged it,
but you don't get an offer like that everyday!
I know its an old one but ---
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
Good job she is not using him as a spin clean machine :lol: