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A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane’
The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’
The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand’
‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’
The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied…… ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.
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Oh that's a good one. :lol:
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Three ducks walk into a bar and the bartender asks the first duck, “Hello, what’s your name, how are you, and what would you like to drink?”
The duck responds, “My name is, Quack, and I’ve had a wonderful day going in and out of puddles!”
So the bartender gives the first duck his drink and moves on to the second duck asking him the same question, “Hello, what’s your name, how are you, and what would you like to drink?”
The duck responds, “My name is, Quack Quack, and I’ve also had a wonderful day going in and out of puddles!”
The bartender gives the second duck his drink and moves on to the third duck saying, “Let me guess, your name is, Quack Quack Quack, and you’ve also had a wonderful day going in and out of puddles?”
The duck looks at him with a sad expression and says, “No my name is, Puddles, and I’ve had a fucking awful day!”
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Spotted on a local Facebook page - amazing what you can buy online these days!
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/202...d7c88681e8.jpg
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I'm sure it is possible to procure some much closer to home, but maybe not such a large quantity.
Reminds me of the apocryphal tale of how the group '10CC' got their name. :D
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An elderly man spots a stall offering helicopter rides for £50 at the village fête.
He turns to his wife and says, “I’m not getting any younger, and I’ve always wanted to go up in a helicopter.”
His wife snaps back, “Absolutely not! Fifty quid is fifty quid. You don’t need a helicopter ride.”
The following year, they’re back at the fête. He sees the helicopter again and asks once more. Same answer.
The year after that — same thing. And the year after that.
Eventually, he finds himself at the helicopter stall again and says to the pilot, “I don’t know if I’ll be around next year. I’ve always wanted to ride in a helicopter, but my wife won’t allow it because of the cost.”
The pilot says, “Tell you what — I’ll take you both up for free. But there’s one rule: if either of you says a single word, I charge you the fifty quid.”
The man excitedly tells his wife. After a moment’s thought, she agrees.
Up in the air, the pilot does every wild manoeuvre imaginable — dives, spins, drops — everything short of crashing. Not a peep from either of them.
When they land, the pilot turns to the man and says, “I’m amazed. I threw everything at you and you didn’t say a word.”
The man replies, “Yeah, I thought about saying something when Doris fell out, but 50 quid is 50 quid.”
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I remember my old dad saying "When one door closes another door opens". He was a great man, my dad. But a terrible joiner.
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Reminded me of this one:
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.
