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Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
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P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
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P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
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P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
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P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
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P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
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P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
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P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
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P: IFF inoperative on OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
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P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
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P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
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P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
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P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
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P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
***
And the best one for last:
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
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Michael Gove needed some good news on the Andrew Marr show. Someone said that some Turkish gowns were available and his eyes lit up with delight.
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Some complaints to the Council.
My bush is really overgrown round the front & my back passage has fungus growing in it.
It's the dog mess I find hard to swallow.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it back fired and burnt my knob of.
Their 18 yr old is continually banging his balls against my fence.
