Further variation on the above. Wife says "Say something nice about my legs". The husband thinks for a while and says "Blue goes with everything".Quote:
Originally Posted by Marco
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Further variation on the above. Wife says "Say something nice about my legs". The husband thinks for a while and says "Blue goes with everything".Quote:
Originally Posted by Marco
I've made 9,999 posts on The Art of Sound & most of it's been a load of old bollocks, so here's a bit more for my 10,000th post!
A three-year-old boy was sitting in the bath, examining his testicles - he turned to his Mother.
"Mum are these my brains?”
She replied “No son, not till you're a bit older”
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_KLaL96K9AD...-testicles.jpg
http://honewatson.files.wordpress.co...toon.jpg?w=510
Congratulations on your 10,000th post Chris. Your contribution to 'Jokes and Funnies' have always cheered me up and made me laugh!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.This is considered a major social breakthrough ... because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
http://i419.photobucket.com/albums/p...0935userLP.jpg
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonboy
So much for culture......
A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over a triple latte later the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Colisseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ."
And so on and so forth until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
I was at the swimming baths today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The life guard must have noticed. The twat blew his whistle so f'kin loud i nearly fell off the diving board!:lol:
Beryl.
Fixed your link for you Bob.
Here's how to do it
Reminds me of Jimmy Buffett, great country rock crossover with humourous lyrics...
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops....
Although, they do make me look a bit gay.
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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the circus, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
I was at the swimming baths today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The life guard must have noticed. The twat blew his whistle so f'kin loud I nearly fell off the diving board!
Can I play too?
I was at the swimming baths today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The life guard must have noticed. The twat blew his whistle so f'kin loud i nearly fell off the diving board!
Oops! :o
Hehehe. The gag was funny but that made me laugh out loud!
Thanks Chris, I shall try to remember in future......
The Godfather finds out that his accountant, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
The reason that Guido got the job is that he is completely and profoundly deaf. When he hired him, The Godfather thought that if Guido could hear nothing about the business activities of The Family he wouldn't be able to testify against them in court. When The Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing US$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather says to the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells The Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again - tell him this is his last chance - either he tells me, or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "This is your last chance Guido, my friend - he really will kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK, OK! Please don't kill me! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried in the flowerbed ten paces behind the shed at my cousin Antonio's house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "So what did the little worm say - where's my god-damned money?"
The lawyer replies, "He says that your mother is a whore, he's been having sex with your wife for the last five years, your children are junkies, your dog is a rabid mongrel & you don't have the balls to pull the trigger"
:lol: Love it!
When I die, I want to go like grandad did. In my sleep! .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...........Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My Thai girlfriend says that having a small penis shouldn't be a problem for our sex life. She may be right, but I'd still be happier if she didn't have one!
Bloke goes to the doctor and says 'Doc, one of my nuts is bigger than the other' Doc says ' Ok sir, let me take a look' bloke takes his pants down and flops a gigantic gonad out on the table, Doc says ' my gosh, that is big :stalks: !' bloke sighs and says 'wait til you see the other one !' :eek:
A real golden oldie.....
Some years ago, in a small community on Ireland's west coast, Paddy married a young woman half his age by the name of Maggie.
All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's' magazine and began to read things about sex.
It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..
To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.
However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from down in Cork to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "Anddat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"
My favourite old joke -
Beautiful woman walks into a music shop and says to the assistant -
"I'm looking for a Grand Piano!"
The assistant says -
"Sorry Madam, we are out of Grand Pianos, but I can show you an upright organ!" :eyebrows:
An Eskimo’s snowmobile breaks down while riding past a small town in Alaska. He takes it to the repair shop and is told to come back in an hour. When he comes back, the mechanic say "It looks like you have blown a seal" The Eskimo says ‘No, it’s just frost on my moustache’.
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
Brilliant Barry, brilliant! :lol:
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
An elderly man and woman, both in their 70s, walk into a sex therapist's office.
*
*
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
*
*
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
*
*
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.
*
*
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
*
*
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says good bye.
A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
*
*
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row.
*
*
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
*
*
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
*
*
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50 and I get £43 back from BUPA.'
*
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks: "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks: "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge? "Oy vey, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send the check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks. "Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"
Abe answers: "They'll find us!"
2 WOMEN - are having a coffee and catching up:
So, how was your evening last night?
A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. Nightmare, and you?
Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work.
He took me out for a very romantic dinner.
We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour.
We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late. It was wonderful.
2 MEN - meet at the pub...
So, how was your evening last night?
Incredible! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife, You?
A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf.
When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...!
The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f*cking candles to avoid knocking everything over.
I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish.
In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......total disaster.
I'm arranging a Benefit for people who have trouble achieving orgasm.
Please would you let me know if you can't come?
Evidence that the male of the species can sometimes benefit from having a little supervision from the female of the species.
http://www.fridayoffcuts.com/pix/joke030812.jpg
Taken by women by any chance Chris? :D
Prolly in the family album somewhere, with "Mum was right, I've married an idiot" written underneath. :D
Got to love the guy in the swimming pool.
I must confess I've done the plaster whisk in a drilll food blender one.:mental:
I've got a hedge that needs cutting too..............
Yes, also very good. :)'Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grand Wazoo
But the guy in the pool I'm pretty sure is naked apart from the cap. :D
A good collection. ;)
'Doctor, I think I'm going deaf'
'OK, what are the symptoms?'
'A cartoon family from America.'
A women sent her husband to buy the groceries with a list of items.
They lived a simple life and what the man was asked to buy didn’t vary much from day to day.
The wife, noticed that some days they had more money left after the husbands shopping than on others and asked her husband how this could be.
The husband told his wife he gives the shopkeeper the list along with his wallet and the shopkeeper gives him back his wallet and then the groceries.
The wife has a head fit and says at least she can count and weigh the groceries and she has a fool for a husband.
The wife takes over the shopping duties and sure enough the money they have left over each day is fairly constant.
When the shopkeeper sees the husband coming to the shop he knows he can take whatever he likes. When he sees the wife coming to the shop he puts his prices up.
Who would you send shopping?
he he he :eyebrows:
Presumably the Sun is behaving itself these Leveson days.... Or have they not yet run with "Massive police sweep for free Essex pussy called off" ?
If not, they should have! :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by bobbasrah
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.
'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'
'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.
'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?'
'You're with the GOVERNMENT..This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed.'
Maybe we did this one already but I can't be arsed to check...
The Grim Reaper came for me today. Fortunately I was able to beat him off with the only thing I had to hand - the vacuum cleaner!
Talk about Dyson with Death!
Boom - Tish - Thang you I'm here all week...
The two Homosexual Ghosts........
trying to put the willies up each other!
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."
The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean - the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?
Peter said, "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless tit?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that stuff about the rib?
Superb! :lol:
Marco.
ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX ?
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes .
Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
Sex with your Partner - Standard Life .
Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.
Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.
Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.
Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.
Sex with an OAP - Saga !
Sex with a transvestite - confused .com!