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A policeman, while driving home across the moors, saw this dodgy-looking man walking along the road with a shotgun and a holdall, and decided to 'have a word'.
"What's in the bag, son?"
"Oh just something for tea"
"Let's have a look. Shit, is that a Golden Eagle?"
"Yeah I know it's illegal, but these are hard times, and I do what I have to, to put food on the table".
"Be that as it may, you are under arrest".
On the way back to the station the copper says, "I've got to ask, what does Golden Eagle taste like?"
"Well, it's a bit like Swan".
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Just got a new aftershave which smells like lard, breadcrumbs and worms.
The birds bloody love it...
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It was January '82 during a week-long white-out that we decided to take the children and their ailing grandfather sledging. Because he suffered from cold, we rubbed lard all over him. He went downhill pretty fast after that.
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Thank you, Mike. The first since 2008 (I'm still shown on the first pages here; can't believe it !). I've a list of one-liners which I'll post here from time to time, including now.
My neighbour's dog only responds to commands in Spanish.
However, he is Espanol.
Qu. Which major London rail terminus was and is used by Billingsgate to transport lobsters, crabs, etc. to Balmoral, Sandringham and similar royal places?
Ans. Kings Crustacean
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:)
Good, sledging very good
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guy with 5 penises...His pants fit him like a glove.
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My wife doesn't think I can mend the electric shower. Well, she's in for a shock !
What happens if the universe explodes? No matter !
The man who invented the brolly in the nineteenth century initially called it the 'brella'. Unfortunately, however, he hesitated.
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Somewhere in Nashville Tennessee, a woman walked into a tattoo parlor and asked the artist if he could tattoo a picture of Elvis’s face on the inside of her thigh. He said, “Sure no problem, I promise it’ll look exactly like him!”. So, he gets in there and tattoos for a few hours. He claims he’s done and holds up a mirror. The woman is irate! “That doesn’t look anything like Elvis! You’ve ruined me!”, to which he replies, “it looks just like him! You just don’t want to pay!”. So they argue for a while, until he suggests, “I’ll do another Elvis’s face on your other thigh, and this time it’ll look exactly like him!”, so the woman agrees.
He worked for hours! And very proud of himself he hands her the mirror and she says, “ that is worse than the first one! You’ve ruined me for life! That doesn’t look anything like Elvis!”, and again he claims it does and she doesn’t want to pay! So, at a standstill, he suggests they get a third opinion, and what he says goes. So she agrees. The Tattoo artist looks outside and there is a wino hanging on a lamp post right out front. He says, “Hey Mister! Come here, I’ve got something I want you to see.”, so the man comes in. The artist tells him, “look at those tattoos and tell me who they look like.”. So the old drunk staggers over, and gets a really close look, going back and forth. And he proclaims, “I don’t know who those two guys on the ends are, but the one in the middle looks like Willy Nelson!”
Russell
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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
