This made me laugh!
https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-T..._bike_ride.gif
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This made me laugh!
https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-T..._bike_ride.gif
Please help me to understand what is funny here!
:o Must be just me then! :(Quote:
Originally Posted by Darren
It was quite funny, but it would've definitely been funnier had he, on the way over to the toy bike, slipped on the floor and fell on his arse!!
Marco,
Nope, IMHO Darren is right - he definitely needs help :lol: . It even raised a feint smile on my face ;) .Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex_UK
Dave.
Farmer Giles is in court accused of insurance fraud. The insurers say that he deliberately burnt down his barn in order to get the money for the building and everything in it, including a years hay crop and some expensive agricultural machinery.
He's being cross examined by the prosecution. They're asking how it came to be that the barn burnt down.
"Well, Sir it was obviously when I accidentally dropped one of the candles on the floor"
"But Mr Giles, why on earth would you be using candles in a wooden building that was filled to the rafters with highly flammable hay bales? I understand the building had a very expensive lighting system both inside and out that you installed only last year"
"Well Sir, yes that's true.........but........"
"So was there a power cut on that evening"
"Well no Sir you see, it was because..........."
"So why didn't you use a torch? Surely you have a torch?"
"Well, yes Sir I own several torches, but that wouldn't have been right for the job you see"
"Well if a torch wasn't bright enough why didn't you drive your Land Rover into the barn and shine the headlights?"
"Well Sir, that wouldn't have been right either. A torch and headlights would both be far too bright for what I needed"
"Too bright? What on earth do you mean by that? What was the light for?
"Well Sir, I needed the light for the ambience"
"Mr Giles, perhaps you would like to slowly and carefully explain to the court just exactly what you mean by that statement?"
"Well Sir, I was told that the ambience had to be perfect for the job. So I put some James Last music on the Land Rover tape player, I carried the dining room table into the barn, put a nice clean cloth over it. I scattered rose petals all over the place. I saw that in a film once - oooharrr - I thought that was quite a good touch. Then I built a big crackling, flickery fire in an old 40 gallon oil drum by the fertilising machine and I put a fur rug down in front of it. I made sure that there was no hay anywhere near it though, because I didn't want the whole place burning down. But then I lit the candles that I had spread all around the barn - for the ambience, you see"
"Mr Giles, this sounds like you are trying to tell the court that you were creating the scene for a seduction. But only a fool would believe that you might try to carry that out by going to all that trouble in a hay barn, of all places. So humour me and the court, Mr Giles. Please tell me what happened next. Is this when you brought the lucky lady on to the scene?"
"No Sir, that's just it - there was no lady. That was the problem in the first place.
What I did next was, I poured some nice wine into a glass and put it on the bonnet of my old Massey Ferguson with a bunch of red roses. I got in the cab and started the engine. It was the vibration of the engine that caused the candle to fall over"
"Mr Giles - this is preposterous. You surely can't expect us to believe that anyone - even someone as obviously stupid and unsophisticated as you would believe that this was the best way to seduce a lady."
"Like I said Sir, there was no lady involved - me and the missus have been having some trouble in the bedroom for quite some time - I just can't seem to make her interested. So I went to a shrink and he told me that I obviously had a lot of pent up frustration because of this & I should find a way to release it. I thought he was mad, but then he is a doctor & so he should know, so I thought I'd give his suggestion a go"
The prosecutor sees his chance to pour even more shame on the farmer and goes in for the kill:
"And what was the doctors suggestion Mr Giles - Please don't try to tell me that an experienced psychoanalyst told you that you should seduce one of your sheep!"
"No Sir, he said that I should do something romantic to a tractor"
Groan! But quite funny! ;)
My local butcher has started selling halfs of Venison, offering 4 half's for £200. Personally I thought it was two deer.
I'll get me coat!
Another groan, but did raise a titter. :)
I bumped into an old mate today, he said "what you upto these days?" I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down and outs" he said, "so you work in a charity drop in centre?" I said, "no, I'm a chef in a wetherspoons pub!"
I once knew a blind parachutist.
I asked him how he knew the ground was coming up.
He replied - The dogs lead go's slack...:)
I knew a guy nervous about making his first parachute jump.
He asked "what if the chute doesn't open?". I told him there was a back-up emergency chute.
"But what if that doesn't open?" he worried.
"Oh, that always opens" I reassured him.
"So why don't they make that the first one then?!"
I went to a dyslexic rave last weekend. I got completely mashed, took a load of F's.
=======================
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals? Still no fucking idea!
Wife say to man "should we stop off at the hotel yumca"
Man replies "that's the YMCA you dopey b----rd" :lol:
__________________________________________________ _________________
Man and women having a picnic in a field.
Women says "I think that bull is going to charge"
Man say "I f--king hope not, I've only got a £1":lol:
Natalie;)
Someone just threw a jar of Omega 3 tablets at me.
I wasn't hurt badly though, just a super-fish-oil injury
Friend of mine's had a penis extension, it's made his house look really stupid.
:lolsign:
For the hintellchoos:
http://mediacdn.snorgtees.com/media/...at_fullpic.jpg
Brilliant!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Straff
The things kids come out with:
http://static.happyplace.com/assets/...75803ceb14.jpg
This was on TV the other night so forgive me if you've heard it...
A Genie appears to a man and offers him one wish. The man pulls out a map of the midle east and spreads it out on the table in front of the Genie. 'This is the Middle East' says the man ' the most violent and troubled region of the planet. I wish that you make it one big happy land with no more problems.'
The Genie studies the map and shakes his head. 'Look at all these borders and countries. Different religions and tribes with blood feuds going back centuries. I may be Genie but I think this is beyond my power. Think of another wish instead.'
'Okay' says the man, 'That was a bit of an ask wasn't it? Tell you what then, I wish my wife would give me oral sex'
And the Genie says: ' Lets have another look at that map'...
Another friend of mine fell in the sea and drowned. I sent a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt to his funeral, it's what he would have wanted.
Why men shouldn't be Agony Aunts:
Dear Jim,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start
I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate!
Dear reader:
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps, Jim.
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked..
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh ."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain...
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
(With apologies to any members from the legal profession, or indeed if any of you are hookers!)
:lolsign::lolsign:
As Alex said, apologies to any lawyers.........but:
A burglar, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together. When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic." So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the burglar. "Although you have led a life of crime, it's not gone unnoticed that you had to steal as a result of extreme misfortune and social injustices, and that in all other ways, you have led a humble life. We know that you loved your family and helped out by doing volunteer work at the hospice. However, we can't ignore your sins, so I will have to make your question more difficult to answer. So, how many people died on that ship?"
"Oooh, that's a difficult one. But I saw that film about it, and I think it was 1,500." St. Peter smiles and the burglar walks through the gates & into Heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Right then, it's you is it? Go on then, name them for me....."
How do you kill a Circus?
Go for the Juggler
Thanks to my mum for this one:
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the county fair every year, and every year Bill would say,
"Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Blanche always replied,
"I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid,
And twenty quid is twenty quid! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
"Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
"Bill that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
"Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "
Bill replied,
"Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know,
Twenty quid is twenty quid! "
That one's gone down a treat at Minor Towers, Alex! :rfl:
Five Minute Management Course
Lesson 1 :
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 2 :
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'
Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked
him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength
to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
http://theartofsound.net/forum/cid:B...A-05FF4685FF7B
:lolsign:
How the Greek Bailout works.....
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.
The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village in his BMW, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner, he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs, in order to pick one room in which to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys, and as soon as the visitor has turned the stairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note, and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The head honcho at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich German will not suspect anything.
At that moment the German comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything - No one earned anything - However, the whole village is now out of debt, and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greek bailout package works.....
:lolsign::lolsign:
(Just heard this on 'this morning', it's only on in the background of course...)
The results are in at it would appear that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy
Hi, ho . . . :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by Roy S
Although the diversity of African tribes was known much earlier, it was only in the latter part of the 19th century that specifics of Kenyan tribes such as the Maasai and Fukawei warriors became better known and recorded.
On the move, the similar jumping style of running was an obvious similarity, but whereas the Maasai were tall and lithe, the Fukawei were comparative dwarves.
With the Maasai, the column of brightly coloured hunters carrying long spears and shields made for an impressive spectacle as they weaved through the short grasses and brush at speed, jumping and chanting to warn of their coming.
Their cousins were less impressive with the same technique in their native long grasses, rendered almost invisible except for the ends of spears and occasional bobbing heads, yet remained audibly intimidating, with group chants of “We're the Fukawei”
:lol:
A wife comes home late and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. She sees four legs instead of two under the duvet. She reaches for a baseball bat and hits the blanket as hard as she can.
Then, with a sense of pride and satisfaction, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi darling," he says.
"Your parents have come to visit, so I let them stay in our bedroom."
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment..
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q.. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka ...
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China ...
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ....
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ....
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan ...
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales.
or
2) Going to night clubs.
or
3) Spending it on prostitutes.
or
4) Buying beer or whiskey.
or
5) Get yourself a Tattoo
or
6) Visit a bookie.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
__________________
saw that on another forum.very funny.
Shame its almost true
Lol - it'd have been much funnier, though, if they'd featured a fatty chav-ette instead (perhaps simultaneously stuffing her face with a family-size bag of Doritos?), whilst sporting Primark's finest 'couture'... :eyebrows:
Marco.
Fancy a bit of variety in the bedroom?
Try the rodeo.
Adopt the doggy position,cup a breast in each hand,whisper in her ear"These feel just like your sisters".
If you can stay on for eight seconds or longer your doing well.:eyebrows:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... :lolsign: :rofl: :rofl:
Marco.
:lolsign:
:lolsign: very goodQuote:
Originally Posted by snuffbox
Ah but if its the female and she is on top, she could say that feels just like your brothers and may even get thrown round the room.Quote:
Originally Posted by snuffbox
Natalie;)
Tim this is bloody brilliant lolololololQuote:
Originally Posted by Tim
Natalie;)
Actually I was thinking what if there is no sister :) Then I stopped myself from thinking about the mother :rfl:Quote:
Originally Posted by Dominic Harper
Sorry Natalie, good job I'm free & single innit :D