Genuinely. Any advice for when your marriage goes tits up?

[kirstysdad]

After 18 yrs my wife has called time. I don't disagree with her- we've both been unhappy for too long. Kids are fine with it- I am not easy to live with nor have been the best father, so am not a victim in this. They love me, and I love them. My wife is not an ogre but neither of us are without fault.
Just want some pragmatic advice.

[struth]

Try to both keep it as friendly and equitable as possible, if possible.
Sad it's happened but maybe best long term if your both unhappy.
Living alone isn't end of the world by any means but it is different.

You both may end up liking each other more when separate

[kirstysdad]

Think you're right Grant. Been four weeks now, still living under the same roof, different rooms for a couple of years, so no drama. Thanks.

[donmarrese]

Try to both keep it as friendly and equitable as possible, if possible.
Sad it's happened but maybe best long term if your both unhappy.
Living alone isn't end of the world by any means but it is different.

You both may end up liking each other more when separateWise words, try minimise the use of legal eagles, or they'll eat you alive!

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[PeteT]

I can only suggest that you work things out together, starting with the things you agree most on...
...and always try and meet each other half way, except perhaps on some agreed issues that you are both willing to give way on.

I wish you both an amicable future...

Years ago an old friend of mine remarried his ex wife several years after their divorce.!
Not I suspect the most common story ending...

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[Pigmy Pony]

Agree with Grant, wise words. It's very sad, but life is too short to waste hoping things will get better. And as Don says, professional "help" best kept to a minimum. They're only in it to make money, your money.

Right now it feels like the end of the road, but really it could be the start of a new road. I wish you well, all of you.

[nonuffin]

I agree, there is no need whatsoever to get lawyers involved becuase they want you to squabble over houses, children and chattels, which of course raises the amount of money they suck out from you.

Divorce is only a matter of some form filling, a small fee and tabling any agreements you have made over chattels and kids.

[southall-1998_mk2]

I feel greatly glad to be forever single. The sheer freedom is heavenly bliss.

S.

[Alex_UK]

Well I’m currently on wife number two (no vacancy for number three just yet) and from experience, sage advice so far - try to keep everything civil, and fair, and try to stay friendly (if not friends) if you can.

Not sure about the US, but in the UK you don’t even need a lawyer to complete a divorce, but if you agree everything with each other it should just be a “rubber stamp” exercise and fees kept to a minimum.

I don’t know how old your children are, but they’re the most important ones to think about especially if they are still kids - they may say they are fine about it but I’d be paying extra attention to their feelings and reassuring them every step of the way. Luckily my divorce was before kids, so we only had the cat to worry about!

[Beobloke]

I feel greatly glad to be forever single. The sheer freedom is heavenly bliss.

S.

I feel greatly glad to have been married to a wonderful woman for 20 years.

Horses for courses…

[Pigmy Pony]

I feel greatly glad to have been married to a wonderful woman for 20 years.

Horses for courses…

Me too - though not the married bit, we've been happily living over t'brush for 18 years now. I'd be no good living on my own, but as you say, horses for courses. Both my brothers are single (one of them twice divorced) and are doing very nicely.

[guy]

Best wishes to all of you family Sandy. I have no personal experience of divorce, but it does seem to be best for all concerned to keep it amicable and avoid solicitors.

As was said earlier, keep an eye on your kids.

[kirstysdad]

Thanks for all replies folks, all very wise.
As a couple of you have said, the kids (teenagers) are really important in this and have to be a priority in any financial arrangement. We're managing to keep things civil between us so that's good, and both of us want to keep legal involvement to a bare minimum.
I know I'm going because I have started packing up the hifi! Very sad. And like a couple of you I have also been married before (but no kids from that) and perhaps ought to have known better, but there you go...
There's an advert for divorce lawyers at the bottom of the page... co-incidence?
Thanks again.

[Firebottle]

Sandy it sounds like you are on the right path.

My divorce 30 years ago was a right fuck up. Very acrimonious, my daughter is totally estranged and I've only had limited contact with my son.
Keep going and don't involve solicitors.

[kirstysdad]

Sandy it sounds like you are on the right path.

My divorce 30 years ago was a right fuck up. Very acrimonious, my daughter is totally estranged and I've only had limited contact with my son.
Keep going and don't involve solicitors.

I'm sorry to hear that Alan. Sounds shite. I hear a lot about kids being used as pawns and they end up as collateral damage. I am trying to have a successful separation even if the relationship has failed. You can only ever do your best, and if the other party is intent on fekking things up there's precious little you can do about it.

[Firebottle]

It wasn't quite that simple but history now.

No 2 was much better.

[hifinutt]

as FB has mentioned things can get very acrimonias sadly as partners come up with crazy demands for your pension etc etc . not easy to avoid legal help to avoid this
do hope you get things sorted .

[kirstysdad]

Absolutely hoping to avoid such shenanigans...

[kirstysdad]

Just a wee update, since all of you have been so supportive at the beginning of the year.
Moved into my own place, eventually, a few weeks ago. Things with my wife are actually pretty good, considering, and kids are OK. So glass half full!
Could be much worse, although we've not engaged in any legal or financial malarkey yet...
Thanks again for supportive comments.

[brian2957]

Good luck to you all Sandy.

[Mikeandvan]

Just 'sign and recline', as Jermemy from Peep show once said.

[Batty]

Amicable is good, my divorce ended up costing me 425 pounds.

[hifinutt]

wish you all the best sandy

[Filterlab]

I agree, there is no need whatsoever to get lawyers involved becuase they want you to squabble over houses, children and chattels, which of course raises the amount of money they suck out from you.

Divorce is only a matter of some form filling, a small fee and tabling any agreements you have made over chattels and kids.

Exactly this.

[Pigmy Pony]

Me and my wife are finally talking about divorce, after nearly 20 years apart. It will all be amicable, should be simple, and hopefully inexpensive.

We are currently having wills drawn up, where basically our house (where my wife lives) will go to our daughters. The house is divided into two, so if one of us has to go into residential care, the local authority can only get their hands on that half.

And all my other crap (motorbikes, hifi, records) goes to Mrs. P.

Simples!

[Firebottle]

The house is divided into two, so if one of us has to go into residential care, the local authority can only get their hands on that half.

We have changed our house ownership into Joint Tenants in Law. That way none of it is up for grabs fortunately.

[Pigmy Pony]

We have changed our house ownership into Joint Tenants in Law. That way none of it is up for grabs fortunately.

That sounds better, I wonder why the solicitor didn't recommend that? Maybe our circumstances differ in some way. I'm seeing him Monday, I'll ask him and hopefully understand his reply :doh:

[kirstysdad]

Things going well, I think.
Seeing kids regularly, go over weekly for a family meal, no hostilities.

[Pigmy Pony]

That's great Sandy, I'm pleased for you :)

[goraman]

Sandy,
Let things cool down, it sounds as though they are beginning to.
Make an effort to tell her what good things you miss about her. You have children with her , history , had to be some good times to talk about too.
Refrain from negative comments and look inward. Ask her to meet you for lunch , discuss the kids.
If you miss your family ,express it. This break could be just what both of you needed to appreciate what was good in the relationship and give your marriage the respect of putting your family first. Yep, put your wife and kids 1st. If she sees you doing this she will also look in word . You both took vows had kids , be honorable at all cost .
And just maybe your wife will reach out to you . But for sure your kids will respect you .

Be humble admit fault where it is warranted , leave each encounter by thanking her for the time spent with each other .
After 6 months then both of you should decide how to move forward but don't either of you rush to an abrupt decision.
So many people regret not putting any effort into saving their marriage because over time they began to take each other for granted.
A broken family is never the best out come.
It is also much cheaper to keep her, so don't let your pride or ego get in the way of fixing whats fixable.
I say pride and ego because that is man kinds biggest enemy, and it can be a unforeseeable down fall.
Most of all ,I wish you and your family Love and kindness to each other during these hard times.
Jeff

[kirstysdad]

Sandy,
Let things cool down, it sounds as though they are beginning to.
Make an effort to tell her what good things you miss about her. You have children with her , history , had to be some good times to talk about too.
Refrain from negative comments and look inward. Ask her to meet you for lunch , discuss the kids.
If you miss your family ,express it. This break could be just what both of you needed to appreciate what was good in the relationship and give your marriage the respect of putting your family first. Yep, put your wife and kids 1st. If she sees you doing this she will also look in word . You both took vows had kids , be honorable at all cost .
And just maybe your wife will reach out to you . But for sure your kids will respect you .

Be humble admit fault where it is warranted , leave each encounter by thanking her for the time spent with each other .
After 6 months then both of you should decide how to move forward but don't either of you rush to an abrupt decision.
So many people regret not putting any effort into saving their marriage because over time they began to take each other for granted.
A broken family is never the best out come.
It is also much cheaper to keep her, so don't let your pride or ego get in the way of fixing whats fixable.
I say pride and ego because that is man kinds biggest enemy, and it can be a unforeseeable down fall.
Most of all ,I wish you and your family Love and kindness to each other during these hard times.
Jeff

Jeff, I thank you from the heart.
Ego is toxic. Pride a sin.
Love is everything.
All these things I say despite being a Scottish male, steeped in Presbyterian guilt, but schooled in psychology and science.
I am a European. A product of The Enlightenment.
But if I said some of those things to her, she'd think something was weird, and that I'd been smoking weed with some floozie, so I will continue to do what English women understand- I will clean the gutters, help to pick up the kids and fix the car when it goes wrong.
PS My ex is half German so she appreciates the more practical overtures.
Big hug tae ye big man.