Recruitment agencies

[Effem]

Recruitment agencies are populated by twats.

Fact.

As you were . . . . . . . . . . .

[Alex_UK]

Unfortunately, their incentive is "bums on seats" which is never a good thing IMO, the very few that I have used that ARE good are those businesses which are still owned and run by whoever it was that started the company in the first place, in other words - small is beautiful - like so many other types of business, a small local one will give you a much better service than a multinational conglomerate - or maybe they are all just tw@ts? Sorry Frank, probably not much help other than to share some solidarity...

[The Vinyl Adventure]

Gok Wan is a bigger twat

[Alex_UK]

An anagram of Go Wank, I've just noticed! :D

[Spectral Morn]

I view them as being a bunch of bloody parasites.

I could say more but I think that is enough......



Regards D S D L

[Effem]

Been trying to find a job and it has been uphill all the way, with no results at all, not even a brief email to say "piss off" - at least that would be some form of communication :doh:

The few replies I do get are along the lines of "We have candidates that fit our profile more closely" which is complete bollocks because I read their job descriptions and candidate profile almost down to molecular level before I post off my CV to them.

So, I rewrote my entire CV very much as Jeremy Clarkson would write it.

Name, address, telephone number, email address, smoke signals code and jungle drums code at the top, because feck all else seems to work these days. Next, comes the Personal Statement which begins by saying if they are reading the CV in connection with a particular vacancy, then I CAN ACTUALLY DO THE JOB, OTHERWISE YOU WOULD NOT BE READING THIS. It aint rocket science.

During my career history, I have lost a few job because of company politics and power struggles (not to mention incompetence by others). Rather than obfuscate this as I have done in the past, I have boldly cited these instances, like when I was lined up to be MD of a company, the resultant backbiting meant the Technical Director prepared a coup and got the job instead. Within months he had completely screwed up the business and the owner sold it to a competitor quick before it was worthless, so I added the line at the end of that job detail "This guy screwed the company up, it had to be sold because of his arrogant stupidity and I bet he never put that into his CV. And so on, listing the real reasons why I left those jobs.

Under my leisure pursuits, I put I am writing a book called "Chopsticks" which is short for "It would be easier to teach a cat to eat it's dinner with chopsticks, than teaching managers how to manage", written retrospectively from my management consulting days, so it is entirely truthful and written from relevant experience. I listed each chapter heading, none of which flattered management prowess.

You get the drift by now it isn't an "ordinary" CV.

Applied for a few jobs this week and every one of the agencies has rung me. One was praising the novel approach and wanted the real CV, the rest have been offensive and patronising to say the least, simply being too ferkin stoopid to decode the message. Two of them have offered CV writing tuition for a large fee :steam: One of them said in 18 years of agency work he has never seen a CV like it and it has failed. I told the twat it had worked PERFECTLY because here he was ringing me immediately, whereas the other applications were ignored and he wouldn;t have pissed on me if I was on fire beforehand.

The moral of this story is this; to get noticed these days you HAVE to be outrageous. My CV is the equivalent of the Go Compare advert which drives millions demented each day and it is universally hated but never ignored.

Finally, I wouldn't mind if the best man have won that got these jobs and I didn't, but the shit-for-brains dipsticks I see some time later doing the job I applied for makes me weep, so despite their all their protestations employment agencies really are populated by TWATS!!!!!!! :steam::steam::steam::steam::steam::steam::steam:

[quadsugdenman]

Tell me about it. Today I have been approached by around 7 recruitement agencies for jobs I have little or no interest in!! They have got my name from Linkedin or other such networks. My fault (but not for much longer)
However what THEY were really interested in is:
1. As Alex correctly pointed out.The more cv's they send to or faces they put in front of the prospective employers, the higher their kudos and perceived success. Often this is irrespective of the candidates suitability for the positions. :mental:
2. That THEY decide who is put in front of prospective employers. Woe betide you if you cross them as you can go on 'blacklists' More often than not they haven't got a clue about the industries they arer recruiting for. Some are just young fresh faced graduates who have never even worked in the industry and have far, far too much power in deciding your possible employment fate. :doh:
3. The 20++% of your first annual salary they earn as fees these days from the employers. Why do employers not want to recruit their own rather than spending these exhorbitant sums of money on these agencies!!!?? :steam:

Parasites is a polite description!!!:guns:

[The Grand Wazoo]

Re the companies that do carry out their own recruitment..........

A while back now I found myself applying for jobs that I wouldn't have been seen dead doing just a few short years previously & one of many things that I soon noticed was that since the industry (& that is what it is now) reinvented itself as 'Human Resources' from 'The Personnel Dept', they cannot consider anyone who does not exactly fit the profile that they (think they) seek. The fact is that nine times out of ten, that ideal candidate does not exist and anyone who claims to be is a bloody liar. There is no acceptance that educated, intelligent people still have a capacity to learn and in fact, many of us relish the opportunity to have that capacity exploited and will thrive upon it. Unfortunately, it's now the bloody liars who are getting the jobs over those who are, in fact, best suited to any given role.

[Spectral Morn]

Re the companies that do carry out their own recruitment..........

A while back now I found myself applying for jobs that I wouldn't have been seen dead doing just a few short years previously & one of many things that I soon noticed was that since the industry (& that is what it is now) reinvented itself as 'Human Resources' from 'The Personnel Dept', they cannot consider anyone who does not exactly fit the profile that they (think they) seek. The fact is that nine times out of ten, that ideal candidate does not exist and anyone who claims to be is a bloody liar. There is no acceptance that educated, intelligent people still have a capacity to learn and in fact, many of us relish the opportunity to have that capacity exploited and will thrive upon it. Unfortunately, it's now the bloody liars who are getting the jobs over those who are, in fact, best suited to any given role.

This would be my experience as well.....


Regards D S D L

[The Grand Wazoo]

..................the black suited, narrow lensed glasses and pubic chin fuzz wearing, box-ticking, pretentious phrase of the week spouting, target chasing, formulaic, never done a proper days work in their lives, judgemental tossers.

...........but I'm sure they're very nice really!

[Macca]

Re the companies that do carry out their own recruitment..........

A while back now I found myself applying for jobs that I wouldn't have been seen dead doing just a few short years previously & one of many things that I soon noticed was that since the industry (& that is what it is now) reinvented itself as 'Human Resources' from 'The Personnel Dept',role.

I've worked in business for twenty years this year. When I started, the 'Personnel Department' comprised one person - part time. Recently I worked for a similar sized company that has an HR department of ten people.
Five of whom had 'Manager' or 'Supervisor' in their job title.

.. And oh yeah, guess how they recruit?...yep, through agencies...

[The Grand Wazoo]

.. And oh yeah, guess how they recruit?...yep, through agencies...

Oh yes! The beast feeds the monster

[Macca]

Health and Safety - every 12 months you have to take 30 minutes out to watch the same DVD:

Man trips over box.
Man falls off ladder.
Man trips over open desk drawer.
etc.

Now if ithe performances had the quality acting, timing and superb production values of, say, The Three Stooges, then I would be all for such a pointless waste of business time. Actually, now I'm thinking about it - why don't they just show us a 'Three Stooges' video? - A different episode each year!

I'm going to suggest that to H&S at work...:)

[Alex_UK]

safety, shmafety... they should quit worrying! What is life without a little risk? :rolleyes:

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_kDyMtZ_dJwQ/SeroQ0jmIII/AAAAAAAAA0M/Pl1RoVDjhr8/s1600/health_and_safety.jpg

[Alex_UK]

http://www.vetnurse.co.uk/resized-image.ashx/__size/550x0/__key/CommunityServer.Discussions.Components.Files/13/2313.health-and-safety-funny-pic_2100_.jpg

[Macca]

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac233/Macca_photos_2009/road-sign-1-2.jpg

[quadsugdenman]

safety, shmafety... they should quit worrying! What is life without a little risk? :rolleyes:

I reckon about 30 seconds if that power block takes a bath!!! :mental:

[Alex_UK]

Indeed Garry. I'm sure it is a fake, just a bit of fun... Well I hope so! :stalks:

[Joe]

All this Human Resources 'our staff are our greatest asset (apart from our photocopiers, of course)' malarkey was summed up forever by the mighty HMHB in their song 'ITMA':

So I’m lost in the fog
But I feel like a hundred thousand pounds
Cause I ain’t got a job
Talking audio visual multimedia
Market forces in the workplace
Business management desktop consultancy
IBM ITA
It’s the Chief Executive, fresh from Reykjavik
Motivation relocation
Target achievement supervisory
Maximising your potential
Audit sales team interpersonal
Client data validation
Type fast accurate service customer
Human Resources
Finance development keyboard millennium
Full-time negotiator
5.1 WordPerfect applicant
Continued expansion
Systems purchase challenging environment
Candidate enthusiastic
Thriving driving flexible initiative
Enterprising innovation
Hands-on profile, hands off Angela
Temporary secretary
Drunk on Ferris Wheel McCartney Hogmanay
Organising and recruiting
Spreadsheets costing variance analysis
Field support communication
Direct powerful retail growth
You stick your input in, your output out
Co-ordinate your strategy and shake it all about
And oh oh-oh-oh, here’s the bottom line
I’ll not be taken on board at this present moment in time

[Techno Commander]

safety, shmafety... they should quit worrying! What is life without a little risk? :rolleyes:

http://www.taproot.com/blog/forkliftsafety.jpg

[Effem]

The trouble with recruitment agencies and HR people is, that they are given a specific person brief which they must fulfill to the letter, generally written by a complete idiot who has no idea what the job entails, nor do they want someone who is smarter than they are.

If the candidate profile says "Acting deputy assistant designate elect, with qualifications for Hackney Carriage Lamp Wick Fitting and first hand experience of inseminating Great White Sharks" then that's exactly who they put forward for the job. Just one word out and that candidate is rejected, particularly so for recruitment agencies because that's how they get paid. As I understand it, most of the big agencies scan each CV electronically to see if those magic keywords are there and if not, they get binned immediately.

I also note a profound increase in weird and obscure qualifications and certificates needed as a prerequisite for applying for jobs. A house brick can qualify for most of them and even if they are a bit tougher to acquire, it doesn't necessarily mean they are the perfect candidate for the job either.

[Techno Commander]

I have been job hunting for a while and although a few agencies ahve phoned and offered interviews, none have been successful thus far.

However, on Friday, I was contacted and offered an interview for a "dream job" and unfortunately, I had to turn it down.:(

As much as I would have liked to taken the job. I feel that having a "live in" position operating audio visual equipment at a girls boarding college would likely lead to far too much temptation.:eek: :eyebrows: :stalks: Dont think the missus would approve too much either.