Dads.

[stairpost]

I'm 48 years old, I spent 45 years of my life thinking that my Dad was an invincible hero that could sort out anything that troubled me, I then spent 3 years pretending not to notice that at nearly 80 he was becoming an old man, and that he looked like the sort of pensioner kindhearted strangers would help across the road, or ask if he was OK when out shopping by himself. Now I'm about to lose him I see him as someone I wish knew better, or wish I had the the courage to tell him I love him.

What is it about Dads that make them much more than the word parent could ever do justice to?

Rich.

[Stryder5]

Wonderful sentiments, very moving.

[struth]

I'm 48 years old, I spent 45 years of my life thinking that my Dad was an invincible hero that could sort out anything that troubled me, I then spent 3 years pretending not to notice that at nearly 80 he was becoming an old man, and that he looked like the sort of pensioner kindhearted strangers would help across the road, or ask if he was OK when out shopping by himself. Now I'm about to lose him I see him as someone I wish knew better, or wish I had the the courage to tell him I love him.

What is it about Dads that make them much more than the word parent could ever do justice to?

Rich.

Just tell him Rich. No matter the reaction you will feel better :) its not too late

[CageyH]

My Dad is of a similar age.
As he lives in a different country, I treat every time I see or speak to him as being potentially the last.
He knows how I feel about him, which is important to me.

Tell him before it is too late. You will both feel better for it.

[gninnam]

My dad had Alzheimer's for the last 8 years and passed away January this year so even though I told him what he meant to me, I know it never registered so make sure you air your feelings while he can still understand!
Goes for both of your parents to be honest.

[montesquieu]

My dad is 80 shortly, bit of a party planned over Christmas.

I took him on a trip to Egypt for his 65th - just me and him away for 8 days doing the pyramids, the Cairo Museum, Valley of the kings, a boat trip, Luxor - and to Malaysia and Singapore (where he served 2 years as an RAF regular in the late 50s) for his 75th - we found his old base which is a Royal Malaysian Air Force museum now.

This was really precious time, it's fair to say I got to know him more then than had at any point before. I got to say everything I wanted to - and I think he did too, in his own way - and our relationship has been solid and relaxed ever sense.

I feel very lucky to have been able to do this. I live 400 miles away and when I call (which is every other day), if he is the one who pics up, he hands the phone to my mum like he's always done (he doesn't like speaking on the phone much). But I know we are OK. It's a good feeling.

[Macca]

Your dad knows you love him, no need to say it. That's very American. For me, in a way, saying it actually somehow lessens the whole thing. It's much more than can be conveyed in words so why try?

My father's last words to me were 'I've never felt better in my life.' He was dead a month later. The irony of that still makes me smile; he'd have found it funny, too.

[WESTLOWER]

I lost my Dad when I was 17 years old, he was only 46 years old. We got the classic the knock at the door from 2 police officers.
I never got the chance to know him 'properly', I only knew him as my ol' man and not as a real person (i guess you do that later in life as a son)

Rich, tell your old man you love him, of course he knows it already but it's great for your soul too.

I wish i had just one more minute with mine, i had so much to say. Then he was gone.

[Bigman80]

I told my dad he was my Hero. It's the only time he and I ever really showed any affection that I could remember. It was different when I was a kid but my teenage years were.......feisty

We fought and I dreaded seeing him when I was a teenager. He was a good man but we clashed. Terribly.

We worked together doing renovation work at weekends and we would do 200 miles hardly muttering a word to each other BUT we'd both be singing along to the same songs on the stereo in the car. He had a great voice and I mean he could really sing. His love of music rubbed off and I love it too. He played the guitar out of tune and was terrible but he took great pleasure teasing me that I only learned how to play because of how bad he was.

It took the news that he didn't have long to live before we both just clicked. We spent every Saturday night that he had left watching Match of the day as a rule! And drank more whiskey than I'll ever drink again.

He died nine years ago almost to the day (20th) at 56yo. I was 28.

He never saw me get married, hasn't met my boys, never been in my house and never will, which is the saddest thing. Before he died I was a twat. Lived fast and loose, when he died I grew up, mostly.

I wish he'd seen it.

Say whatever you need to say. The last year I had with my old man was the best year we had for a very long time.

Americanised or not. It doesn't hurt to tell someone you love them.

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[Firebottle]

Great post Oliver.

[Bigman80]

Great post Oliver.Thanks Al. Hard to write.

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[stairpost]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences, it is appreciated.

The struggle I have with telling him I love him is that I can't honestly say I know why I think I should do it. Am I doing it for me or for him? Am I doing it just because I think I should?

Dad and I know we share a love, but the fact that he has never said I love you to me makes me believe it isn't something that needs saying, or something that he is comfortable saying. If I want to say it just for me then I can live without saying it. Would it be selfish of me to say it just because I want to when it may not be a conversation he wants. He is not a man that shares feelings, he is a hard man that is a product of a hard life.

[CageyH]

You don’t have to say the words “I love you”.
You can tell him that you appreciate all that he has done for you in the past etc.
He will understand, and it may mean more to him like that.

It is totally up to you. Each relationship is different.

[Bigman80]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences, it is appreciated.

The struggle I have with telling him I love him is that I can't honestly say I know why I think I should do it. Am I doing it for me or for him? Am I doing it just because I think I should?

Dad and I know we share a love, but the fact that he has never said I love you to me makes me believe it isn't something that needs saying, or something that he is comfortable saying. If I want to say it just for me then I can live without saying it. Would it be selfish of me to say it just because I want to when it may not be a conversation he wants. He is not a man that shares feelings, he is a hard man that is a product of a hard life.Truth is, there isn't anything wrong in being selfish. Why hold it in until it's too late and second guess yourself after?

Say it, feel a bit embarrassed if it's awkward but you'll never wonder if you should have said it. No harm in telling him even if he calls you soft [emoji23]

Don't say it, wonder whether you should have forever.

No choice for me.

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[stairpost]

I think I'm going to write him a letter, I can say everything I want him to hear and he can read it on his own and say whatever he wants to me once read.

[stairpost]

My dad is 80 shortly, bit of a party planned over Christmas.

I took him on a trip to Egypt for his 65th - just me and him away for 8 days doing the pyramids, the Cairo Museum, Valley of the kings, a boat trip, Luxor - and to Malaysia and Singapore (where he served 2 years as an RAF regular in the late 50s) for his 75th - we found his old base which is a Royal Malaysian Air Force museum now.

This was really precious time, it's fair to say I got to know him more then than had at any point before. I got to say everything I wanted to - and I think he did too, in his own way - and our relationship has been solid and relaxed ever sense.

I feel very lucky to have been able to do this. I live 400 miles away and when I call (which is every other day), if he is the one who pics up, he hands the phone to my mum like he's always done (he doesn't like speaking on the phone much). But I know we are OK. It's a good feeling.

My Dad was in Malaysia too, with the Royal Lincolnshire Regiment, The Poachers. He was also in Egypt for a while, I remember him telling me about being in a gun emplacement on top of a building at an airport in Egypt. I've got his cap badges, he has a medal for bravery too which was lost when his mother died. I'm hoping it turns up one day.

[struth]

My dad was in those climes during the war. 6 years in n africa and middle east. He went back in early 70's just a few years before he died to revisit on a cruise with mum this time instead of the raf. He enjoyed it but mother did more i think.
I was 20 when he died alas so didnt really get to know him well as an adult. Many things you wish you could say or do that are now out of reach.
Reminds me of the saying ...dont put off to tomorrow what you can do today.

[Bigman80]

My Dad was in Malaysia too, with the Royal Lincolnshire Regiment, The Poachers. He was also in Egypt for a while, I remember him telling me about being in a gun emplacement on top of a building at an airport in Egypt. I've got his cap badges, he has a medal for bravery too which was lost when his mother died. I'm hoping it turns up one day.These things do turn up.

True story:

When I was a boy my dad showed me his Gold pocket watch which was awarded to my Great Grandad for saving his Squadron in WWI. "When I'm brown bread, this will be yours" he said.

Fast forward to his last year and I was soon to be given the watch. There was a concern that my brother didn't have a family heirloom (of similar importance) and my dad recounted a story of another Gold pocket watch awarded to my great granddad for serving 40 years on the LNR railway. This watch was lost when his aunties moved to the Isle of white.

A few days later, my cousin called to inform me of a watch on eBay with a "W.Lockley" signature on a certificate of award (my Great grandfather name). When I looked at it, it was his signature, which we have copies. I looked where the watch was located and it was in the Isle of White!

Turns out the seller found it when he cleared my great aunties house years before and kept it to sell after the family had been through the belongings. I bought it and it checked out as legit.

It's strange how things work out.

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[mad-moon]

My old man died at 47 of a massive heart attack...I watched him die. I was only 16 years old..He was a task master, very strict and very hard..I hated him with a passion at that time, but wish he was still here now..Love is an exceptionally strange thing...like I say, wish he was here now...so I could tell him I loved him...too late was the cry...

[struth]

My old man died at 47 of a massive heart attack...I watched him die. I was only 16 years old..He was a task master, very strict and very hard..I hated him with a passion at that time, but wish he was still here now..Love is an exceptionally strange thing...like I say, wish he was here now...so I could tell him I loved him...too late was the cry...

that is hard at any time, far less at that tender age.

[stairpost]

My dad was in those climes during the war. 6 years in n africa and middle east. He went back in early 70's just a few years before he died to revisit on a cruise with mum this time instead of the raf. He enjoyed it but mother did more i think.
I was 20 when he died alas so didnt really get to know him well as an adult. Many things you wish you could say or do that are now out of reach.
Reminds me of the saying ...dont put off to tomorrow what you can do today.

It must be a very strange experience to holiday somewhere you once prepared to fight.

[karma67]

I'm 48 years old, I spent 45 years of my life thinking that my Dad was an invincible hero that could sort out anything that troubled me, I then spent 3 years pretending not to notice that at nearly 80 he was becoming an old man, and that he looked like the sort of pensioner kindhearted strangers would help across the road, or ask if he was OK when out shopping by himself. Now I'm about to lose him I see him as someone I wish knew better, or wish I had the the courage to tell him I love him.

What is it about Dads that make them much more than the word parent could ever do justice to?

Rich.

that is something i think about since my dad passed away nearly 5yrs ago,i still think about him almost daily.

[Puffin]

Some really moving stuff on this thread and written from the heart. I never had a relationship with my dad as he distanced himself from myself and my sister. It was quite a revelation when Chas & Dave brought out Gertcha Cowson as I had never heard anyone use it apart from dad who used it to me regularly. I realise now, having suffered from depression for many years that he suffered the same, but was probably too proud to admit it. However I think that my mum must have known and did nothing to get him the help he needed. It was probably a case of "Oooh what would the neighbours/family think".....errr well if you didn't tell them they wouldn't know! Sadly he was joyless man who worked in occupations where he was alone, presumably shunning company and was no way a family man. If he wasn't at work, he was asleep or angry.

[struth]

It must be a very strange experience to holiday somewhere you once prepared to fight.

Was more mum wanting to go I think. He loved Israel when he was there. Well where it is now and Palestine etc. Most of the fighting was in Egypt and he stayed on boat there. Lol

[Minstrel SE]

Its a moving subject and one that pains me. I really envy all of you that have a warm friendly and loving relationship with your Dad. I dont think I could tell him that I love him because we have an awkward relationship and I would rather he just passed the phone to mum. If I spoke to dad it would be like having a business conversation with someone I hardly knew.

I really couldnt tell him I love you because I can see the words floating off into space :) Awkward is a massive understatement there.

He looks like a modern man but he is very old fashioned in attitude. I always feel I have let him down and I just feel I am living the Python sketch about the resentment the father has for the fancy new ways of the son. There is some known complex between father and son and my family is a textbook example.

I worked for him once and realised he was treating me worse than any estranged boss. We visited factory printing environments and some machine operator tried to make trouble for me by making up serious lies. He took her side and I have never forgiven him for that. ( he didnt even take me to one side and call it a face saving operation) I realised I didnt really know him and that saddened me further. I like to think he was moulding me but he really wasnt

He never lightens up and talks about football or something. He never lets his guard down, pours the drink and says why worry. Its like being sat in a room with a sargeant major on duty. I used some casual language and he said I didnt bring you up to speak like that. I always feel I have to be on my guard with him. I sometimes wonder whether he should have had kids and thats a very sad thought

So although I will miss him when hes gone I wonder why I will really miss him. I wont miss him in the way I miss John Peel or any man that I feel I could have a closer meaningful relationship with. Sad but that seems to be life in the way its gone for me.

He can be very nice and extremely helpful with a soldering project. He will always take full control though and make me feel like a little boy tugging at the bottom of his trousers. He has never hit me but there is something deep missing which has really affected our relationship

[Marco]

A very touching thread this, started by Rich. I'm glad that others and him here have shared their feelings and related their stories accordingly about their dads. I think you should always tell your dad (and mum) that you love them, regardless of whether they 'know' or not, as quite simply it's nice to hear and provides comfort, and so such sentiments will be welcomed by any loving parent.

There often seems to be something in the British male psyche ('stiff upper lip' or whatever) that makes it hard to show emotion, as if doing so is a sign of weakness, when quite the opposite is true, and which coming from an Italian background, where showing your feelings/being emotional is normal and natural, I find hard to understand. As a family, we've always been very 'touchy feely', and hug each other all the time when we meet, which I do with my dad, and did my mum when she was alive.

I've always had a very warm, close and loving relationship with my parents and simply couldn't imagine (nor I suspect cope) with anything different, which is why the likes of this, from Rob, is both alien to me and so saddening:


Sadly he was joyless man who worked in occupations where he was alone, presumably shunning company and was no way a family man. If he wasn't at work, he was asleep or angry.

I'm so sorry to hear that, Rob. I'm sure that your dad did love you, but perhaps struggled to express his feelings and, like many people, perhaps was the type who wrapped himself up in his work, to the detriment of all else?

Also, the fact is, parenting is a skill, as much as anything else, and so some people are better at it than others, which of course is reflected in the results they achieve in that respect, as judged by their children. Therefore, perhaps your dad wasn't the best 'textbook parent', but he almost certainly would have cared.

Rich, what you need to do is spend as much time with your dad while you can, tell him how you feel and say everything you need to say while you can, and in the process make some nice memories of your final times together, which you'll be able to treasure forever, and that will provide you with comfort when he's gone - and the same applies to everyone else here who still has a dad or mum.

Try and visit them as often as you can, and spend some time with them, telling them that you love them (not just taking it for granted that they'll know), making some nice memories in the process, and don't have any regrets. Because one day sooner than you might think, that opportunity will be gone, and you'll never have another mum or dad to do it with.

Therefore, if you've not seen or spoken with your parents for some time, for whatever reason, why not make this Christmas the time when you make the effort to visit them? There's a very good chance it might be the best Christmas present, both them and you will ever have had.

Marco.

[rigger67]

My dad died when I was 7 so I never knew him that well.

I support Leeds United despite being born in Southampton because he was from Leeds and it was a way of keeping him alive, I suppose.
It used to really get on my wick when people assumed my parents had divorced when I used the term "step-dad" after my mum remarried.

Whether you have a strong relationship with a loving father or a strained one with a cold tyrant, just be grateful he's still around.

I'm 50 and that's the age of my dad when he died from thrombosis in 1974.
I have five more weeks until I'm 51 and I really will breathe a sigh of relief because this year has spooked me a bit ..


Great thread, by the way.


For what it's worth, I would tell everyone what you think of them and do it all the time.
I do, every day.
I cut people out of my life if they're negative, poisonous types - including family - and I embrace and cherish the positive, joyful individuals, family or friends.

Life really is too short for BS.

Don't go to that party if you don't want to.
Don't attend the dinner you're dreading.
Don't do anything you can't face doing.
Why the chuff should you ??
You're a grown-up.
You're not a child being told to eat your greens.

If other people don't like it, that's their lookout.

Enjoy life.
Tell the postman you love him next time he brings you some shiny new gadget :)

[WESTLOWER]

I'm 50 and that's the age of my dad when he died from thrombosis in 1974.
I have five more weeks until I'm 51 and I really will breathe a sigh of relief because this year has spooked me a bit ..

Paul..God, I thought I was the only one!, I was shitting myself up to my 47th birthday, my dad passed at 46 years old..
i celebrated and spunked all my dosh on HiFi!

[walpurgis]

Similar thoughts crossed my mind in my 54th year. That was the old man's age when he died.

I won't discuss him. He did me a favour by going. If he'd still been around by the time I was big enough, I'd have decked him.

[stairpost]

My sincere thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts and feelings on this thread, it has been comforting and supportive. I haven't been emotionally able to reply to everything I read but every word was appreciated.

Dad has cancer in most of his major organs and emphysema, they are letting him come home tomorrow so he can spend christmas with mum and the family, he is coming home with half the hospital by the look of it, but as it is helping him to live pain free and keeping his breathing less laboured we are happy. It looks like his last christmas won't be as bad as first feared, as he is in good spirits and has his wicked sense of humour back. I'm betting that under the circumstances we'll be sharing a glass of scotch or two as well.

In a twisted sort of way, how the last 4 weeks have unfolded has been a blessing, we know we are going to lose him and it's going to hurt like hell, but we have been given the chance to prepare for it as much as is emotionally possible, it sinks in a bit more everyday, and we do get to have dad in much better spirits and suffering much less than he has been for a long time. There is no way to lose someone you care about that doesn't fill you with pain, but being given a chance to take a breath of comfort before being submerged in grief has been a gift.

[struth]

I sincerely hope he and you all enjoy xmas.

[Bigman80]

My sincere thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts and feelings on this thread, it has been comforting and supportive. I haven't been emotionally able to reply to everything I read but every word was appreciated.

Dad has cancer in most of his major organs and emphysema, they are letting him come home tomorrow so he can spend christmas with mum and the family, he is coming home with half the hospital by the look of it, but as it is helping him to live pain free and keeping his breathing less laboured we are happy. It looks like his last christmas won't be as bad as first feared, as he is in good spirits and has his wicked sense of humour back. I'm betting that under the circumstances we'll be sharing a glass of scotch or two as well.

In a twisted sort of way, how the last 4 weeks have unfolded has been a blessing, we know we are going to lose him and it's going to hurt like hell, but we have been given the chance to prepare for it as much as is emotionally possible, it sinks in a bit more everyday, and we do get to have dad in much better spirits and suffering much less than he has been for a long time. There is no way to lose someone you care about that doesn't fill you with pain, but being given a chance to take a breath of comfort before being submerged in grief has been a gift.The only kindness is knowing the time you have with him is so important. Have a great Christmas [emoji319][emoji318]

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[dave2010]

This is a difficult thread to reply to. I suspect that most dads are OK - even if they do seem awkward sometimes - and they will appreciate discussion and expressions of emotional support and involvement etc. However generalities don't always work - and I know of and have heard of some "difficult" cases where there is perhaps nothing which can reasonably, or even with extreme efforts, be done to make "contact". Hopefully thse are rare, but they do happen.

Where there are difficulties they could possibly lead to feelings of guilt on the part of other relatives, though they may eventually have to let these go.

Keep trying and hope for a breakthrough. Good luck, and I hope you have a Happy Christmas.