View Full Version : Families, Who Would Have Them !!
Ninanina
09-01-2016, 22:25
After a very upsetting time with my small family, which only consists of mum, dad, sister and niece I have come to the conclusion that it may be in my interest to disown the lot of them... :(
I know this should probably not be aired on a hifi forum but it is very raw to me at the moment..
Has anyone on here had any experience of kinda disowning their 'family' ?
At the moment they are just giving me more grief and heartache than I can deal with so for the time being I think it best to keep my distance..:(
narabdela
09-01-2016, 22:32
Join the club. :(
British high fidelity
09-01-2016, 22:35
Sorry to hear your going through this, in all honesty I think none of us can comment as we don't know your situation, all I can say is there no way the problems can be resolved amicably?
Last resort move to a foreign country, I did lol, it's amazing how living far away stops all the troubles, good luck and hope your issues get resolved
Dino
Ninanina
09-01-2016, 22:41
Join the club. :(
It's a nightmare isn't it ? like they say you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family...
Ninanina
09-01-2016, 22:44
Sorry to hear your going through this, in all honesty I think none of us can comment as we don't know your situation, all I can say is there no way the problems can be resolved amicably?
Last resort move to a foreign country, I did lol, it's amazing how living far away stops all the troubles, good luck and hope your issues get resolved
Dino
I already live 3 hours away from all the family and you'd think this would stop all the c**p wouldn't you? but oh no they are still affecting me big time...
I think they need to be told some 'home truths' that have been pent-up for years.... maybe clear the air !
southall-1998
09-01-2016, 22:51
I get on fine with both my mother & father. We share many interests and have good laughs together. But still, parents can sometimes be a royal pain.
There are some aunts & cousins. In my family that gets on my flaming nerves.
When my parents are gone. I want to be left alone, and live my life the way I want it to be.
S.
Spectral Morn
09-01-2016, 23:56
yep got the T shirt :(
Ninanina
10-01-2016, 00:03
I've just spent a little while compiling a letter to 'clear the air'. I don't know if I will actually send it but it did at least focus my mind a bit :(
I think some of the trouble is that I did not 'produce' grand children
Audio Al
10-01-2016, 03:08
I think some of the trouble is that I did not 'produce' grand children
If you need assistance :)
Ninanina
10-01-2016, 03:44
I think some of the trouble is that I did not 'produce' grand children
If you need assistance :)
:rfl::rfl: :eek:
British high fidelity
10-01-2016, 03:50
I live in Malaysia and 13 hrs flight time and cost of calling a mobile phone from the UK to Malaysia deters most BS lol
Don't do anything drastic Bev, never good to act whilst upset.
Let the dust settle if you can, have think about it and what you want to do.
Talk it over with family if you can, let them know it bothers you.
If you don't get a good response, then onto plan B.
Main thing IMO is to decide if it's passing thing or something that can't be allowed to happen again.
Dont let the stress live inside your head, don't carry it around.
Always better to deal with it head on if you can.
Put on some favourite music...and chill. :)
I dont think you need disown them as such Bev. Just ignore them and they are as good as... Block their numbers or change yours. They dont live close enough to knock on the door. If they continue to bother you then tell em to "Bog Off" :D
jandl100
10-01-2016, 08:40
Can you give some indication of the issues, Bev?
I get on OK with my family - not incredibly close, but amicable enough. Parents long dead.
Oddly (?) I seem to get on with my wife's family better than I do my own. But that may be cos I see them less often. :D
Firebottle
10-01-2016, 08:49
I think some of the trouble is that I did not 'produce' grand children
Well that's your choice (or unhappy circumstance) and shouldn't be dictated too IMHO.
We had my half cousin round yesterday, she has done a family tree going back quite a way, talk about shenanigans in previous generations :mental:
:)
My mother had a massive falling out with my brother not long before she died. She thought he had 'crossed a line' over some issue, and never spoke to him again, even though they only lived a couple of miles from each other. i get on fine with my siblings, but they are 150 miles away!
Personally, I'm of the view that you need to think of yourself in all this. If the 'family stuff' is causing you so much grief, you need to separate from them, even if it's only temporarily, especially as their main beef with you seems to me to be none of their sodding business.
Judging others is a pastime for some people. Therapy, in fact, but of a negative kind.
I never got on with my family and left home at 18. Had nothing to do with them for a few years. Once they realised I was not emotionally or financially dependant on them they changed their attitude. I was glad about that. Blood is thicker than water.
Judging others is a pastime for some people. Therapy, in fact, but of a negative kind.
I never got on with my family and left home at 18. Had nothing to do with them for a few years. Once they realised I was not emotionally or financially dependant on them they changed their attitude. I was glad about that. Blood is thicker than water.
+1 Brother.
NdiRhzTsSnk
Blood's thicker than mud.
awkwardbydesign
10-01-2016, 19:45
My daughter lives two doors away. So I'm stumped.
walpurgis
10-01-2016, 19:59
My daughter lives two doors away. So I'm stumped.
You could always move Richard. :)
walpurgis
10-01-2016, 20:03
My sister has disowned the whole family. The wife's a cow. The mother in law is ga ga. But the rest are just fine. Just as well, as they all live with me. Apart from my brother! :)
Judging others is a pastime for some people. Therapy, in fact, but of a negative kind.
I never got on with my family and left home at 18. Had nothing to do with them for a few years. Once they realised I was not emotionally or financially dependant on them they changed their attitude. I was glad about that. Blood is thicker than water.
It's odd isn't it? Conversely, my siblings (who are close to each other) have never forgiven me for my indifference to them. After years of long hard thinking I simply told them to behave or I'd withdraw, they didn't, and we don't speak by my choice - the quality of the interaction sounds a bit like Ninanina's and it's simply not worth the brainache: too much said by not being said, wounded silences, bitching behind backs. The old cliche is correct - life is far too short to waste on this nonsense.
I am very close to my wife and son and just don't engage with the rest. I don't have a wider family-shaped hole in my life. In fact, life is better without them. And I've spared my son being drawn into that kind of dysfunction - he has to live with mine instead...:)
P
awkwardbydesign
10-01-2016, 20:38
You could always move Richard. :)
We did. To a house 2 doors from her! My wife's idea, but it's (usually) fine. Except I have to do her DIY!
Still got a brother and sister plus their spouses, and get on well, without seeing each other a lot(possibly the reason);) .... Daughter(and family) and son are apples of my eye I guess. Got on well with all the dead ones(parents,aunts,uncles and grandparents too to varying degrees, but none I had anything against or vis a vie to my knowledge. If I did I would likely have done what Peter or Martin did.
walpurgis
10-01-2016, 20:55
Except I have to do her DIY!
Serves you right! :D
(perhaps you should have bought her some tools for Christmas?)
Ninanina
10-01-2016, 21:12
Thanks to everyone for all your comments and kind words, it's much appreciated :)
I really can't go into the actual problems as it is so tricky to explain and it has been brewing for years but it amounts to me feeling like a second class citizen and totally cut out of the family in favour of my niece her fiance and my sister. There have been loads of little comments to me from my mum which bare this out. I have a sneaky suspicion that my mum doesn't know what she has said to me that has upset me so much as I have never answered her back to keep the peace but of course that means it's been building up in me for a long long time. There was a couple of instances over the Chirstmas period that have bought it all to a head and make me feel as I do now
Like I say there have been many things that have happened/said for years and years but I guess there comes a time when 'enough is enough' and I can stand it no more and I think I am at that point now
I won't do anything for a while but I think the only way to settle it is to let them know how I feel and tell them some 'home truths' about how they have treated me or I do nothing and just pull away totally from the family
Certianly the situation at the moment is making me ill and I don't deserve to be made to feel like that when I have done nothing wrong
Thanks again for your support guys and gals it's really nice to know you are all there ;)
Time for your smillie faced avatar lass ;)
Ninanina
10-01-2016, 21:24
Time for your smillie faced avatar lass ;)
Is that one ok for your Grant ? :D
YAY!! :D much better.... never frown when you can smile
Sorry Bev, can't really offer much worthwhile advice here, as family fallouts are pretty alien to me, coming from a close-knit Italian family background, and as such have always been very close to both of my parents and immediate relatives, most of whom I see regularly, and am on good terms with.
All I would say is that life's too short to hold long-term grudges with close members of your family, such as your mum, so I'd get all the issues you have off of your chest, ASAP, but in a calm and purposeful way, not a rant, as that will just get other people's backs up. You only have one mum, and you just never know how long she's going to be with you for in this world.
Therefore, the last thing you'd want happening is parting on bad terms, should this rift between you linger for any length of time. How does the old saying go again: don't go to bed angry? Well, I'd definitely bear that one in mind.... :)
Marco.
Sorry Bev, can't really offer much worthwhile advice here, as family fallouts are pretty alien to me, coming from a close-knit Italian family background, and as such have always been very close to both of my parents and immediate relatives, most of whom I see regularly, and am on very good terms with.
All I would say is that life's too short to hold long-term grudges with close members of your family, such as your mum, so I'd get all the issues you have off of your chest, ASAP, but in a calm and purposeful way, not a rant, as that will just get other people's backs up. You only have one mum, and you just never know how long she's going to be with you in this world.
Therefore, the last thing you'd want happening is parting on bad terms, should this rift between you linger for any length of time. How does the old saying go again: don't go to bed angry? Well, I'd definitely bear that one in mind.... :)
Marco.
Horny yes , but not angry :lol:
Is it not the case that what your mum has said to you is done to make her feel good/better and you bad. If this is making you ill then give her some of her own medicine. Some people are not happy unless they are making other people miserable. What can be worse for you than bottling it all up. I would blow it all open and make yourself feel better and so that you can move on positively. What happens thereafter is up to others who have caused this situation. I bet this has been taking up too much of your waking and sleeping hours for too long. Good Luck.
Horny yes , but not angry :lol:
Ha - never go to bed with an 'angry stiffy', eh? :D
Marco.
Ha - never go to bed with an 'angry stiffy', eh? :D
Marco.
:eyebrows: if at all possible:D ... can cause you to have a hard days night :doh: ....I'll get me coat
Ninanina
10-01-2016, 21:54
Is it not the case that what your mum has said to you is done to make her feel good/better and you bad. If this is making you ill then give her some of her own medicine. Some people are not happy unless they are making other people miserable. What can be worse for you than bottling it all up. I would blow it all open and make yourself feel better and so that you can move on positively. What happens thereafter is up to others who have caused this situation. I bet this has been taking up too much of your waking and sleeping hours for too long. Good Luck.
Thanks Rob.. I think you may have it right especially that in bold...
Ninanina
10-01-2016, 21:57
You only have one mum, and you just never know how long she's going to be with you for in this world
Marco.
That's absolutely right Marco.. however on the flip side my mum only has two of us (daughters) and SHE doesn't know how long we are in this world for either... if you know what I mean ;)
That's absolutely right Marco.. however on the flip side my mum only has two of us (daughters) and SHE doesn't know how long we are in this world for either... if you know what I mean ;)
My mum once, when she was getting on a bit was becoming to me, a bit critical of me, yet the other siblings could do no wrong, and it was getting on my nerves, so I told her I was less than impressed. She was unhappy with me for a while but it brought us loser once the dust settled Bev. Worth considering, as if you continue to let this go on, then she/they wont know where they've gone wrong. Just because she is your mum doesn't mean she is infallible, and being aware your aware often changes the transgressors opinion of the target of their ire.
That's absolutely right Marco.. however on the flip side my mum only has two of us (daughters) and SHE doesn't know how long we are in this world for either... if you know what I mean ;)
Indeed, and so all the reason then to 'kiss and make up', ASAP, and not let any bad feelings linger.... The last thing you want are any irreversible regrets.
Marco.
southall-1998
10-01-2016, 23:16
My sister has disowned the whole family. The wife's a cow. The mother in law is ga ga. But the rest are just fine. Just as well, as they all live with me. Apart from my brother! :)
Moooooooooo! :ner:
S.
Bev, it is hard for someone in a family that is tight and undivided to understand the torment that can be caused by one family member over years.
Playing one sibling against another for years to keep themselves at the center of attention.
Sometimes you need to address things like this when you are hot enough to win or loose empty your guts on them, but do think of points you want to make before doing so.
Sometimes in order to affect change, you need to stand up for your self even at risk of great loss.
I have done just that with one family member and it can cause them to respect you. Bully's love a silent victim.
Ali Tait
11-01-2016, 11:05
Bev, sit down and write your mum a letter telling her how you feel. This can be a good way of sorting things out without getting too confrontational.
Bev, sit down and write your mum a letter telling her how you feel. This can be a good way of sorting things out without getting too confrontational.
Good idea . I text my mother a lot because she has a tendancy to go off on a completely random tack , and not listen to what you actually say! She ends up telling me all about her friends and whats annoyed her etc lol
Maybe its a bit cowardly ,but I feel sometimes I can put things over in a more understandable way for her
Agree with the letter writing Bev, even if it's only to set down how you feel. One thing to consider though - if you do talk to your Mum about it, try from the standpoint of how you feel rather than 'You do this...'. If she comes back with a lot of self-justification, calmly ask her to just listen. That way a lot of the accusatory 'sting' for the person on the receiving end is taken out - often people become defensive at that point and stop hearing what is being said. If you couple that with some reasonable ways in which it could be alleviated for you, you might find that change will happen. Of course it might not, but being calm and stating your position without accusation give space for others to hear what you're saying.
You might need to do this with the other siblings too, but often simply shifting your own behaviour can be enough to allow others to change - unconscious patterns become quickly ingrained and all the players have a role in keeping these patterns alive. By identifying how you take part in that, you can change your response, and that allows others to do likewise.
Hope it works out for you whatever you do - and you can feel more empowered as the year progresses.
very sound advice from Jason. So much of the hurt comes from what we make comments mean, and that is almost something based on own feelings about ourselves. It is a good approach to identify what you need to take responsibility for in your relationship that you have been making her wrong for (this isn't easy - we're all very good at blaming others to avoid responsibility) and talk to her about this and tell her how you want things to be between you in the future.
Try to get in touch with the fact you love your Mum, and that she is very important to you (like it or not). Don't focus on what has been said in the past - focus on the type of relationship you want to have with her and enrol her in that possibility. Be open, generous and loving and you will be surprised how quickly something that seemed unsalvageable can be turned around.
very sound advice from Jason. I don't normally give advice in these sort of threads, and don't know the specifics, but in general terms, FWIW..
So much of the hurt comes from what we make comments mean (especially those from close family), and that interpretation is almost something based on own feelings about ourselves. It is a good approach to identify what you need to take responsibility for in your relationship that you have been making her wrong for (this isn't easy - we're all very good at blaming others to avoid responsibility) and talk to her about this and tell her how you want things to be between you in the future.
Try to get in touch with the fact you love your Mum, and that she is very important to you (like it or not). Don't focus on what has been said in the past - focus on the type of relationship you want to have with her and enrol her in that possibility. Be open, generous and loving and you will be surprised how quickly something that seemed unsalvageable can be turned around.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.3 Copyright © 2026 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.