Jokes & Funnies

[Mike]

As the thread title says!

I'll start of with this:

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1735982

Pay particular attention to the facial expression of the guy in green. Priceless!

:mental::mental::mental: :lolsign:

[Mike Reed]

Seen in Billericay, Essex, and Thanet,

A fish & chip shop called THE CODFATHER

A house cleaning company van, signwritten with SPRUCE SPRINGCLEAN

A hairdresser (many do have amusing names). HAIRY POPPINS


In the wild, how can one tell a weasel from a stoat ?

One is weasily recognised but the other is stoatally different.


Why can't you obtain aspirin from any chemists in the Amazon basin?
Because the paracetamol.


MUSICAL JOKE

What resultant sound comes from dropping a grand piano onto a military barracks?

A flat major


Oh, well! Just doing my bit, Shian7

[anthonyTD]

Seen in Billericay, Essex, and Thanet,

A fish & chip shop called THE CODFATHER

A house cleaning company van, signwritten with SPRUCE SPRINGCLEAN

A hairdresser (many do have amusing names). HAIRY POPPINS


In the wild, how can one tell a weasel from a stoat ?

One is weasily recognised but the other is stoatally different.


Why can't you obtain aspirin from any chemists in the Amazon basin?
Because the paracetamol.


MUSICAL JOKE

What resultant sound comes from dropping a grand piano onto a military barracks?

A flat major


Oh, well! Just doing my bit, Shian7

great, made me laugh anyway, any more???

[Mike Reed]

Thank you, Anthony.

Shall post another or two over the b. h.

[scoobs]

A bloke visits a zoo and is disappointed to find only a dog there...




...it was a shitzu

[WikiBoy]

How many marketing men does it take to spam a forum?

[WikiBoy]

Whoops! sorry - that is not a joke :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[Marco]

Yes, Super Muppet, we need a new rant. So get to it!

Did you get the message from Rob about the new room with mod facilities we're going to give you? :eyebrows:

Meanwhile, here's a little joke-ette:

Rev John Flapps sees a lady church member getting drunk in the pub. He tries to take her home but they fall and he ends up on top of her. The landlord says:

"Oi mate you can't do that in here!".

The Rev replies: "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps".

The landlord replies: "Well if you're that far in you may as well finish!"

Marco.

[Mr Ed]

Heather Mills has bought a plane with her divorce settlement, but plans to carry on using Immac on her other leg...

[Mike Reed]

SIMON & PETER

Simon and Peter have been sharing a new flat for a couple of months.

"Peter", says Simon one day, " my mother is hinting strongly that it's about time we invited her round to see the new place".

"Fine", says Peter, "send her an e-mail". "Yeah!", responded Simon, " but you don't know my mother; something ALWAYS goes walkies after one of her visits".

Anyway, Simon contacted his mother, who duly came round to dinner a week later. Simon couln't help noticing throughout the meal that his mother kept giving furtive glances at Peter. After the meal, Simon pulled his mother to one side and questioned her slightly strange behaviour.

"Your new flatmate Peter is a very handsome boy", she said in a suggestive tone. Simon, realising the insinuation, replied in a defensive but assertive voice that he and Peter were simply friends and flatmates; end of story! His mother eventually departed, to both the boys' relief.

Ten days later, Peter said to Simon, "Simon, have you seen the frying-pan? I've looked everywhere for it these last few days and assumed you had broken it or something".

"That's funny", replied Simon, "I've been wondering where it was, too; maybe my mother appropriated it when she was here; I told you what she was like! I'll e-mail her to ask".

'Dear mother', Simon wrote, 'I'm not saying that you DID walk off with our new frying-pan, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T walk off with it, but it's been missing since your visit'

His mother e-mailed back promptly with the message 'Dear Simon, I'm not saying that you DO sleep with Peter, and I'm not saying that you DON'T sleep with him, but I'd have thought that he would have found it in his bed by now'

[Mike Reed]

What the hell is 'IMMAC'?

[snapper]

What the hell is 'IMMAC'?


http://www.dooyoo.co.uk/body-care/immac-hair-removing-mousse/

:lolsign:

[WikiBoy]

Yes, Super Muppet, we need a new rant. So get to it!

Did you get the message from Rob about the new room with mod facilities we're going to give you? :eyebrows:


Marco.

Nope!

But is it now necessary, the vote seems to be agreeing they have to be controlled in some way, and if they are controlled and can't spam the forum they will leave, so QED.

[Marco]

S'up to you. If you want it we'll give it to you. Have a think. It might be a useful 'haven' in future ;)

Yes, the vote looks as if it's going that way. The poll closes at the end of today. I have the feeling Ashley and jc won't contribute on those terms, so IMO they're as good as gone, which is shame (although I know you won't agree).

Marco.

[Mr Ed]

What the hell is 'IMMAC'?

Hair removal cream. Maybe I should have said 'stick with waxing' or something!

Ed.

[Lily Munster]

Hair removal cream. Maybe I should have said 'stick with waxing' or something!

Ed.

I like a man who's in touch with his feminine side ;)

Lily

[Marco]

Paddy and Mick are walking down a country lane...

They see a big cow so Paddy walks over to it, lifts up its tail and kisses it right on the arse.

"You dirty b*stard.” says Mick. "What did you do that for?"

"I've got chapped lips.” says Paddy.

"Well that's not gonna make them better!” says Mick.

"No", says Paddy, "But It'll stop me f*ckin' lickin' them!"

Marco.

[Mike Reed]

http://www.dooyoo.co.uk/body-care/immac-hair-removing-mousse/

:lolsign:

Thanks, SNAPPER & ED.

I used to enjoy those, but didn't realise the consequences. I'll stick to yogurt in future!

[Mike Reed]

Even Stephen Fry takes the piss out of Norfolk; can't think why!

Two old Norfolk boys were watching a hearse roll slowly by. As it disappeared into the distance, one asked "Who died, then?"

" 'im in the box, I reckon", said the other.

"Yis", mused the first old boy, " driver looked orrite".

[Marco]

Little Johnny walks in to his parent's bedroom and sees his dad giving his mum one.

His dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts: "Get out!"

A little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's room, so he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his gran.

Johnny just looks at him and says: "Not so f*ckin funny when it's your mum, is it?"

Marco.

[Mike Reed]

Jock and Jimmy were feeling peckish so went into a baker's shop.

"Is that a doughnut or a meringue?", asked Jock.

"Och, no, y're nay wrang", said Jimmy, " it's a doughnut"

(Think about it........)

[Mike Reed]

A young Scots lad comes home from school and exclaims to his mother

"Mum, guess what! I've got a part in the school play".

"That's fantastic", his mother exclaims with pride, " what part are you playing?"

"I'm playing the part of the Scottish husband in this family drama", the lad said excitedly.

"WHAT?", his mother blurted out, " how DARE they! Now you go straight back to your teacher tomorrow and tell him you want a speaking part!"

[Mike]

I have found Marco on t'internet, he is here (ignore the bollocks about milk at the start):

http://www.joecartoon.com/cartoons/147-monkey_looker


:lolsign:

[Mike]

S'up to you. If you want it we'll give it to you. Have a think. It might be a useful 'haven' in future ;)

Yes, the vote looks as if it's going that way. The poll closes at the end of today. I have the feeling Ashley and jc won't contribute on those terms, so IMO they're as good as gone, which is shame (although I know you won't agree).

Marco.


Oi!.... keep ya politics outa ma jokes thread! :upyours:

[Marco]

Check out Mr Methane!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ofn8-3SWd8M

:lolsign:

Marco.

[WikiBoy]

Check out Mr Methane!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ofn8-3SWd8M

:lolsign:

Marco.

Did he have a pair of ADM9's in his underpants :lol::lol::lol::lol:

Oh sorry couldn't resist it, of course the ADM9 can shi(f)t more air than that:lolsign::lolsign:

No really I don't mean it, though if the ADM9 ever had to clear it's throat I would get out of the firing line. :mex:

Enough already before I poooo myself laughing:crowd:

Really though the ADM9 is a great product almost as entertaining as Mr Methane so :unfair::sorry::peace: Ashley

[Gromit]

First-year students at a Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class with a dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the carcass covered with a white sheet

The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the backside of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' He told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

[Mike Reed]

I have heard this before, GROMIT, but it's still a good one. My lady wiffie was highly tickled by it. I was beginning to think I had an odd bent on humour.

Must post another, being so encouraged.

What noise emanates from treading on a grape?

A little whine. (almost at cracker joke level)


A pensioner, in bed with his wife, hears the door-bell ring late at night. He chooses to ignore it, but his wife insists that he finds out who it is.

He goes to the front door, opens it and is confronted by an Irishman, slightly the worse for wear, who says " "Evenin' sor. Sorry t' trouble yous, but can ye give us a push?"

The pensioner slams the door and stomps up to bed.

"Who was that, dear?" his wife asks.

"Some drunken Irishman asking for a push; at THIS time of night", he replied

"But my dear, he could have his family with him in the car, and they could be tired and hungry, etc, etc...." his wife admonished.

So he goes down again and opens the front door and peers out into the foggy night. "Hullo there" he shouts, again and again.

Just about to turn back inside, he hears a voice a short distance away.

"Please give us a push, sor".

"Where are you?" shouted the householder.

"Over here, on your swing", came the reply.

[Gromit]

Nag nag nag...

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the judge had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'...and on and on and on.....

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bath, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said, to which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP'??

[Mike Reed]

Ho! Ho!

Took me a minute, though!. Nice and subtle.

Does anybody else on this forum read these, or are we a two-man band?

[snapper]

Does anybody else on this forum read these, or are we a two-man band?


Don't know about anybody else,but I read and enjoy.

[Prince of Darkness]

Me to. I also forward some to friends in e-mails.:)

[Mike]

Keep em coming! :)

[Mike Reed]

A mouse goes into a music shop and asks for a mouth organ. After selecting his preferred instrument, he pays and is just about to walk out when the shop assistant says

" Excuse me sir, but we only sell two or three of those in a year, yet only last week another mouse came in and bought the self-same mouth-organ"

"Oh, really?", remarked the mouse, " I imagine that would be OUR MONICA"


Doh!

[Chris Frost]

Paddy on death row gets the chance to be shot, hung or injected with the AIDS virus. "Give me that AIDS stuff" he says. So they inject him and he rolls around on the floor laughing. The Warden says "What's so funny?" Paddy replies "I'm wearing a condom!"


.........................


Two dwarfs pull a couple of girls and head off for a night of passion. The first dwarf can't get it up, and to make matters worse all night he can hear the second dwarf saying "Here I come again... 1, 2 ,3 urrgh!"

Next morning the first dwarf says to the second "How embarrassing, I couldn't even get an erection." His mate looks at him and says "You think that's bad. I couldn't even get on the f*cking bed!"

[Russell Dawkins]

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1750360
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1757048

[Filterlab]

Ho! Ho!

Took me a minute, though!. Nice and subtle.

Does anybody else on this forum read these, or are we a two-man band?

Yep, every single post in fact. :)

[Mike]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

"Oi, what's your disability?"

I said "Tourettes! Now f**k off!"

[Mike]

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

[Mike]

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he
can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.
"Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says
"F**king hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate
whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"

[Mike]

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today,
but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "

[Mike]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling,
I was a hooker!".

He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit
that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !".

[Mike]

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the
kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

"SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and
keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"

[Mike]

A man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".

His wife replies "You've got a bigger todger than your brother"

[Mike]

There!

Now stop moaning you two! ;)

[Filterlab]

Man these are good. :lol:

[Mike]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren"

And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna” and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter .

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[Mike]

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don'teven know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to standon to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry.. What was the question?

[Mike]

Spiders on drugs.......

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1734043

[Mike]

I walked into B&Q and some guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.

[Mike]

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Labrador looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I then got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shi*e"

[Mike Reed]

Does anybody else on this forum read these, or are we a two-man band?

I only posed a little question and the flood-gates opened.

A veritable torrent of comedic diarrhoea indeed. So this is moderation, Shian 7style! Some very droll pieces here; excellent stuff.


A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a beer.

"Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string in here", says the barman.

The dejected string goes outside to join his two companions. "You've got no technique", says his friend, "watch me!".

Second piece of string goes in and compliments the barman on his fine decor, then orders a beer.

"I've already told you once", shouted the barman, "if you come in again I shall call the police". The second string rejoins the others outside and says "Impossible. You'll never get served in there!"

The third piece, however, thinks for a moment, gets out a pair of scissors and begins to separate out his strands, ruffle them up and tie his bits together.

"Subterfuge is the way to do it" he cockily remarks to his friends.

Upon entering the bar and asking for a pint of cider, the barman looks suspiciously at him and says "Aren't you the piece of string I've just given a warning to?"

"No", the string said, "I'm afraid not" ((geddit?)

[Mike]

A veritable torrent of comedic diarrhoea indeed. So this is moderation, Shian7 style! Some very droll pieces here; excellent stuff.

I aim to please ;)

If there's anything that you think requires any moderation feel free to let me know!

:smoking:

[Marco]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q23sodJ0SIg

Make sure your volume is turned up.

Enjoy!

Marco.

[Marco]

The Glaswegian accent makes it even funnier!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuq_e0HZ6sk

:lolsign:

Marco.

[Filterlab]

That is very good indeed. :)

[Mike Reed]

Rather distressed lady says to her doctor,

"Doctor, I've been going out of my mind recently with hallucinations and bad dreams of Heathrow Airport"

"I'm awfully sorry, madam,", the doctor said after an examination, " but I do believe this condition could be terminal."

[Mike]

Oh no!.... please... :doh:

[Chris Frost]

Spoof Tom Cruise interview (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpoWoZnm4Bw) :lol:

[Mike Reed]

A lady take a rather lifeless parrot to her local vet.

"He hasn't eaten for days, doctor; he just seems to sleep a lot at present. Can you check him over?" the lady said.

The vet puts the parrot on the table and performs an examination.

"I'm afraid your pet is deceased," the vet said.

"NO, that's not possible, doctor: he's been with me for years, and I'm sure he's simply a little under the weather. Could I have a second opinion, please?"

The vet goes next door and comes back with a big, powerful looking cat. The cat leans over the parrot, touches it in various places with its paws, stares at it for a few minutes, then turns round to the vet and shakes his head.

"Madam" the vet then says, " I'm sorry, but our cat tends to confirm my analysis."

"I will not accept that" the lady said vehemently," my beloved parrot has simply gone into suspended animation; maybe he's got a tropical fever. I demand another opinion!"

The vet then calls in his big black Labrador dog, saying " Madam, this dog's intuition cannot be faulted".

The dog then puts his paws up onto the table, sniffs audibly right round the parrot's body twice, lifts up its tail and snuffles into its ears.

"Well?" the vet asks of the dog, " What do you think, boy?"

"Woof woof, whine, howl," the dog articulated, swinging his snout from side to side.

"THere you are, madam," the vet then said, exasperated. "Do you believe me NOW?"

The lady disconsolately agrees with the findings and asks for the bill, which duly arrives.

"Good Lord!" she exclaims, "why is this bill so high, when all you've done is tell me my dear parrot is dead?" expostulates the woman.

"Well madam," the vet replied, "You didn't believe my first prognosis, so I'm afraid you've had to pay for the cat scan and a lab report as well."

[Mike Reed]

A scottish m.p. was being shown round a new hospital in Ayrshire by the director.

In the first ward he is confronted by weak, gasping patients. He was told that it was the 'Obstructive Airways & Smoking-Related Illnesses' ward.

In the second he encounters yellow-skinned, emaciated dementia sufferers. This, he was informed, was the 'Alcoholic Terminal Care' ward.

In the final ward, he is met by a well-dressed man in a smart suit reciting "my love is like a red, red rose", and another, gibbering "sleekit timorous beastie". He was then seized by a young man spouting "if we could see ourselves as others see us".

"Ah!", exclaims the m.p. "I know. This is the psychiatric ward".

"Och, noooo" retorts the director, "this is the 'Serious Burns Unit'

[Russell Dawkins]

The Pope was on a tour through the American southwest a few years ago.

At one point on a long straight road between Phoenix and Los Angeles, alone in the limousine with only his driver, he got to musing.

Tapping the window to get the driver's attention he said, "You know, it has been years since I have been allowed to drive myself, and I miss it. Do you think you could let me drive for a while - it looks easy enough on this road".

The driver agreed, they stopped, the Pope exchanged places with the driver and off they went. At first the Pope drove tentatively, but as the miles rolled on, the speed crept up and up until eventually a flashing red and blue appeared from behind.

The Pope dutifully pulled over, more than a little embarrassed, and the trooper swaggered up to deliver the usual sermon. When he saw who was driving he came completely unglued and was forced to make a feeble excuse while he rushed back to the cruiser.

On the radio to his supervisor, he said "I just pulled over this guy for speeding and I don't know what to do - he's so important!"

"How important can he be. Who is he - the sheriff?"

"No, he's way more important than that"

"The governor?"

"No, he's more important than that"

"The president??"

"No, he's even more important than that. Listen, this guy is so important, the Pope is his chauffeur!"

[Mike]

http://img515.imageshack.us/img515/2586/jpegimage1421747lc7.jpg
By shian7 (http://profile.imageshack.us/user/shian7) at 2008-05-24



My wife was very impressed by this. But NOT favourably!!!

:/

[Sand Dancin Donkey Walker]

A Donkey and a Chicken are out in a field when the Donkey falls down a hole. The Chicken races over and jumps into the farmers BMW and ties a rope to the front and pulls the Donkey out.
The next week they're out in the same field again and the Chicken falls down the same hole, he tells the Donkey to get the BMW and the rope. Instead the Donkey walks over to the hole and drops his cock into the hole and the Chicken climbs out.
Moral of the story. When you're hung like a Donkey you don't need a BMW to pull a chick. :)

With the fun I had in Durham last week I'll need both.

[The Grand Wazoo]

Here's one for your delight & delectation............

A blonde pushes her BMW into a petrol station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[The Grand Wazoo]

And there's more...........

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would be disciplined very severely when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be ****** if he needed glasses".

[The Grand Wazoo]

Did I mention ...........................?

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of South Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?" The meteorologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold." So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" The meteorologist again replied, "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter." The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" he asked. "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign."

[BajaGringo]

At least his mum is cool?!?!?!

Ha ha ha...

[The Grand Wazoo]

Paddy's just found an old lamp. He gives it a rub with his shirt and a genie appears in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says "Master, I'm the Genie of the Lamp and your wish is my command - you shall have two wishes & they will come true. What shall be your first wish?"

"Well now Genie, oim feelin' a bit tursty and I generally likes a wee drink, so what oi'd like to ask ye fer is a lifetime supply of beer, bejeezus."

The Genie waves his arms & there's a flash & a puff of smoke. When it clears, there's a pint of Guinness in front of Paddy.

Paddy is delighted, picks up the glass & downs it in one. When he puts the glass down, it miraculously refills itself.

Paddy yells, "Genie, begorrah, dat is absolutely fekkin' amazing!"

The Genie answers, "Genie is always pleased to serve his Master. What would be the Master's second and final wish be?"

Paddy replies, "I'll have another one of those!"

[Mike Reed]

Great entertainment. Keep 'em coming, TGW. I've rather exhausted my cache on this thread already

[The Grand Wazoo]

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport.

There is fog so thick that visibility is down to 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous - one of them is actually begining to pray.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?".

The solitary office worker replies: "You're in the cockpit of a plane.".

The pilot immediately makes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel.

The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

"Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

[BajaGringo]

I take it that you are one of those who has waited 5 days for an email response from Microsoft support.

I laughed out loud at that one...

[Marco]

A little boy asks his mum: "Why are you black and I am white?"

"Don't even ask" she replies, "When I think back to that party you're bloody lucky you don't bark!"

Marco.

[Mike]

euwww!

:scratch:

[The Grand Wazoo]

An Amish family went to the big city for the first time. The boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen a lift) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is”.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather large old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a red button at the side. The walls opened and the lady wheeled herself between them into a small shiny room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son...”Boy, listen to me very carefully. I want you to go now……go very, very quickly and get your mother……….”

[Filterlab]

"Little blind Bobby".



There was a young boy called Blind Bobby. He had been blind from a young age but he could remember how good it was to see things.



The doctors had told him he would never see again and there was nothing they could do.



One day his Mummy said to him "Bobby, an angel spoke to me today, she said that tonight is a special night, a magical night where little boys can have anything they wish for, but only if they wish really hard and pray really hard!"



"You mean that if I wish hard enough and pray hard enough I might be able to see again?" said little Blind Bobby.



"Yes darling" said his Mummy, "but only if you wish really really hard and pray really really hard."



Little Blind Bobby was full of excitement, he couldn't wait for bedtime to come round!



As night fell, little Blind Bobby got into bed and knelt, he wished and he wished, he prayed and he prayed that the magic would give him his sight back like his Mummy promised. He prayed and wished, wished and prayed until he fell fast asleep with exhaustion from wishing and praying.



In the morning little Blind Bobby awoke, his eyes full of tears. Alas his sight had not returned and with utter despair and sadness he said to his Mummy "Mummy, I wished really hard and prayed really hard but I didn't get my sight back!"



"I know darling" said Mummy, "April Fool!"

:)

[Marco]

Sick, but I like it :lolsign:

Ok, a farmer walks into his bedroom where he wife was with a sheep under his arm and says: "This is the pig I have to shag when you're not up for sex!"

His wife says: "I think you'll find that's a sheep!"

He replies: "Ya daft cow, I was talking to the bloody sheep!"

Marco.

[Kurt-Holz]

what's black and white and spins around at 1000rpm

haha

sorry, are nun's in a blender joke in bad taste

Rob, that one was so bad it's good

Kurt

[The Grand Wazoo]

On the subject of sheep...................

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you let me have one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, and then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook computer, connects it to his phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up GPS system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his phone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this data via email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That's right. Well, I suppose you'd better take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man select an animal and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?"

You're a consultant," says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"

No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. What's more you know ****-all about my business. "Now give me back my dog!"

[Marco]

Hehe... where are you getting these from, TGW? :lolsign:

Marco.

[Filterlab]

...Rob, that one was so bad it's good...

The first time I heard it I laughed for about half an hour. I think really cruel humour is my thing. :(

[Marco]

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron!

Marco.

[Filterlab]

:)

What clears a block of flats in ten seconds?

Stevie Wonder with a flame thrower.

[The Grand Wazoo]

A bloke walks into the library in Glasgow and says to the lady behind the counter, "Scuse me Hen, di ye hae ony books aboot suicide?"

She stops doing her cataloguing, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "If you borrow that, you’ll never bring it back – Now piss off!"

[Mike Reed]

Very droll; there's something about Scottish jokes!

[Marco]

Mmm... I can see where TGW is coming from - it is somewhat insensitive, although I would stop short of branding it as "inflammatory and bigotted". TGW, I think you're overreacting a little, although there are some who would no doubt find the joke offensive.

In future, guys, can we please leave ethnic or religious issues out of the jokes thread? Cheers!

[Edit] Ah, it's been deleted... Not by me, incidentally.

Marco.

[Filterlab]

A slight overreaction, but I've removed it just to keep the peace. :)

[The Grand Wazoo]

Mmm... I can see where TGW is coming from - it is somewhat insensitive, although I would stop short of branding it as "inflammatory and bigotted". TGW, I think you're overreacting a little, although there are some who would no doubt find the joke offensive.

In future, guys, can we please leave ethnic or religious issues out of the jokes thread? Cheers!

[Edit] Ah, it's been deleted... Not by me, incidentally.

Marco.

The fact that it said "Shortly after 9/11 made it inflammatory.
The fact that it brands all Muslims as worthy of that sort of treatment makes it bigotted.

Set in any other way it would be funny. It's that sort of behaviour that makes people feel they are being persecuted for something they didn't do. That is how the whole problem is perpetuated.

[Filterlab]

Fair point.

[The Grand Wazoo]

As I said in the now deleted message in the other thread, most Irish jokes originate from Ireland, most Jewish jokes originate from the Jewish community, so ethnic and religious jokes are not bad per se but I think that was a little different. In fact I've got a couple of blinding Irish gags that I'll post in a bit!

I was in the US on 9/11 and I saw how innocent Muslim people were treated for weeks afterwards - that was not funny. I'm not Muslim, in fact all organised religion leaves me cold. I am just a normal white British bloke who likes to see all people treated fairly.

Cheers

[Filterlab]

I guess it can be equated to how a lot of Germans are still unjustly treated due to a power hungry madman being in charge of their country over 60 years ago. The fact that Germans are friendly people living in a clean, safe and beautiful country seems to pass some folk by.

Anyway, back to the gags:

A Muslim, an Arab and Dick Cheney walk into a bar.......

:)

[The Grand Wazoo]

I guess it can be equated to how a lot of Germans are still unjustly treated due to a power hungry madman being in charge of their country over 60 years ago. The fact that Germans are friendly people living in a clean, safe and beautiful country seems to pass some folk by.

Anyway, back to the gags:

A Muslim, an Arab and Dick Cheney walk into a bar.......

:)

There you go.......that's it exactly.

An Irish Catholic priest told me this one......

Two Irish engineering students, Patrick and Seamus, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Patrick, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "5 metres" and then walked away.

Seamus shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

[Filterlab]

:lol:

Very good.

[Marco]

TGW,


The fact that it said "Shortly after 9/11 made it inflammatory.
The fact that it brands all Muslims as worthy of that sort of treatment makes it bigotted.


Maybe, but rather crucially I don't believe that was the motivation behind FF posting the joke or the result he intended, which is why I found your reaction somewhat OTT.

However let's leave it at that. Your last joke was indeed very funny!

Keep 'em coming... :)

Marco.

[The Grand Wazoo]

The motivation becomes irrelavent if the result is the same. Hopefully, because of my comments, next time there will be a little extra thought for the implications of what is being said.

If people are allowed to continue to spout this sort of stuff, whatever the motivation, there will always be a response. My response was calmly and logically thought through. Other people may have responded in very, very different ways. As I said before, that's how the problem is perpetuated.

I'm only interested in ensuring all decent people are treated equally and fairly.
I've said enough on this subject.

[The Grand Wazoo]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "You had two beautiful twins..... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine now. However, they were gravely ill at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother...he's a clueless eedjit".
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved. "Thank God for that, that's a beautiful name. I have to take back every bad thought I had about my brother.....I like Denise."
Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

" D’nephew"

[Filterlab]

:lol: Now that is good!

[Mike Reed]

Yup! That's a clever one. 'Pun' humour may not be unique, but is most certainly redolent of 'Britishness'.

Wonder if the North Americans have such an abundance of pun humour, as their language is essentially only a slight variation of British English. More accurate historically in one or two aspects, as well!

I understand that your excommunication papers are being prepared, TGW. Edict from Dublin

[The Grand Wazoo]

A passenger plane travelling from Sydney to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving few survivors. After hours of swimming Bruce spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned, injured and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying in the surf….. another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life.

Then she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.

One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What Bruce, my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything I can to help your life be complete".

"Weeeell.......... there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"………………errrrr………..OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the last night’s fire, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... That's it, it looks perfect. Now can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"………..errrrrrrrrrr………..OK dear………………. if you’re sure it will make you happy"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her in the distance, heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"G’day mate….. you'll never believe who I'm shagging”

[BajaGringo]

Isn't that the truth????

Love your humor - bring 'em on...

;)

[Marco]

Real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

Marco.

[Donald Hanson]

Proof That the World Has Gone Bonkers!!!

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. !

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses

150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And you thought you had bad breath in the morning!)

[Mike]

CAKE OR BED?
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'

SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

[The Grand Wazoo]

The English Professor at Harvard asked his class what their aspirations might be for the future and one of his students said he had a burning desire to become a great writer.

The tutor asked him to define "great" and he said,

"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

So he got a job writing error messages for Microsoft, .

[Filterlab]

LOL! :lol: Now that is funny, even more so as I am a dyed in the wool Apple fan. :)

[The Grand Wazoo]

Heard something today that nearly made me drive into the ditch laughing........no, it wasn't the new album by....(insert name of most hated band artist here)........

It was some dull programme on Radio 4 with Clive Anderson. One of the guests was David Soul. Now, here's the thing.... Mr Soul revealed to the world that his middle name was Richard. What's so funny about that? you may ask.

I thought nothing of it, till he pointed out that this made him David R. Soul.

[Filterlab]

Hehehehehe, very comical. :)

[Mike Reed]

My sister's name is Virginia.

We called her Virgin for short,

but not for long.

(You think I'm kidding?) (The first bit's true, anyway!)

[Mike]

I thought nothing of it, till he pointed out that this made him David R. Soul.

Entirely appropriate if you ask me. :eyebrows:

[Marco]

How about this for the name of a hi-fi company?

http://www.erseaudio.com/Products/SpeakerHandles

All I can say is it's a good job that it's not based in Scotland!!

'Erse' in Scotland = 'arse', as in the quaint Glaswegian expression: 'The lazy shite does fuck all but sit on his erse o' day!' :lol:

Priceless!! :lolsign:

Marco.

[The Grand Wazoo]

Mrs McKenzie is trying hard to stay upright as she makes her way down an icy High Street to do her shopping.

As she comes skittering into the McTavish's butchers shop she sees the owner standing with his back to the wall heater.

She points & says "Morning Mr McTavish, is that yer Ayreshire bacon"

He shivers & says "Aye, that's right, cos it's awffy cold oot there, the day Mrs McKenzie"


....................think about it.

[Filterlab]

Took a moment, luckily I know the accent well. :)

[Marco]

LOL. TGW, very funny! :lol:

But, as a Scottish born chap, may I point out that "Ayreshire" has no 'e'. And "skittering" (skitters) has an entirely different meaning to the one you intended!! ;)

Marco.

[The Grand Wazoo]

LOL. TGW, very funny! :lol:

But, as a Scottish born chap, may I point out that "Ayreshire" has no 'e'. And "skittering" (skitters) has an entirely different meaning to the one you intended!! ;)

Marco.

Reygardinge ther sprellinge .......I know, I know...........it's just that my crap fingers are magnetically attacted to the letters between 'w' and 'y'.

I lived in Scotland for a good part of my life, my daughter was born in Dumfries and I've been subjected to several doses of the skitters in my time, believe me (usually after a few too many cans of 80/........).

[Marco]

LOL. I see - no problem :)

I would suggest replacing "skittering" with 'chuntering' or 'breenging'.

Ayrshire bacon though is rather good! As is most farm produce from around that area.

Marco.

[Beechwoods]

I have no idea what you're going on about, but I enjoy a good egg in the morning :)

[The Grand Wazoo]

One more gag that requires you to read in the accent................

Why did the Mexican tie his wife to the railway tracks?
































........................Tequila

[The Grand Wazoo]

There’s a medical conference and the world’s top three physicians - an American, a Swiss, and an Englishman, were giving presentations about the advances they had achieved in the field of artificial limbs.

Says the Englishman, "There was a baby girl born in Yorkshire without legs so I attached a pair of artificial ones of my own design, inspired by some of the works of Leonardo Da Vinci. Now she is a three-time winner of the London Marathon!!

The Swiss doctor's speech begins…….. “In Lucerne there was a baby boy born without forearms so we attached artificial forearms of my design, inspired by lobster claws. Now that he's grown, he has become an Olympic weight lifter, and a gold medallist at that!"

The American physician jumps onto the rostrum….. “That's nothing to what we have done. In Texas there was a little helpless baby boy born without a HEAD!

We were inspired by Disney movies so we attached a PUMPKIN and now he's the Leader of the Free World."

[Mike]

We were inspired by Disney movies so we attached a PUMPKIN and now he's the Leader of the Free World."

Brilliant! :lolsign:

[Beechwoods]

Didn't XTC do a rather brilliant song about that very thing?!

[The Grand Wazoo]

Didn't XTC do a rather brilliant song about that very thing?!

Funnily enough it was spinning round my head while I was typing the gag!!

Then I went & put their previous album on, which I think was a bit better.

[Beechwoods]

I'm definitely a Nonsuch fan over Oranges & Lemons. Every track is a masterpiece imo while O&L has a few blinders but less consistency... I'll have to dig them out!

[The Grand Wazoo]

OK so here's one of my favourites from years ago..................

What's the difference between a Knight in Shining Armour and an Unhygienic Baker?

[The Grand Wazoo]

OK so here's one of my favourites from years ago..................

What's the difference between a Knight in Shining Armour and an Unhygienic Baker?


A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR 'DARTS INTO THE FOE'..................

[The Grand Wazoo]

A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR 'DARTS INTO THE FOE'..................


While an UNHYGIENIC BAKER 'FARTS INTO THE...................



No.........I shouldn't have mentioned it

[shane]

Here's a joke:

One day, David Beckham, Leona Lewis and Jimmy Paige were riding on a bus in Beijing.





Oh hang on, it's not a joke, it just happened...


Anyone think of a good punch-line? I'm still struggling to grasp the concept!

[The Grand Wazoo]

Don't know about that one........

.....but I know the one about David Beckham in a taxi in London.

He & his missus have just been picked up by a cab. The driver recognises them because he'd dropped them off just down the road about an hour before.

He says, "Well Mr Beckham did you have any luck finding somewhere good to have your lunch then?"

Our hero says "errrrrrrrrrrmmmmm............tell me the name of a railway station........."

The cabby says "Kings Cross"

"No.........not that one........."

"Waterloo"

"No.........not that one........."

"St. Pancras"

"No.........not that one........."


"Victoria"

"THAT'S IT. YOU GOT IT!! YOU'RE A GENIUS!!!! THAT'S THE ONE.................

He turns to his wife "......Victoria.....where was it we went for our lunch?"

[Mike]

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By shian7 (http://profile.imageshack.us/user/shian7) at 2008-08-30

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By shian7 (http://profile.imageshack.us/user/shian7) at 2008-08-30

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By shian7 (http://profile.imageshack.us/user/shian7) at 2008-08-30

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By Shian7 (http://profile.imageshack.us/user/Shian7) at 2008-08-30

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By Shian7 (http://profile.imageshack.us/user/Shian7) at 2008-08-30

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By shian7 (http://profile.imageshack.us/user/shian7) at 2008-08-30

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By shian7 (http://profile.imageshack.us/user/shian7) at 2008-08-30

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By shian7 (http://profile.imageshack.us/user/shian7) at 2008-08-30

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By shian7 (http://profile.imageshack.us/user/shian7) at 2008-08-30

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By shian7 (http://profile.imageshack.us/user/shian7) at 2008-08-30

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By shian7 (http://profile.imageshack.us/user/shian7) at 2008-08-30

[Mike]

Sometimes it pays to NOT show off!

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/m.homar/Capoeira%20Fighter.wmv

[Chris Frost]

Sometimes it pays to NOT show off!:lolsign: That's ace.

[The Grand Wazoo]

What follows is no reflection on anyone, just a comment on European (pseudo)politics......................



The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English.'

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c.' Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k.' This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f.' This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[The Grand Wazoo]

On his way home from work, a bloke suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over outside a Toy Shop, goes inside and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The sales person answers, 'That depends which one you mean, Sir'

................We have: Work Out Barbie for £9.95, Shopping Barbie for £12.95, Beach Barbie for £11.95, Disco Barbie for £9.95, Ballerina Barbie for £13.95, Astronaut Barbie for £19.95, Skater Barbie for £10.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?.............How much did you say?....... Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others all less than 20 quid?'

The annoyed sales person rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
'...........Sir ........, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, Ken's CDs, Kens hifi and one of Ken's Friends.

[The Grand Wazoo]

A new Catholic priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to sit in on one of his sessions to give him some tips.

Glad to help a fellow man of the cloth, Father Smith spends a few minutes listening.

At a convenient break in proceedings, the old priest suggests that they have a bit of a chat.

“I’ve got a few suggestions,” he says.

“Try folding your arms over your chest and every now & then rub your chin thoughtfully with one hand.”

The new priest tries this.

“Very good - already, you're looking serious but concerned about the person you're talking to,” says his senior.

“Now try to make them feel you understand by saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'Yes, go on.'”

The younger priest practises these sayings, too.

“Well done,” says the older priest. “Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying: “No way! What happened next?”

[The Grand Wazoo]

I went to the Wailing Wall the other day.

Somehow I felt a bit out of place there.

........then, after a while I noticed I was the only person who'd remembered to bring a harpoon.............

[Prince of Darkness]

A young blonde Aberdonian girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Aberdeen docks.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. 'You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?' he asked.

'Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge.

'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me- if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night.

For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats.

He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation

The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Australia . One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me.'

The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, 'He certainly is love. This is the Orkney Ferry .'

[Marco]

Hahahahaha... That's a belter. F*ckin' hilarious, mate! :rolleyes:

Marco.

[Mike]

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.


Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.


Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.


HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

[aquapiranha]

Man, I could bearly contain myself reading that last one. I had to stop half way through to get some water as the laughing morphed into a coughing fit....nice one.

[Mike]

I still keep giggling. :)

[Mike]

Dave the hen


Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've sh*t the bed !!'

[Filterlab]

Hehehehehe, very good. :)

[StanleyB]

Is the Haynes advise from the Haynes Sex Manual, or one of their car manual:confused:?

[Mike]

Is the Haynes advise from the Haynes Sex Manual, or one of their car manual:confused:?

As the saying goes.... "You decide"! :eyebrows:

[Acorn3a]

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister

Noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled

With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned

With tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through

The Park a few months ago

And I found this little package On the ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

[StanleyB]

I know that everyone needs a job, but there are some places where yo' cuzin' should not be allowed to work.

There was a case in one hospital's ICU where patients always died in the same bed on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m. regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 am on Sundays.

So a world wide team of experts were assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 am all the doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11.....

Pookie Johnson, the part time Sunday Sweeper entered the ward and unplugged the life support system, so that he could plug in the vacuum cleaner....

And that's all I'm gonna say...

[The Grand Wazoo]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
Number 1, you have to be single and Number 2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK,' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

[Prince of Darkness]

How did you find out?http://www.mysmiley.net/imgs/smile/confused/confused0052.gif (http://www.mysmiley.net/free-jumping-smileys.php)http://www.mysmiley.net/imgs/smile/confused/confused0053.gif (http://www.mysmiley.net/free-party-smiles.php)http://www.mysmiley.net/imgs/smile/confused/confused0054.gif (http://www.mysmiley.net/free-animated-smileys.php):lolsign:

[Primalsea]

Whats the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

A pick pocket snatches your watch a peeping tom watches your snatch.

[Marco]

Haha, that's a belter! :lol:

TGW, your last one was also in the highest rank :eyebrows:

Marco.

[The Grand Wazoo]

What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?


You can depend on your wife to blow your bonus

[Primalsea]

Someone said get into vinyl but I think I made a horrible mistake. Oh and where do I stick the needle??

Someone also said I should grease my spindle and give it a polish too.

[Mike]

Jeremy Clarkson Quotes



"I 'm sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 and not driving it hard, is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you' ve got even half a scrotum it' s not going to happen."
·
· "We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it ' s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
·
· About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"
·
· "... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"
·
· " America: 250 million wankers living in a country with no word for wanker"
·
· Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn' t pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom"
·
· On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it begins with 's' and ends with 't' and its not "soot."
Hammond : "So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson: "Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"
·
· "Some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that long before anyone else realised that Jade Goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"
·
· "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"
·
· "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."
·
· "The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."
·
· "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
·
· "The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler."
·
· (Fed up during the caravanning trip) "You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
·
· "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'"
·
· On the Mercedes CLs55: "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
·
· "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"
·
· Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."
·
· "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off. What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating ninny'."
·
· " Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."
·
· "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10 days in 10 years."
"Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I mean the blokes a bit dodgy."

On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted?"
·
· "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
·
· On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."
·
· "Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One - weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."
·
· "I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, it's just...."
Hammond : "THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson: "Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league."
·
· "In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was."
·
· "The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."
·
· Assessing Hammond ' s crash:
Clarkson: You can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
· Hammond : "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
· Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I ' m going to notice it!"
·
· "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer."
·
· "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time."
·
· "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."
·
· "Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some blokes sweaty face."
·
· "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."
·
· "You can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"
·
· "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."
·
· On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

[Marco]

Brilliant, Mike! :lolsign:

Marco.

[shane]

Can't stand the man. So why do I find myself agreeing with him all the time?

[Filterlab]

All excellent. If we had politicians like him and Nick Ferrari the country would be an excellent place.

[Mike]

Bless em!

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/m.homar/femme.wmv

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/m.homar/femme2.wmv

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/m.homar/femme3.wmv

:)

[Beechwoods]

All excellent. If we (had?) politicians like him and Nick Ferrari the country would be an excellent place.

This Nick Ferrari? : A friend of former Sun editor Kelvin MacKenzie, Ferrari joined him at L!VE TV where he devised such programmes as Topless Darts, the News Bunny and the weather presented by a dwarf on a trampoline (fr. Wikipedia)

Are you sure :mental::lol:

[Filterlab]

LOL! That's him! You might want to listen to his show on LBC (http://www.lbc.co.uk/nick-ferrari-3466), he's rather good at common sense. :)

An excerpt from the passage on his 'proper' career:


In 1989, Ferrari was instrumental in setting up the Sky News channel, as the second person to be hired by Rupert Murdoch. Initially he was editor and then he was promoted to Vice President of News and Programming, of Fox TV in New York.

[Primalsea]

Answering Service

This is the transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute.

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

* If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
* If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
* If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter what number you press - no-one will answer.
* If you are dyslexic: Press 969696969696969696.
* If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
* If you have amnesia: Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
* If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9. If you have short term memory loss: Press 9.
* If you have low self esteem: Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

[KJM]

It's been around a while but I just love thishttp://www.funtab.com/Videos/401-japp-funny-commercial.html

Kevin

[Beechwoods]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=RcpSGB3odyU

[Barnie]

I was chatting to my wife's parents, and I told them I thought they they were like condoms.

"Ah," replied my father-in-law, with a sly wink, "I know this one - it's because we will protect you when things get hard, isn't it?"

"No," I replied, "it's because you are stuck up c#nts."

[Marco]

Arf! :lol:

Marco.

[Barnie]

Where else but Wales can you get a fuck, a nice warm coat AND a casserole all from the same date.

[Filterlab]

Answering Service

This is the transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute.

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

* If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
* If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
* If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter what number you press - no-one will answer.
* If you are dyslexic: Press 969696969696969696.
* If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
* If you have amnesia: Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
* If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9. If you have short term memory loss: Press 9.
* If you have low self esteem: Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

That's a classic, I'm sure there was an audio recording of this one floating about at one point.

[Mike]

Do you ever worry about the NHS?

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS
Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
Be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical
therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
was feeling better.

[Beechwoods]

This isn't a joke, but I found it quite funny. It's a spam email I got today. I thought I'd share it before it hit the trash... it even included a free picture, which I share here for your delectation ;)

---

Hello my new friend.
It is my first letter on English. Sorry, if I made some mistake in words.
But I write you from my hand and don't use pre-written letters.
My name Ekaterina. I live in Russia, in city Saint-Petersburg.
I am 26 years old. If you think, that I am not serious don't make mistake, and know me much more.
I gave promise, that I will never married on Russia boy.
All of them lie and don't hold his word.
Some man drink alcohol very much.
May be I will tell you more about my past relation later.
But i don't like think about it, it was no good.
My family are not large.
We live with my mother and sister.
My mother have good work as bookkeeper.
We can pay for all life expenses.
And I will not ask you help me with money.
I know many stories about it.
If you will write to me more, you will understand, that I am not such girl!
I am simple Russia girl, who want to live abroad.
I want have husband and right family.
I will try for this very much.
I have very serious intention.
My girlfriend find her husband on internet in last year.
She move to United Kingdom and they have happy family.
She write to me letter every week.
Don't want write about me and my hobby in first letter.
If I really interested you will ask me about all.
I want ask you some question:
Do you have children? What are you doing at work?
Did you have past relation, wife?
I hope, you can know some new things about me from this letter.


Please reply only to my personal e-mail: gentleloveme@gmail.com


I will wait your letter and hope to receive news from you shortly.
Bye!

Ekaterina, from Saint-Petersburg.

http://homepage.mac.com/beechwoods/AOS/Ekaterina.jpg

[Mike]

Ol Timer Sex




This is too funny to be dirty -
enjoy!





The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went
behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made
love to you.'


'Yes', she says, 'I remember it
well.'


'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around
there again and we can do it for old time's
sake?'


'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy,
but good idea!'


A police officer sitting in the next booth heard
their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just
keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows
them.


The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning
on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the
back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her
skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the
old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are
making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse,
panting on the ground.


The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life and old age that he didn't
know..


After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back
on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret
is.


So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse
me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret to
this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric
fence.'

[Spectral Morn]

A guy was driving around London when he saw a sign in front of a house,



'Talking Dog for Sale .'


He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.

The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there..


'You talk?' he asked.



'Yes,' the Lab replied.
'So, what's the story?'

The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I

was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5

about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to

country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one

figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable

spies for eight years running.'



'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting

any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the

airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious

characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and

was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and

now I'm just retired.'


The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted

for the dog.



'Ten Pounds.' the man said.


'Ten Pounds ? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so

cheap?'



'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that.' :lolsign:


Courtesy of my Brother in Law.


Regards D S D L----Neil :)

[The Grand Wazoo]

I don't know if this is founded from a germ of truth or not, and the telling of Mr Ford's prejudices do not reflect my opinions ............but.................



The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first Automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show: Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

So, now you know...

[Beechwoods]

I'll leave it to Snopes to sift the truth from the fiction :) http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/ford.asp

[The Grand Wazoo]

Jokes & Funnies is getting worryingly close to the bottom of the Abstract Chat page, folks.
Pull your socks up................

Here's the best one I've heard in ages............................
Vernon the Vampire bat came flapping into the cave out from the cold dark night, and he was covered in fresh ................dripping...........blood.
So he found himself a quiet spot & parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep, cause he was shagged out & knackered on account of being tired.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he'd got it from.
Vernon kept yelling at them "Piss off, I'm tired let me get some sleep"

However, they persisted until finally Vernon gave in.

"Okay then, you bastards follow me," ......he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bloodthirsty bats streaming behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a deep.....dark....forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly flitted around him.

"Now then you guys".............. .whispered Vernon....................

..............do you see that tree over there?"

"YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a blood-frenzy.

"GOOD," shouted Vernon, "BECAUSE I f***ing DIDN'T".

[Alan]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish or Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the
Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around
us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

[Alan]

http://i264.photobucket.com/albums/ii165/brownalan/hospital.jpg

Shouldn't be funny - but it is! :lolsign:

[The Grand Wazoo]

Bloke wanders out of a pub a few minutes before kicking out time. He’s singing loudly and walking extremely erratically, constantly tripping up on his own feet. Every now & then he makes erratic gestures to accompany the words of the song he’s slurring.

He makes his way over to a car parked on the other side of the road & fumbles with his keys. He tries them in the lock of the passenger door, drops them on the ground & falls over when he tries to pick them up.

By this time the pub is kicking out its patrons.

He gets in his car and immediately puts the wipers on & bips the horn to the tune of the Colonel Bogey March. Trying to pull away, he can’t get out of his parking space because he inches forward only half an inch at a time, before he reverses 1 inch back & hits the kerb. After 10 minutes all the other cars in the street have gone, so he can get going without fear of hitting anyone else’s car. He drives off, with the wipers going & hazards flashing.

Suddenly, a police car pulls out of the shadows, siren going & blue lights flashing. He pulls over & the bobby comes to the window, saying “Excuse me sir, I have reason to believe you are driving while under the influence of alcohol.”

The guy says, “That’s ridiculous, I haven’t had a drink all night, I don’t understand what you’re talking about”
The policeman pulls out a breathalyser & asks him to blow into it.

It shows he’s sober, so the bobby says he can’t understand it, the equipment seems to be faulty & he’ll have to come down to the station with him for a blood test.

The driver says, “I don’t think that’ll do you much good, officer”

“And why is that sir?” Replies the bobby.

“……………..Well you see, tonight I was nominated as the designated decoy”

[The Grand Wazoo]

The Washington Post asked readers to take a word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, removing, or changing a letter, and give it a new definition.

A bit like one of the rounds in 'I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue' really.........

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

[Beechwoods]

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

:lol: I know that one well ;) :doh:

[The Grand Wazoo]

:lol: I know that one well ;) :doh:

But which side of the gulf are you on?(!!)

[Beechwoods]

:uhho: Eh? You startin a fight ;) :lol:

[The Grand Wazoo]

:uhho: Eh? You startin a fight ;) :lol:

A fight?????

Erm.........well, I don't relish the thought of another one of those for a while thanks. As you know, the last one I got myself into got broken up by teacher!

[Beechwoods]

He he he. Don't worry :)

[Ian Walker]

For all manner of hilarium look here.
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk

[The Grand Wazoo]

I bought a parrot from a friend for £100.

After a few days, the parrot got sick and died, so I asked my friend for my money back.

"Sorry", said my friend, "tough luck, it's not my fault it died, anyway I’ve already spent the cash".

"That's okay", I told him, "I'll just raffle it ".

My friend said "You can't raffle off a dead parrot, you idiot!”.

A week later, I met my friend and he asked me how the parrot raffle went, so I told him "I made £898 from that parrot".

"How?!" exclaimed my friend.

"I bought it from you for £100, and sold 500 raffle tickets at two quid each".

"Yeah, but wasn't anyone angry that the parrot was dead?" asked my friend.

I replied: "Just the guy that won, so I gave him his money back".

[Mike]

Surely not! :scratch:

http://www.buttressandsnatch.co.uk/

[Beechwoods]

Surely is!

[Spod]

Its an old one, but in case there's someone out there who hasn't already seen this -
(read the customer reviews) (http://www.amazon.co.uk/PAUL-ROSS-Canvas-Print-MirrorPrintStore/dp/B001N6W8U0)

[Mike]

Apple does it again.

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.


The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always
complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[aquapiranha]

Its an old one, but in case there's someone out there who hasn't already seen this -
(read the customer reviews) (http://www.amazon.co.uk/PAUL-ROSS-Canvas-Print-MirrorPrintStore/dp/B001N6W8U0)

Haha brilliant! :lolsign::lolsign:

[DSJR]

Received tonite :-

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was

better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and

frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.



Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going

to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results,

I will judge who does the better job."



So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.



Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly

flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of

course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word

known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their

computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile,Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from

the past two hours of work..

Satan observed this and became irate.



"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has

all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

Jesus SAVES !!!

[Mike]

Jesus SAVES !!!

And Buddha makes incremental backups! ;)

[Ali Tait]

You nicked that!! :lolsign:

[Beechwoods]

You're not the only one who noticed!

[DSJR]

Have I done something wrong?

Aspergics don't usually have a sense of humour, but I rather liked this one and thought I'd share this, as I get sent loads...

[Beechwoods]

No Dave - it was Mike who nicked his subsequent punchline, bit of an inside joke I think!

[DSJR]

Left outside alone? OK.......;)

[Ali Tait]

It's in Nick Gorham's signature on his Audio-Talk site,hence the "nicked" comment! :)

[Mike]

It's in Nick Gorham's signature on his Audio-Talk site,hence the "nicked" comment! :)

It is... I confess! ;)

I still think it's funny though :)

[Ali Tait]

Yeah me too. :)

[Mike Reed]

A long-haul B.A. passenger sitting in the front seat was approached by an attendant,

"Are you having dinner, sir?", she asked.

"What are my options?", the passenger enquired.

"Yes or no", she replied.




A lorry driver on a country road saw the 'low bridge' sign too late and got stuck under it.

The queue of traffic lengthened behind him as he awaited assistance.

The police arrived, and a smug looking police officer got out of his vehicle and strolled up to the driver's cab.

" Got stuck, eh?" the officer smirked.

"Not at all, officer", the driver retorted, "I just ran out of fuel whilst transporting this bridge",

[Marco]

Hehe... :eyebrows:

Good to see you back, Mike. I look forward to having a proper chat on the main areas of the forum :)

Marco.

[Mike Reed]

A female teacher at a polytechnic college was exhorting her students about the vital exam the following day.

" There will be no excuses for non-attendance tomorrow," she said.

I may accept a nuclear explosion, death or serious illness in the family or a life-threatening accident, but that's it!", she declared.

"What if I come in suffering from total sexual exhaustion?" said a male voice from the back of the class.

When the sniggering and shuffling had subsided, the teacher replied

"Then you'd have to write with the other hand!"

[aquapiranha]

Jesus is on the cross, he looks down at his diciples gathered around him and says...
"Fear not my brothers, for I shall return in three days. And no-one touches my easter egg while I am gone"

[stonetostone]

Wife calls up hubby and said "i have run out of petrol and i am scared to fill up because of swine flu". He said "you daft sod that is Mexico not Texaco."

[stonetostone]

Just won an holiday to Mexico but cannot go I am pig sick.

[stonetostone]

Did you hear about the overweight,alcoholic transvestite.
All he wanted to do was eat,drink and be Mary.

[Prince of Darkness]

An Aberdonian was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better
and better to the lonely Scot.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her
and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Aberdonian started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[Mike]

>
>
> Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
> life; is this true?
> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
> that's it... Don't waste them on exercise.
> Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will
> not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
> extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to
> live longer? Take a nap.
>
>
>
> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
> vegetables?
> A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
> eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a
> steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
> delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
> chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
> leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
> recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
>
> Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
> A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
> Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water
> out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness
> that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
> Bottoms up!
>
> Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
> A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is
> one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one,
> etc.
>
> Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a
> regular exercise program?
> A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
> is: No Pain...Good!
>
> Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?
> A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
> .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact,
> they're permeated in it. How could getting more
> vegetables be bad for you?
>
> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
> around the middle?
> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
> bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
> bigger stomach.
>
>
> Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
> A: Are you crazy?
> HELLO
> Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
> feel-good food around!
>
>
> Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
> A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to
> me.
>
>
> Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
> A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
>
>
> Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may
> have had about food and diets.
>
>
> And remember:
>
>
> 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
> intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
> preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay
> in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used
> up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a
> Ride'
>
>
>
>
> AND......
>
>
> For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the
> final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to
> know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
> studies.
>
>
> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer
> heart attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer
> heart attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
> sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
> Americans.
>
>
> CONCLUSION
>
>
> Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
> what kills you. ............ ..
>
>

[gary]

An American lawyer and an Scotsman are sitting next to each other on a
long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Scotsmen are so dumb that he
could put something over on them easily. So the lawyer asks if the
Scotsman would like to play a fun game.


The Scotsman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks. The American lawyer persists,
and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you
don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I
don't know the answer, I will pay you £500, he says. This catches the
Scotsman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the
game.


The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'
The Scotsman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a
five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.


Now, it's the Scotsman's turn. He asks the lawyer,
'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find
on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to
no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up
the Scotsman and hands him £500. The Scotsman pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep.


The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Scotsman
up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?'


The Scotsman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to
sleep.

Don't mess with the Scots.

[gary]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So,
he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex... The
owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly,
he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number
was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry,
it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is
rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Paddy replied, "No it
ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all. My wife won twice last week."

[gary]

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day and said,
'Alastair, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back
Middle England'.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats,
some proper green wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador.
Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in
Little Something or other, and we'll show we really enjoy the
countryside .......... Oh and remember not to mention the Hunting with
Dogs Act.'

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out and with
the requisite labrador at heel, they set off from London. Eventually
they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely
country pub and with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood
please' said Brown.

'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it
is, coming up.'

Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes,
nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog
lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about
how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not
paying the council tax. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar
opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He
walked up to the labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath,
shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments
later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure. To the
bewilderment of Brown and Darling people of all ages and gender
followed suit over the next hour. Eventually, unable to stand it any
longer, Darling called the landlord over.

'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in and look
under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told
them that there was a labrador in this bar with two ######holes'.

[gary]

Paddy buys a bath and takes it back next day complaining water keeps running out.

Manager says "Did you buy a plug ?"

Paddy says "You cunt you never said it was electric."

[Mike]

http://img29.imageshack.us/img29/9821/pic28157.jpg
By shian7 (http://profile.imageshack.us/user/shian7) at 2009-05-21

[Mike]

http://img29.imageshack.us/img29/8921/pic22241.jpg
By shian7 (http://profile.imageshack.us/user/shian7) at 2009-05-21

[The Grand Wazoo]

In the USA they used to say when a black man becomes President, pigs will fly.

Just 100 days after Obama's election.......and lo & behold!!

Pig's 'flu

[The Grand Wazoo]

Exercise for people over 40

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 0.5 kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.


Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 1 kg potato bags. Then try 5 kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 15 kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

(I'm at this level & it's taken me years to get here.)



After you feel confident at that level, you can try putting a potato in each bag.

[REM]

So you're stood at the bar in a crowded pub. Suddenly you realise you've just got to fart. No problem, the music is really loud, so you time it to let it out on the beat. A couple of tunes later you're done, you finish your pint, then you notice everyone is looking at you...






then you remember you were listening to your iPod.......

[Covenant]

So you're stood at the bar in a crowded pub. Suddenly you realise you've just got to fart. No problem, the music is really loud, so you time it to let it out on the beat. A couple of tunes later you're done, you finish your pint, then you notice everyone is looking at you...






then you remember you were listening to your iPod.......

That reminds me of something I did many years ago. I was in a girlfriends house waiting for her to get ready, sitting with her mum and dad. They gave me the paper to read and I got absorbed in an article. Forgetting where I was I lifted a cheek and let blast. Instantly I remembered where I was and just stayed hidden behind the paper until the girlfriend was ready.

[Marco]

Hehehe... I've never understood why lifting a cheek was necessary, though... The 'pumpette' will out itself no matter what's in the way! :eyebrows:

How long did that relationship last for then, Cov?

Marco.

[Covenant]

The reason we all lift a cheek is because its much more satisfying to let rip rather than sneak it out.
The relationship lasted a long time but I didnt see her parents for a good while. :lol:

[Mike Reed]

A man boards an aircraft with his six children, and as they were negotiating their way into the seats, a woman, who had been watching this procedure, leans over and asks the man

" Are those all your children?"

"No", retorted the man facetiously, " I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints".

[The Grand Wazoo]

I don't know how true this is, but apparently it was Letter of the Year in The Times.......

Letter from a 98 yr. old lady to her bank manager:

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8..
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client

[Mike Reed]

Three elderly golfers were making their way down the fairway when one says to his companions,

" 60 is the worst age of all. You spend most of the time wanting to pee, but very little comes out."

"I disagree." said another, " 70 is a much worse age. You don't have proper bowel movements any more. You take laxatives, eat bran and sit on the toilet most of the day, to little effect."

"Good Lord, no!" said the third man. "80 is by far the worst age."

"Do you have trouble peeing as well?" the 60 year old asked.

"Heavens, no," replied the former, "I pee like a racehorse at 6 o'clock every morning."

"Well, do you have trouble with your bowel movements?" asked the 70 year old.

"Nope, I poop regularly at 6.30 in the morning like a good'un," replied the octogenarian.

"So why on Earth is being eighty such a terrible age?" chorused the younger two.

"I don't wake up until seven" retorted the old man.


MORAL Ageing is bad for your health.

[The Grand Wazoo]

Good one, Mike!

I've been meaning to put the following up for a couple of days now:
It is raining, and the little town of Greater Nipplescratch looks totally deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit and there's no end in sight.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a pair of fifty pound notes on the reception counter, and asks the hotelier what sort of room he can get for this sort of outlay.

The hotel owner tells him that for £100 a night, he can have any room in the place, and a big bowl of fruit will be delivered as a personal gift, room service will be charged at a discount of 35% and that he will personally clean his shoes & deliver his morning paper. Furthermore, if the room of his choice is occupied, he'll move the guest to a different room & have the cleaners come in, despite it being their day off, and it will be cleaned to sparkling, spotless perfection.

The tourist says this sounds like an excellent offer, the elderly bell-boy takes the bunch of keys the hotelier is holding up and he shows him upstairs to inspect the rooms in order to make his choice.

The hotelier takes the £100 and runs off down the road to to pay off his debt to the butcher.

Smith, the butcher takes the £100 and gets into his van & drives down to Giles the farmer's place to pay his overdue meat bill.

Giles takes the £100 and gets in his tractor, drives into town to pay his debt to the feed merchant.

Morrison, the feed merchant takes the £100 and, first making sure no-one is following, goes down to the seedier part of town to pay his debt to the prostitute, who in such hard times, had offered "services" to her best customers on credit.

Nancy runs to the hotel, and pays off her £100 debt to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotelier then lays the cash back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything. At that moment, the tourist & the bell-boy come back downstairs after inspecting the rooms. He takes his two £50 notes, and before he leaves, he says that as the bad weather looks like it's clearing up a bit, he's going to drive on to the next town, where he might try to look up an old school friend.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and everyone looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
But deep down, they know that things will get much worse before they get better.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the entire Western World is doing business right now, today.

[Mike Reed]

(Thanks, CHRIS)

A Scotsman walks into an Amsterdam brothel and asks for the hourly rate.

"100 euros", the prostitute answered.

"How much for a Scottish style session?" he asked.

"Don't do that,", she answered, wondering what it was. Negotiations and exhortations continued up to 500 euros, when the hooker thought to herself 'I've done everything else, so this Scottish style thing can't be THAT bad.'

"Okay, then," she finally said, "I'll do it for 500 euros."

Many hours passed, with every conceivable position and way explored to the full.

"Wow; that was fantastic," she exclaimed at the end. "I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting, so where does the 'Scottish style' thing come in?"

The Scotman replied, "I'll pay ye next week."


NB There's a grave danger of some jokes being repeated as this thread is now so long, so apologies if this one's been done before, as I have a vague memory of a series of Scottish jokes kicking this thread off.

[The Grand Wazoo]

As long as it's still open season on our provincial brothers, I'll offer the following.

Mrs Wazoo has cleared this one on the sexual politics front............

McFinley and Mackay, are sitting in the pub discussing Mackay's forthcoming wedding.

"Och Ay, grand, grand.......it's all going grand," says Mackay.

"I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the Kirk, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..."

McFinley nods approvingly.

"Jings Mon, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Mackay.

"A kilt?" exclaims McFinley, "that's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! "And what's the tartan?"

"Och," says Mackay, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

[Marco]

LOL! The only problem, Chris, is that NO Scotsman I know would ever come out with expressions such as "Jings Mon", etc, so allow me to re-write it for you in more realistic language:


McFinley and Mackay, are sitting in the pub discussing Mackay's forthcoming wedding.

"Nae bother, by the way, pure excellent, pure excellent.......it's aw gawn pure excellent," says Mackay.

"Uv goat the lot sortit oot, so ah huv: the flewers, the Kirk, the moaturs [not pronouncing the 't'], the reception, the rings, the high heid yin, even ma stag night..."

McFinley nods approvingly.

"Mental bastart that a am, av even boat a kilt tae get merrit in!" continues Mackay.

"A kilt?" exclaims McFinley, "that's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! "And what's the tartan?"

"Huvnae goat a scoobie," says Mackay, "Ad imagine she'll be in white..."


Trust me, that's much more like it now!! :lol: :lol:

Marco.

[Mike Reed]

D'ye ken? A Glaswegian translation service on this esteemed forum !!

Whatever next?

[Marco]

My linguistic talents are endless, dontcha know!

Marco.

P.S "Gorbaldegook" was a nice touch ;)

[The Grand Wazoo]

LOL! The only problem, Chris, is that NO Scotsman I know would ever come out with expressions such as "Jings Mon", etc

Well, Marco, you don't know'em all & Scotland reaches further than Glasgow, mate. I had a student work for me when I was in Dumfries & Galloway who said jings in almost every sentence he said. Funny enough, he ended up in North Wales too! - near Welshpool, I think.

But I never once heard him say "Hoo th'noo broon coo"

[Marco]

LOL. You're right, Chris. I think it was the "mon" along with the "jings" that just swung it too much into 'Jings, crivens, help ma boab' territory! ;)

'There's a moose loose aboot this hoose', and all that nonsense.

Mind you, 'tcheuchters' (look that one up if you're unfamiliar with the expression) often talk that way... But they're all 'aff their heids'!! :eyebrows:

Marco.

[Barry]

LOL. You're right, Chris. I think it was the "mon" along with the "jings" that just swung it too much into 'Jings, crivens, help ma boab' territory! ;)

'There's a moose loose aboot this hoose', and all that nonsense.

Mind you, 'tcheuchters' (look that one up if you're unfamiliar with the expression) often talk that way... But they're all 'aff their heids'!! :eyebrows:

Marco.

Isn't this what is known as 'broad Scots' and 'tucheucters' are southern Scots or borderers? We use to have a Scots guy (hailing from Dunoon) work with us who would often use the phrase 'Yeuchter tueuchter' which we took as meaning ' You useless southerner'!

Regards

[Marco]

Hi Barry,

Nooooooo... :eyebrows: *Well*, more accurately, that's not how people from Glasgow used the word.

"Tcheuchters" were anyone who had a 'funny' (generally Northern) Scottish accent and/or vocabulary, say, people from the North East up by Aberdeen (and also Fife), who have a habit of saying 'ken' after every sentence, or further up around Inverness, or from the Highlands and Islands. It's a kind of 'och aye the noo' way of speaking which Glaswegians, and people from the Central West of Scotland in general, always poked fun at :)

People from Edinburgh were referred to as "weejies". Well there was always a bit of 'niggle' between people from Edinburgh and Glasgow, as in general their character traits and outlook were rather different.

Marco.

[Beechwoods]

as in general their character traits and outlook were rather different.

Aye, all the toffs live in Edinburgh!!

:uhho:

[Mike]

Tcheuchtcer

(noun) A country fellow, particularly from the more rural parts of the Highlands and Islands of Scotland. Often a Gaelic speaker.

[Marco]

Mikey,

There's no 'c' after the last 't', as far as I know...

'Tcheuchter' is how I know it used, and this works with how it's pronounced: 'choochter'. If it were 'Tcheuchtcer', it would be pronounced as 'choochtser' or 'choochtker' :)

Marco - your friendly resident linguist ;)

[Mike]

Oops, slip of the keyboard. ;) Got it from here:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tcheuchter

[Mike Reed]

. .





The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf !'

[REM]

A Bad Time For Honesty

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'MateMatch'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando , Florida if you win. What is your name? First name only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."-3 minutes of commercials follow

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"(touch tones.... Ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away o r you'll lose. So do you know the rules of 'MateMatch'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando , Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the ass....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "OK Folks, we need to take a station break.....

[DaveK]

A friend of ours thought that he had got Swine Flu earlier this week so he rang the Swine Flu hotline - all he got was cracklin' !!


Think about it :)
Cheers,

[Mike Reed]

The Second Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this time!'

[Mike]

How tough are Australians ?

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire
flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.
Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from
Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider
there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a
crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by.
I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said,
'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider
on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and
made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet
it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one
gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin the Australain remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

[Mike Reed]

Buddy and his wife Freda went to the state fair every year,
And every year Buddy would say,
'Freda, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Freda always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Freda went to the fair, and Buddy said,
'Freda, I'm 85 years old...
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Freda replied,
"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.''
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Buddy and Freda agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'
Buddy replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Freda fell out,
But you know,
"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

[Mike Reed]

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'

[Covenant]

I like mortuary jokes:
A mortician said to his young assistant "I will be out this afternoon, dont mess with the bodies, especially that 18 year old girl in cabinet 6".
Later that day he returns and the assistant says "that girl in cabinet 6 has got a prawn between her legs". "Its not a prawn" said the mortician "Its a clitoris". "Oh" said the assistant "It tastes like a prawn".

[Beechwoods]

http://peopleofwalmart.com/

Tell me this isn't a strangely compulsive page turner!

[Alex_UK]

Thanks for that Nick - a work of genius, methinks!

[Beechwoods]

Someone needs to start a UK version!

[Alex_UK]

...Bottom of Page 10 (http://peopleofwalmart.com/?paged=10) - anyone recognise "her"?

[Beechwoods]

< Checks the show us what you look like! (http://theartofsound.net/forum/showthread.php?t=3435) thread >

[Beechwoods]

These guys are geniuses...

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