View Full Version : That Famous Scouse Humour
Went up to Liverpool at Christmas to see the folks. Got off the train and decided to pop into an off licence to buy some tobacco. There is a line and the young girl at the front is buying a wide assortment of booze.
'Have you got any Desperado?' she asks the assistant.
'Why?', says the bloke behind her in the queue. 'Have you come to yer senses?'
Just cracked me up. You don't get that anywhere else in the world.
Went up to Liverpool at Christmas to see the folks. Got off the train and decided to pop into an off licence to buy some tobacco. There is a line and the young girl at the front is buying a wide assortment of booze.
'Have you got any Desperado?' she asks the assistant.
'Why?', says the bloke behind her in the queue. 'Have you come to yer senses?'
Just cracked me up. You don't get that anywhere else in the world.
You do up in Glasgow - and sometimes even better banter (which is why Scousers and Glaswegians have so much in common)! ;)
That was rather funny, though! :D
I always enjoy going to Liverpool, and indeed do so at least once every couple of months, in order to buy our oriental/asian provisions from the relevant stores, eat some fab (proper) Chinese food in Mei Mei, and pop into Probe for some records! It's always a great day out :cool:
Marco.
Gordon Steadman
04-01-2014, 14:33
I'm either too old, too southern or too stupid but I cannot for the life of me see why that is funny or even contains humour of any kind:scratch:
Would some kind personage care to explain it for me??
I'm either too old, too southern or too stupid but I cannot for the life of me see why that is funny or even contains humour of any kind:scratch:
Would some kind personage care to explain it for me??
Desperado is a disgusting beer and tequila mix, but it's also a song by The Eagles. Maybe take a listen to to the first 2 lines of the song if you're not familiar with it.
Gordon Steadman
04-01-2014, 15:36
Desperado is a disgusting beer and tequila mix, but it's also a song by The Eagles. Maybe take a listen to to the first 2 lines of the song if you're not familiar with it.
Aha, Thanks for that Keith. I had no idea about the drink (it does sound disgusting indeed) but should have remembered the words to one of my favourite Eagles' ditties!!!
The rush into old age is gathering apace:(
Aha, Thanks for that Keith. I had no idea about the drink (it does sound disgusting indeed) but should have remembered the words to one of my favourite Eagles' ditties!!!
The rush into old age is gathering apace:(
I suspect you really needed to be there.
I always smile at one of Bill Byson's anecdotes where he pops into a jewelers shop in Liverpool. The chap in front of him in the queue asks the young lady behind the counter if they have any crusifixes for sale. She goes off to check and on her return says "are you after a plain one, or one with a little man on it".
My mother had many such anecdotes, eg the bloke who asked the bus driver 'Is this bus going to Speke?' to which the driver replied 'Don't think so pal, I've been driving it for 20 years and it's not spoke yet'.
Or the other bloke who complained when the bus stopped short of its advertised destination: 'But it says on the front it's going to the Pier Head!' The driver replies 'Yeah, it says India on the tyres, and we're not going there, neither'.
Covenant
05-01-2014, 17:27
As a born and bred scouser, I love their humour. A classic is the one about the Liverpool teacher who said to his class " stand up Hughes" to which the whole class promptly stood up.
If you want something really funny and uniquely Scottish, check out 'Taysiders in Space', one of the famous sketches from the 'Chewin' the Fat' series (if any southerners here can understand every word spoken, a special prize will be awarded):
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"Set phasers tae malky" - gotta be one of the funniest lines I've ever heard!! :lol:
Marco.
Merseyside Police have issued a bulletin for public attention:
"We have had notification that a vehicle has been sighted in the Wavertree area with a genuine in-date tax disc. Sightseers have been requested not to approach the car in large numbers for safety reasons" :lol:
If you want something really funny and uniquely Scottish, check out 'Taysiders in Space', one of the famous sketches from the 'Chewin' the Fat' series (if any southerners here can understand every word spoken, a special prize will be awarded):
"Set phasers tae malky" - gotta be one of the funniest lines I've ever heard!! :lol:
Marco.
I have watched Rab C. Nesbit enough times to get the gist of the lingo :eyebrows:
Lol... If you like that, check out the Big Man:
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I pish myself laughing whenever I see it!! :lol:
Marco.
That is funny...like Rab C Nesbit you sort of have to tune in to the lingo to understand it. No idea what 'malky' is, though.
As I understand it "Malky" means to bump someone off :eyebrows:
As I understand it "Malky" means to bump someone off :eyebrows:
Close:
Malky / Malkie - slang term originating from Glasgow & the West coast of Scotland, used to describe slashing someone with an open razor. Comes from the rhyming slang Malcom (Malky) Fraser (Razor
Merseyside Police have issued a bulletin for public attention:
"We have had notification that a vehicle has been sighted in the Wavertree area with a genuine in-date tax disc. Sightseers have been requested not to approach the car in large numbers for safety reasons" :lol:
Oy! Thats derogatory :p
Nah, it's merely factual! :D
Marco.
Close:
Malky / Malkie - slang term originating from Glasgow & the West coast of Scotland, used to describe slashing someone with an open razor. Comes from the rhyming slang Malcom (Malky) Fraser (Razor
Correctumundo!
I'll soon teach you all some gid Glesga Gangster slang... :eyebrows:
Who fancies having a go at translating this (only Englanders can apply):
"Ah pure sconed this dobber's coupon wi ma ginger boattle, and cracked him a dull yin, then chibbed the bawbag wi ma flicky, and left the zoomer mars-bar'd tae fuck, 'fore a pished oan him and popped him in the napper!"
Note that all submitted translations must be in text-book Queen's English.
Marco.
"Ah pure sconed this dobber's coupon wi ma ginger boattle, and cracked him a dull yin, then chibbed the bawbag wi ma flicky, and left the zoomer mars-bar'd tae fuck, 'fore a pished oan him and popped him in the napper!"
Note that all submitted translations must be in text-book Queen's English.
Marco.
"I did smite this chappie about the cranium and mandible with a bottle several times, then I tried to teach this fellow the noble art of how to fence using just a knife but he was somewhat reticent and I left him a tad dazed by that after a couple of gentle swishes by me. I couldn't find a public convenience, so I treated this boundah as a urinal don't you know"
:lolsign:
Quality, Frank! That's defo a 6.5 out of 10.
Anyone else fancy a go? :eyebrows:
Marco.
Meanwhile, a few lessons in Ned lingo from Rab McGlinchy:
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Marco.
Who fancies having a go at translating this (only Englanders can apply):
"Ah pure sconed this dobber's coupon wi ma ginger boattle, and cracked him a dull yin, then chibbed the bawbag wi ma flicky, and left the zoomer mars-bar'd tae fuck, 'fore a pished oan him and popped him in the napper!"
The Big Man translates: "I bashed this tosser's face with my fizzy-drink bottle [this was from the days when they were made of glass], gave him a right sore one, then stabbbed the wanker with my flick-knife, and left the asshole brutally slashed/scarred, before I pissed on him and shot him in the head!"
Well, chaps, you know what they say: if you're going to do a job, do it right! :D
Does anyone know what a 'Glasgow send-off' is?
Marco.
I love those 'Big Man' sketches, must have wayched them half a dozen times now, pissing myself laughing. 'Don't go walkin' yer dog on the spare ground after dark.'
Don't know why I've never heard of it before, was it one of those 'viewers in Scotland will have their own programme' things?
Yeah, dude, strictly BBC 1 Scotland... It's all on YouTube now, though! :)
Marco.
P.S A 'Glasgow send-off' is when you shoot someone up the arse: a rather slow and painful death...
"I bashed this tosser's face with my fizzy-drink bottle [this was from the days when they were made of glass], gave him a right sore one, then stabbbed the wanker with my flick-knife, and left the asshole brutally slashed/scarred, before I pissed on him and shot him in the head!"
...A 'Glasgow send-off' is when you shoot someone up the arse: a rather slow and painful death...
Ever thought of working for the Scottish Tourist Board Marco? :lol:
Hey, I never thought of that! :D
You should read some of the 'little novels' I've written about Glasgow gangsters - not for the faint-hearted..... :eyebrows:
Marco.
archiesdad
08-01-2014, 19:16
Yeah, dude, strictly BBC 1 Scotland... It's all on YouTube now, though! :)
Marco.
P.S A 'Glasgow send-off' is when you shoot someone up the arse: a rather slow and painful death...
Oops, first read I saw "shoot up someones arse", although I hear it can lead to a similar conclusion if you're that way inclined.
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