The tyranny of hi-fi [Archive] - The Art of Sound Forum

The Outcast

31-08-2013, 14:36

This may invoke some negative criticism though i am willing to take it on the chin. I write of a personal experience that may or may not have been experienced in the past by others. About six years ago i was given the cold shoulder by friends of many years standing. At the time i put it down to my divorce and other matters. Over the years i found out that a lot of it was down to Hi-Fi matters. I couldn't bring myself to believe it. One of these people was a person who had known me from childhood and very close indeed. In recent months i happened to be in the my local dealer in Stockton on Tees (By far the best hifi dealer i have ever dealt with.) and two of my dear friends of years gone by were there, I was blanked by both. This is a pityful tale and from what i have been lead to believe was caused by petty jelousy.
This is indeed the tyranny of Hi-fi. Though i have not communicated with these individuals for many years i know that their hifi equipment is far better in many respects than mine their boxes of capsitors, resistors, transformers, etc etc are just that!!!! the language of music should trancend this and yet as i now find myself as my forum name suggests, The Outcast! I love music first and my Hi-fi a very close second though i have to warn all that a bizarre jelousy exists between friends that cannot at first be identified. It's only when it's all gone wrong that you know it's happened and in my case it is ireversable. Hifi in many cases remains the concept of male jewellry, almost war feathers to which intimidate or impress a rival enthusiast.
This of course does not apply to everyone as i have some amazing friends who remain my closest pals and like me own some great hifi gear. I decided to post this for two reasons. First of all to inform all that this could happen to you though you may not know it and to explain the reason behind my forum name.
Until resently i was set to attempt for the very last time to make things right between myself and my former dearest friend, however, it dawned on me that if this is all that people care about do i want them in my life? I think not! f..k em!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, i can hear you say that this guy is a bascket case, paranoid weird f..k. My intention however as a rational man is to bring this phenomena to your attention and look out for the first signs of it as if you don't nip it in the bud it could cost you a friendship. Please don't fall victim to the tyranny of hifi!:scratch:

Rare Bird

31-08-2013, 14:42

People! don't trust any of them..

Macca

31-08-2013, 14:49

They must be terribly shallow people and desperately unhappy. You don't need wankers like that in your life, they will only bring you down.

Reasons to fall out with friends:

Unacceptable: Money, politics, religion, music

Acceptable: Women, football

That's how I see it anyways :)

chelsea

31-08-2013, 14:55

How bizarre.

The Outcast

31-08-2013, 14:57

Indeed Martin. Though i cannot comment on matters of Football. I am originally from Hartlepool!

They must be terribly shallow people and desperately unhappy. You don't need wankers like that in your life, they will only bring you down.

Reasons to fall out with friends:

Unacceptable: Money, politics, religion, music

Acceptable: Women, football

That's how I see it anyways :)

walpurgis

31-08-2013, 15:02

Martin is right.

People are only worth what they think of you! if somebody offends me or lets me down, regardless of how well (or not) I got on with them, I just write them off as being of no value to me and therefore I'm losing nothing by not having anything further to do with them.

Macca

31-08-2013, 15:13

In the words of Karl Pilkington - 'You only need seven friends to get you through life. Look at Snow White: Seven dwarves and she had everything covered.'

Marco

31-08-2013, 15:22

Excellent post, Hesketh. You're certainly well rid of those assholes! Thing is, did you ever find out exactly what they were jealous of? That's the burning question I'm left with after reading your story...

Oh, and I agree about Hi-Fi Sound in Stockton-upon-Tees, if that's who you were referring to. Simon is indeed a top chap - one of the very few genuine good guys in the business today. He works way too hard, though!

Marco.

loo

31-08-2013, 15:34

Hi, I prefer a more positive attitude when it comes to friends and people in general. Did you really make any effort to reinstate your friendship with your friends in the shop or did you wait for them to approach you. People have allsorts of crap in their lives any losing touch or falling out with people can be a symptom of this .I would encourage you to try again with an emotional and honest approach explaining what those friendships brought you and what you miss about them ,and explaining that whatever brought about the riff was unimportant. If they still blank you then you know they are twats:)
best Paul

southall-1998

31-08-2013, 18:30

People! don't trust any of them..

:exactly:

Marco

31-08-2013, 19:18

Yes, cats are better.

Marco.

walpurgis

01-09-2013, 11:26

And dogs! :)

http://i42.tinypic.com/rv9gtf.jpg

southall-1998

01-09-2013, 12:05

And dogs! :)

http://i42.tinypic.com/rv9gtf.jpg

Good one, Geoff :)

Marco

02-09-2013, 16:33

Oldpinkman

03-09-2013, 05:37

Fortunately none of my friends (apart from the pros) are remotely interested in hifi. They all think i'm completely bonkers, so no risk of jealousy there. Divorce, by contrast does weed out the chaff. And much better for it.

The Outcast

03-09-2013, 05:39

Cheers Marco Sorry to keep you waiting for waiting.

Thanks for your support guys. really appreciated. It really has knocked me a little. I simply don't understand it all and it's all left me somewhat wary of people. I often think that people lose sight of what is important and become too focused on their obsessions. I thought i would bore you all with my experience as i want it to serve as a warning to others. Family and true friends are important. Hi-fi equipment is only important when it is your main passion though not s important than family and friends.
Now that i have been outcast by people who pretended to be my friends i am gaining strength from people who are true to me. Thanks to all the folks who replied to this thread.

H
:popcorn: :popcorn:

Marco.

Marco

03-09-2013, 05:52

No problem, Hesketh. It's good to get things off of your chest. Forgive me, though, as I'm a little confused. You wrote:

"Over the years i found out that a lot of it was down to Hi-Fi matters. I couldn't bring myself to believe it. One of these people was a person who had known me from childhood and very close indeed. In recent months i happened to be in the my local dealer in Stockton on Tees (By far the best hifi dealer i have ever dealt with.) and two of my dear friends of years gone by were there, I was blanked by both. This is a pityful tale and from what i have been lead to believe was caused by petty jelousy."

Why did they both blank you? That bit is unclear. Were you spending more money than they were, perhaps?

Yet you also stated that:

"I know that their hifi equipment is far better in many respects than mine."

So if their equipment was far better than yours, what exactly were they jealous of? Your account of what happened at the dealer doesn't really explain this, so perhaps you could clarify? It's just that I can't see where this apparent jealousy has arisen from... :)

Marco.

The Outcast

03-09-2013, 15:17

because every time i bought something different they went and bought something far more elaborate and expensive. One upmanship at its worst.

AlexM

03-09-2013, 16:45

Oh dear. that would really be quite pathetic if jealousy was the reason for their actions. Jealousy can be a poison, but I've not encountered that in the context of a strong friendship or with Hi-Fi. I am alway delighted for people I know to get something that they've wanted for a long time.

If that had happened to me, I would certainly have not let it lie, and would have sought them out in order to find out what the reason for their behaviour is. Are you absolutely sure there isn't something else going on between you?. Take it from me (who can do no wrong in my own eyes :lol:), that others don't necessarily share that view and sometimes offence can be caused without you realising. So here is my crash course to fixing problems with friendships or any relationship that matters:

Firstly, set aside your own hurt feelings and anger towards them
State your committment to the relationship, and tell them why you value it
Express willingness and interest in sorting it out because you value their friendship and want to right any wrongs.
Listen to what they have to say and don't judge whether it is valid (it is to them)
Identify what you should or could have done to have consistent with your own values and principles and where you went wrong, and re-commitment to the relationship
Identify with the impact your actions had on them, and apologise for that genuinely
Leave your ego at home :)

I'm only saying this because one of the people you mentioned seems to have been a life-long friend, and we don't have too many of those...It can be a very powerful approach to detoxifying damaged relationships and you would be amazed what can be achieved, even where things have festered for far too long. If you care then you owe it to yourself to do what you can to sort it out. At least you won't be wondering what might have happened if you had tried.

Of course, you could be right and they could just be dicks, in which case, hey-ho ;)

Cheers,
Alex

Audio Al

03-09-2013, 16:46

This does not only happen with HiFi

It happens in other walks of life as I have found out in the past :rolleyes:

I can sympathies with you

People can be so strange at times :scratch:

realysm42

03-09-2013, 16:51

This is the tyranny of people, not HiFi.

The Outcast

03-09-2013, 17:12

:scratch:I remember contacting one of these people who was a frind of over 40 years and asking him why he has chosen to shun me. he has yet to answer me. I even sent him a prophelactic apology and asked him what it was that i had done to offend him so. I was told by a close friend that he thought it was all down to the hifi and such things. All very upsetting and i am doing my damndest to put it behind me and move on. I have to focus on the way ahead. I remain the outcast though not for lond. As i forge new friendships it is getting easier though i miss my old friend dearly i intend to close the door on the matter.
Thanks again to the many folks who offered their thoughts here. I will now get back to banging on about hifi matters.

Marco

03-09-2013, 18:39

because every time i bought something different they went and bought something far more elaborate and expensive. One upmanship at its worst.

Ah, thanks for the added info. All is now clear. You omitted that rather crucial fact from your story ;)

I abhor one-upmanship in anything, as well as petty jealousy, so I'm with you there! Glad you're moving on now, though. It seems that your 'friend' just wasn't worth it.

sq225917

03-09-2013, 18:44

Hesketh, I guarantee that my simple life plan will help you through.

F_ck em! If they are really like that then they aren't worth worrying about. Move on.

Marco

03-09-2013, 18:47

So here is my crash course to fixing problems with friendships or any relationship that matters:

Firstly, set aside your own hurt feelings and anger towards them
State your committment to the relationship, and tell them why you value it
Express willingness and interest in sorting it out because you value their friendship and want to right any wrongs.
Listen to what they have to say and don't judge whether it is valid (it is to them)
Identify what you should or could have done to have consistent with your own values and principles and where you went wrong, and re-commitment to the relationship
Identify with the impact your actions had on them, and apologise for that genuinely
Leave your ego at home :)

There's some excellent advice in there, Alex, which people would do well to heed!

Marco.

walpurgis

03-09-2013, 18:56

F_ck em! If they are really like that then they aren't worth worrying about. Move on.

Yes, largely what I also said! A good philosophy.

I try not to talk about Hi-Fi in company, but if it's mentioned in conversation, I'll chip in. There are people who have bragged about their 'Hi-Fi' (the kind of guys who'd be mystified if you mentioned: moving coil, electrostatic, Class A, etc.) only to be very put out on hearing mine, which invariably proves to be vastly superior to theirs and often for much less cost. That rather puts the 'one uppers' in their place.

Rare Bird

03-09-2013, 19:09

Why do people actually need friends i ask?

Marco

03-09-2013, 20:25

When you get really good ones you can rely on, dude, (like I have with Snapper and others you don't know), then you won't have to ask that question! ;)

Marco.

istari_knight

03-09-2013, 20:58

Aye, there's loads of t*ssers out there but every now & then you meet a diamond geezer that makes it all worthwhile :thumbsup:

MartinT

03-09-2013, 21:29

I can honestly say that I've never experienced such a thing with any of my friends. Most of them are not great hi-fi or music fans, anyway, and those friendships are proper ones, not subject to some petty behaviour over trivialities. As others have said, you really are better off without such people and I would not make any attempt to rekindle such 'friendships'.

One caveat: it is almost impossible to maintain a friendship with a woman once you have crossed the boundary with them and subsequently stopped. Even so, I have one female friend who will always be a true friend despite the fact that we have 'history' together.

pjdowns

03-09-2013, 21:29

Hesketh,

This sound dreadful and pathetic to think that a lifelong friend could push you aside due to Hifi or anything come to that!!

Personally I don't have a lot of friends due to the fact that I am a very blunt individual who doesn't suffer fools gladly, well at all, so I treasure those 'good' friends.

Jealously can be a funny thing though, it's surprising and very disappointing how much it can affect daily life and relationships!

Paul.

pjdowns

03-09-2013, 21:31

One caveat: it is almost impossible to maintain a friendship with a woman once you have crossed the boundary with them and subsequently stopped

Totally agree with you on this one Martin!

Cotlake

03-09-2013, 22:50

I've just read this complete thread through and actually, my conclusion is 'The Outcast' is withholding critical information. Otherwise, the reactions of his previous friends make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Now, if the problem as hinted at was about the purchase of new hi-Fi products, and his friends spent more and bought something supposedly better, is the crux that Outcast managed on a lower budget to obtain a better sound? Regardless, in my DIY world, when friends hear something good I have done, there is no jealousy or negative response. Rather, my friends ask, what needs to be done so my system can also benefit in the same way and frankly, I'll go out of my way to facilitate them because there is nothing more satisfying than making a substantial improvement to your sound system and then sharing it with others for their own benefit.

Actually, I'm gobsmacked at the whole ethos exposed by all you other posters here. I don't think any of you are thinking very deeply. I suspect 'Outcast' is simply being a bit of an attention seeker. If he can't come fully clean about his real situation, maybe it is reasonable that he stew in his own juice, or at least in honesty seek a way forward that might make him feel better in himself.

Let's cut the crap, Outcast. (IMO) come clean and expose all the facts or if not, just relax and listen contentedly to your system. Absolutely no need for any attention seeking here. It's not good for you and not good for the forum.

The Outcast

04-09-2013, 05:19

I will do the second thing and listen to the music. You are wide of the mark with your views though. But thanks for your input anyway.

Cotlake

04-09-2013, 20:20

I will do the second thing and listen to the music. You are wide of the mark with your views though. But thanks for your input anyway.

Good choice. I may be wide of the mark on my views but then again, you would say that, wouldn't you? After all, your signature statement rather shows where you are at. You could of course, seek out some support to help you deal with your issues. There is really no point going on in life afflicted by something that might easily be corrected. Good luck. I wish you the very best for the future.

walpurgis

04-09-2013, 20:32

You know, sometimes it's possible to be a little too forthright!

pjdowns

04-09-2013, 20:39

You know, sometimes it's possible to be a little too forthright!

:lol:

Cotlake

04-09-2013, 20:54

You know, sometimes it's possible to be a little too forthright!

Sometimes, especially in our wooly expectation politically correct society, it's good to say it how it should be said. It helps those who need the help to actually realise what they really need to do!

walpurgis

04-09-2013, 20:59

"those who need the help" might be inclined to punch one on the hooter unless tact is used. :)

The Grand Wazoo

04-09-2013, 21:08

...fine advice indeed from Mr Tact himself!

walpurgis

04-09-2013, 21:11

...fine advice indeed from Mr Tact himself!

Of course! ;)

Joe

04-09-2013, 21:17

MartinT

04-09-2013, 21:33

Actually, I'm gobsmacked at the whole ethos exposed by all you other posters here.

In one fell swoop you manage to insult everyone here. Nice work.

The Grand Wazoo

04-09-2013, 21:38

Isn't a prophelactic a condom?

No.
However, a condom is a prophylactic.

Cotlake

04-09-2013, 21:39

"those who need the help" might be inclined to punch one on the hooter unless tact is used. :)

Hmmm, if a subject needs help, I doubt they will have the motivation to punch the helper on the nose, and if they do, so what? These days, the use of tact is so expected and utilised in a way that the message fails to get across. Tact is nice but soft and dilutes the message that needs to be delivered. Sometimes being blunt ensures the message that needs to be conveyed properly gets across as originally intended.

chelsea

04-09-2013, 21:42

Not sure if i'am reading it right.

Your 2 friends blanked you because your stereo was better than there's,but now there stereo is better than yours but still won't talk to you.

Very weird.

walpurgis

04-09-2013, 21:46

These days, the use of tact is so expected and utilised in a way that the message fails to get across. Tact is nice but soft and dilutes the message that needs to be delivered. Sometimes being blunt ensures the message that needs to be conveyed properly gets across as originally intended.

You weren't an NCO in the army by any chance?

Cotlake

04-09-2013, 22:06

In one fell swoop you manage to insult everyone here. Nice work.

Well, I don't agree. No-one was insulted. I've simply made a personal observation on the responses submitted. I wasn't rude to you or any other poster. I expressed my opinion that maybe contributors were not thinking through deeply enough what Hesketh was posting. It might be worthwhile reflecting on how posters have massaged Hesketh's nonsense until I chipped in. Certainly things changed thereafter. In my view, his response to me rather confirms that I was on the right track.He needs to get his issues sorted out and contributors here would benefit from thinking through in more detail the OP's original contribution and also the posts of others before they respond. Otherwise, you will continue to feed Heaketh's beast.

Cotlake

04-09-2013, 22:14

You weren't an NCO in the army by any chance?

No. Surely, your tactful expressions would not allow you to stereotype a fellow forum member so readily?

walpurgis

04-09-2013, 22:29

No. Surely, your tactful expressions would not allow you to stereotype a fellow forum member so readily?

No, it was just a question. Not an observation.

Cotlake

04-09-2013, 23:02

No, it was just a question. Not an observation.

Ha ha! OK, being tactful.........your previous post was probably simply intended to be a satirical statement. It failed because of your subsequent honest response. Thank you.

Honestly, I have no interest in winding people up or making enemies here. Quite the opposite is the case. I just read the whole thread from the beginning and in retrospect and balance, concluded that Hesketh probably needed some help rather than short sighted statements of posters that rather fed his hatred for old and lost friends. We still don't know the full facts, and actually, why should we? It's not our business. It would be good however if Hesketh has learned something from this thread that will prompt him towards obtaining a better quality of life. There is nothing worse than retained resentment. It stagnates and grows in the mind to become a total obsession, felt in the heart. Thereafter, if not sorted, all becomes miserable madness. I hope Hesketh sorts it out, really I do.

Marco

05-09-2013, 07:44

Honestly, I have no interest in winding people up or making enemies here. Quite the opposite is the case. I just read the whole thread from the beginning and in retrospect and balance, concluded that Hesketh probably needed some help rather than short sighted statements of posters that rather fed his hatred for old and lost friends. We still don't know the full facts, and actually, why should we? It's not our business. It would be good however if Hesketh has learned something from this thread that will prompt him towards obtaining a better quality of life. There is nothing worse than retained resentment. It stagnates and grows in the mind to become a total obsession, felt in the heart. Thereafter, if not sorted, all becomes miserable madness. I hope Hesketh sorts it out, really I do.

Excellent post, Greg! I can think of quite a few people that applies to, specifically (and especially) a rather infamous equipment designer (who would do well to heed your advice)... ;)

I also hope that Hesketh sorts out his problems soon, and that he has found posting here, and the advice he's received (both supportive and constructively critical), cathartic.

Marco.

AlexM

05-09-2013, 12:42

Excellent post, Greg! I can think of quite a few people that applies to, specifically (and especially) a rather infamous equipment designer (who would do well to heed your advice)... ;)

I also hope that Hesketh sorts out his problems soon, and that he has found posting here, and the advice he's received (both supportive and constructively critical), cathartic.

Marco.

Notwithstanding Greg's rather brusque style, I'd also fully agree with the highlighted portions. Whatever the facts are about Hesketh's situation, my experience is that you are rarely treated like that by others without cause. We are often blind to our own actions and the impact they may have on others. The attitude of some posters can be paraphrased as 'F**k 'em', but I think we all have an obligation to hold ourselves to account for actions and part in a disagreement and consider whether we have acted with integrity.

It is hard sometimes to see our role in bringing about situations such as these, and it is correct that we be prepared to explore that if we are interested in reaching a resolution. To do otherwise is simply pandering to our egos and taking the easy option by ascribing responsibility to others and deciding for ourselves where to assign blame.

I suggested to Hesketh that the reason for being in this situaton is probably not what he thinks it is (very improbable), and if he is interested in fixing it then he needs to expore that. If he doesn't want to do that then nothing will change. As he is apparently upset and embittered by what has happened, the onus is on him to make the next move, or choose to remain as he is.

Alex

Cotlake

05-09-2013, 19:59

Notwithstanding Greg's rather brusque style, I'd also fully agree with the highlighted portions.

Thank you Alex. There is no point in me trying to defend my blunt style. That's how I am and those who know me (several on here) expect me to be like that. I do however have a bit of an issue with the modern softly softly approach when talking to others who might be suffering in their heads. IMHO, sometimes these people very much need to be presented with a blunt approach to jolt them into the realisation of what they need. They often simply want some leadership and direction whilst the modern approach is little more than empathetic listening, with a hope that as a result, they might be lucky enough to discover for themselves the solution to their problems, after sound boarding off the listener/counsellor. .As you will expect, I have very little time for modern counselling techniques. My bluntness is not designed to be unkind or aggressive, albeit I acknowledge that others may read me that way. It's much more about encouraging someone else living in a fog of confusion, resentment or whatever to find a way out of the fog and into their new and refreshing light that frees their mind. I hope so.

Marco

05-09-2013, 20:23

Greg,

Check out my new signature...! :eyebrows:

Marco.

vinylspinner

05-09-2013, 21:03

Hi Greg,

Good post, I have just had the same issues with the son of a recently departed very good friend of mine, this lad was heading towards a major crash and most people were taking the softly softly approach, I sat him down and gave him some very strong home truths, it has made him wake up and take stock, he is now moving on and taking steps to turn his life around, only yesterday he called me up and said that was what he needed, he still has a long way to go but at least he is now moving in the right direction.

Nigel

The Outcast

06-09-2013, 13:20

Bang on Marco.

I would rather have been called a complete twat by those who are harbouring strange resentments and got it over and done with. i would rather be told straight and be allowed to take it on the chin instead of being sent to Coventry in such a way. Believe me when i say i have done all i can to right all this mess. I have even pleaded for an explanation. So your new signature is spot on. My signature is qoted from John Cooper Clarke's Beasley Street and has little to do with the post. It is merely an observation i made following a recent event. I read Greg's post with interest and thought he raised a few valid points. As far as attention seeking is concerned, i have all the attention i want and need so i don't have to depend on such a forum to get it. I was also asked to clarify things and that would involve names etc which i am not willing to give. Sadly the chap that decided to blank me after all this time has become a memory which i find upsetting as he was a great friend and will remain in my heart as someone i shall always respect. Probably the strangest thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I decided that Greg had a very valid point with respect to sitting back and enjoying my music. Onward and upward. Thanks again to you all for all of your input.
Greg,

Check out my new signature...! :eyebrows:

Marco.

chelsea

06-09-2013, 13:28

Bang on Marco.

I would rather have been called a complete twat by those who are harbouring strange resentments and got it over and done with. i would rather be told straight and be allowed to take it on the chin instead of being sent to Coventry in such a way. Believe me when i say i have done all i can to right all this mess. I have even pleaded for an explanation. So your new signature is spot on. My signature is qoted from John Cooper Clarke's Beasley Street and has little to do with the post. It is merely an observation i made following a recent event. I read Greg's post with interest and thought he raised a few valid points. As far as attention seeking is concerned, i have all the attention i want and need so i don't have to depend on such a forum to get it. I was also asked to clarify things and that would involve names etc which i am not willing to give. Sadly the chap that decided to blank me after all this time has become a memory which i find upsetting as he was a great friend and will remain in my heart as someone i shall always respect. Probably the strangest thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I decided that Greg had a very valid point with respect to sitting back and enjoying my music. Onward and upward. Thanks again to you all for all of your input.

If someone is prepared to blank you/fall out over a hi fi i struggle to see how he can be a great friend.

If it was over something worthwhile falling out over it would make some sense.