The Grand Wazoo
30-11-2011, 18:50
As promised in this thread (http://theartofsound.net/forum/showthread.php?t=14331), I am now in a position to disclose the latest trends in bollocks speak.
Or, to put it another way, this thread is about what's currently trending in the communicational environment of the corpo-sphere and the quango-logical jungle, as well as both the central and locally focussed governmental realms.
Is it just the natural evolution of the English language?
Is it technical jargon?
Maybe it's ignorance?
.........perhaps it's contagious?
Personally, I think it's pretentious tossers who are unable to express themselves properly and have such an over-inflated sense of self importance that they constantly feel the need to impress with an apparently limitless grasp of all that is new and shiny. It's then perpetuated by a never ending spiral of one-upmanship caused by the need for all of these idiots not to look 'stupid' by saying something like "I'm sorry I don't understand that, would you mind explaining for me"
Here are some of the ridiculous things that are said and written by these idiots as a result of that situation:
You know when you used to have a meeting, you gathered several people round a table to discuss things? Well apparently, that is now a 'goldfish bowl facilitated conversation'.
If the meeting was planned in advance, it was probably 'pre-diarised'.
But it's all good, because it allowed the attendees the 'opportunity to conversate'.
The discussion is likely to begin with what used to be an overview, but since became a 'high altitude view' .......and has now become a 'helicopter view'.
Perhaps during the meeting you'll discuss a new product or idea that some people may think is badly thought through. In which case, they will possibly inform you that it has a 'feature gap'.
When the discussion goes into the fine detail it will be'down to a certain level of granularity'.
But it's OK, the problem can be solved because your organisation will, no doubt, have a 'basket of improvement levers'.
Hang on though! Does everyone know how to use these levers? If not they'll have to be trained, so we'll ensure that they 'undergo the appropriate enskilling process'.
When you report back to your boss about what went on in the meeting, you'll attend a 'washing up session'.
If you write up the minutes, you will be preparing a 'backward look statement'.
And it will probably be 'signed off by an informed lead'.
Now then.
If you ask these people to produce documents or make speeches, you get sentences like this:
"We are assessing and mitigating immediate impacts, and developing a high-level overview to help frame the conversation with our customers and key stakeholders"
"…….We must recognise the emergency of the 'wellderly'." (Harriet Harman)
"We will monitor using existing monitoring frameworks with information also provided to BARS. Information will show changes in extent of habitat as well as metrics for the improved connectivity and reduction in pinch points within the network"
"Using the national dataset of species dispersal ability along with the tier 1 and 2 data sets and relating to needs assessment on water management and climate change adaptation from the 3 city region GI Frameworks we have identified target pinch points in the Mersey Riverine system where interventions to improve management or create new habitat will have a significant biodiversity benefit and specifically provide additional water and climate change adaption functionality".
"The onion model set out the Government's vision of what was needed to achieve whole system change. There is an urgent need for still greater integration at every layer of the onion in frontline delivery, processes, strategy and governance. At the level of service delivery in particular there remains significant practical, philosophical and resource barriers to full integration. Further legislative changes at governance level alone will not automatically make it easier to address these barriers"
"The new spatial planning system moves away from what can be called the old style 'plan-present-defend' basis of consultation to one of consensus-building, working alongside stakeholders and communities in vision and strategy formation and its approach is therefore based on enabling engagement at every stage of plan-making and implementation."
Or, to put it another way, this thread is about what's currently trending in the communicational environment of the corpo-sphere and the quango-logical jungle, as well as both the central and locally focussed governmental realms.
Is it just the natural evolution of the English language?
Is it technical jargon?
Maybe it's ignorance?
.........perhaps it's contagious?
Personally, I think it's pretentious tossers who are unable to express themselves properly and have such an over-inflated sense of self importance that they constantly feel the need to impress with an apparently limitless grasp of all that is new and shiny. It's then perpetuated by a never ending spiral of one-upmanship caused by the need for all of these idiots not to look 'stupid' by saying something like "I'm sorry I don't understand that, would you mind explaining for me"
Here are some of the ridiculous things that are said and written by these idiots as a result of that situation:
You know when you used to have a meeting, you gathered several people round a table to discuss things? Well apparently, that is now a 'goldfish bowl facilitated conversation'.
If the meeting was planned in advance, it was probably 'pre-diarised'.
But it's all good, because it allowed the attendees the 'opportunity to conversate'.
The discussion is likely to begin with what used to be an overview, but since became a 'high altitude view' .......and has now become a 'helicopter view'.
Perhaps during the meeting you'll discuss a new product or idea that some people may think is badly thought through. In which case, they will possibly inform you that it has a 'feature gap'.
When the discussion goes into the fine detail it will be'down to a certain level of granularity'.
But it's OK, the problem can be solved because your organisation will, no doubt, have a 'basket of improvement levers'.
Hang on though! Does everyone know how to use these levers? If not they'll have to be trained, so we'll ensure that they 'undergo the appropriate enskilling process'.
When you report back to your boss about what went on in the meeting, you'll attend a 'washing up session'.
If you write up the minutes, you will be preparing a 'backward look statement'.
And it will probably be 'signed off by an informed lead'.
Now then.
If you ask these people to produce documents or make speeches, you get sentences like this:
"We are assessing and mitigating immediate impacts, and developing a high-level overview to help frame the conversation with our customers and key stakeholders"
"…….We must recognise the emergency of the 'wellderly'." (Harriet Harman)
"We will monitor using existing monitoring frameworks with information also provided to BARS. Information will show changes in extent of habitat as well as metrics for the improved connectivity and reduction in pinch points within the network"
"Using the national dataset of species dispersal ability along with the tier 1 and 2 data sets and relating to needs assessment on water management and climate change adaptation from the 3 city region GI Frameworks we have identified target pinch points in the Mersey Riverine system where interventions to improve management or create new habitat will have a significant biodiversity benefit and specifically provide additional water and climate change adaption functionality".
"The onion model set out the Government's vision of what was needed to achieve whole system change. There is an urgent need for still greater integration at every layer of the onion in frontline delivery, processes, strategy and governance. At the level of service delivery in particular there remains significant practical, philosophical and resource barriers to full integration. Further legislative changes at governance level alone will not automatically make it easier to address these barriers"
"The new spatial planning system moves away from what can be called the old style 'plan-present-defend' basis of consultation to one of consensus-building, working alongside stakeholders and communities in vision and strategy formation and its approach is therefore based on enabling engagement at every stage of plan-making and implementation."