Do past relationship's make you stronger in the present? [Archive]

chris@panteg

12-11-2011, 08:51

My Wife had a disastrous first marriage where he cheated on her relentlessly ! as for me when i was younger i was just a disaster with women full stop , or in other words i just could'nt get a girlfriend ! I think i was scared of women when i was in my 20's .

When i did manage to go out with someone it was usually a bad experience , nice girls that i really liked i did'nt think i was good enough , so never asked them out , my dad called me a dead loss :(

brian2957

12-11-2011, 10:43

That was was my experience , not very good with the women . Did get engaged once in my mid twenties but ended in disaster . Met and married a lady in my thirties and coming up for twenty years soon. I think I was a bit insecure in my relationships , maybe a bit 'clingy'. As a certain very famous pop star sang 'If you love somebody set them free' I came to realise that I was a complete person without my wife , or anyone else for that matter. Sounds a bit cynical on the face of it , but I can love people without trying to control them.
My wife does her own thing sometimes ,but we are also happy in each others company without trying to impose our will on each other. My point is that nobody could teach me this , I had to learn it through my own experiences . So yes I am a stronger , wiser person through past relationships . We're all entitled to be happy so I hope whatever makes you happy comes about mate.
Brian.

YNWaN

12-11-2011, 11:59

Well, none of the above describes my experience, but I'm not tempted to go into relationship details on a hi-fi forum (or the Internet in general).

Effem

12-11-2011, 12:28

When you are young and reckless it seems just the testosterone commands your partner choices.

Then one fine day you might realise that physical sex occupies less than 0.1% of your time together - no matter how much time and effort you might think you have devoted to it :eyebrows:

So what do you do with the other 99.99% of the time? If you spend a lot of time on "diversions" like sport, the TV, going out with the lads and maybe the computer therefore not communicating, then in pure honesty the relationship is doomed. The worst thing you can do is knock up a couple of kids in the naive belief it will cement your relationship. No, no, no, it will not.

When you get to my age you hopefully will use your HEAD and not your WILLY to find that special person :eyebrows:

Dominic Harper

12-11-2011, 13:04

Dom and I have been together for just over 4 years and the previous relationships we were in were horrendous. I believe that past experiences do make you stronger and they do make you more wary and you can loose trust, but from my perspective it just takes time. I believe that when you are unhappy in a previous relationship you tend to loose a little of your true identity of who you really are. This is because your afraid of being that person incase it makes the relationship worse. However, when you are in a solid relationship and are very happy then you start to find yourself again. My previous relationship was 17 yrs and he was a bit of as bully. The funny thing was that I also became a bit gobby and mouthy at work, but at home I never opend my mouth. I started to become more like him at work and with friends. I wasn't a nice person, but that wasn't the real me. It was after the relationship ended and I met Dom that I started to become more of my old self, this has taken time and it is still ongoing just ask Dom:lol:. People said to me how much I had changed and that I was much nicer to be around. I believe that when you are happy you are a much nicer, amiable, considerate and understanding person whether you are single or in a new relationship, and to me that makes you stronger for the future and more experienced in life. That is my belief and from my own personal experience.

Natalie

Alex_UK

12-11-2011, 13:51

The other aspect I think is also that you are a lot more choosy with subsequent relationships - like Frank says, in your earlier years you tend to be more physically attracted and worry less about the emotional & friendship side, so perhaps make more mistakes. As you get older and have a few miles on the clock you want more and are probably less likely to compromise on what you want (or don't want!) from a partner. I was lucky enough to find a beautiful lady who ticked the other boxes as well (i.e. she puts up with big ugly old speakers in the "parlour" and I've come to love lilac curtains! :lol:)

Dominic Harper

12-11-2011, 14:07

That's so funny Alex:lol:. But you and your wife compromise that's good. unfortunately, for me, Dom just does whatever he like's when it comes to vinyl and if I say anything his response is "it's for the business" I'm telling you Alex that is going on his gravestone:lol:, but seriously we do have a good relationship and we are both stronger people now than we were 20 years ago. Your right about one thing though, when your younger you tend to look for good looking people to date and little consideration is given to personality. But that comes with experience.

Natalie

Tim

12-11-2011, 15:47

Not sure I'm prepared to 'bare all' here, but what I will say is that a past relationship has moulded the person I am now, for better or worse. I'm now at the stage where I am comfortable being who I am and I'm not willing to change that. I never say never, but my life as far as I'm concerned is now mapped out and I plan to remain single. I'm alone, but never lonely ;)

As soon as I retire (2 years) it's all gravy and I'm looking forward to it like you wouldn't believe.

:cool:

John

12-11-2011, 15:52

I always been to independent in who I am I can compromise a bit and very supportive and find it easy to express that caring side, but a bloody messy bugger and this really puts woman off

Dominic Harper

12-11-2011, 16:13

Well, I live with a very messy bugger. I'm forever putting things away and picking things up :lol:. The thing is if you are happy single or in a relationship it doesn't matter, what matters is how you feel about yourself and what you have learnt from past experiences. There are no hard and fast rules to say that everyone has to be in a relationship to make them happy, but you always tend to learn from them, sometimes good sometimes bad. But it make you stronger whether an amicable break up or a stressful breakup. I guess you could call it part of life and living. I say that if you are happy on your own then good for you and I bet your a lot stronger person for your experiences, I know I am. I guess the only time this wouldn't apply, is if you have never had a relationship. But no matter who you are or were your from, I strongly believe that past relatgionship make you stronger, wiser and more experienced.

Natalie;)

Alex_UK

12-11-2011, 16:19

Being very selfish, I loved being a Bachelor between marriages, and had my flat "just so" and had a wail of a time going out with mates etc. I missed it for a while, until I became a dad, and apart from that being the best thing that ever happened to me (I love my little girl more than anything - and she knows it!) it has also made me more "stable" in my marriage and enjoy family life as opposed to being a couple - hard to explain and you'll probably only understand if you're in the same situation, but I let a lot of things slide (and so does my wife!) that would previously have been an issue, but you realise are in fact trivial compared to being parents!

Welder

12-11-2011, 16:23

Hmm I don’t know about stronger but past relationships have certainly made me poorer :lolsign:

One day I’ll learn to shut my mouth and not do the “if all that crap means so much to you you can have the feckin lot” and piss off down the road.
I am apparently the most frustratingly independent, domestically able and irreverent bastard under the Sun.

I love women, honestly I really do, but I don’t understand the first thing about them.

goraman

12-11-2011, 16:26

Past relationships seem to color all of our views some, unless your born stubborn and cantankerous then nothing ever changes for you.
In my view good relationships don't take much effort,my wife and I have a great relationship,she dose what shes told.

Thing Fish

12-11-2011, 16:31

I've never met a Woman I've loved enough to give her half my house...:lol:

Effem

12-11-2011, 16:33

I love women, honestly I really do, but I don’t understand the first thing about them.

If you did understand them you probably would be THE richest man in the world :D

Alex_UK

12-11-2011, 17:16

I've never met a Woman I've loved enough to give her half my house...:lol:

My missus always said she only married me to get half my pension fund - and I'm still not actually sure if she was joking! :scratch:

worthingpagan

12-11-2011, 17:35

strength comes from within the self. it has no relevance who or how many relationships you've had in the past, unless you want it to

Reid Malenfant

12-11-2011, 21:09

You don't half often bring up odd conversations Andr'e :eyebrows:

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger ;) I'm not sure it's a good thing in all honesty...

The last really serious relationship I had (or possibly the only one? :scratch:) back in 1997 was a life changing experience. I met someone who I knew inside & out, knew what they were thinking & could honestly finish her sentences when talking to others. It was like a synergy I just cant describe & couldn't be without in a relationship ever again.

Never known a damn thing like it & I was with another for seven years... Though it was nothing like this :scratch:

This was a person I would have given my life for without a seconds hesitation, funny, but I still feel the same way. I have had relationships since then & lots before that , but I realised I was kidding myself & them in all honesty... Took a while but as soon as I did I had to do the honest & proper thing & break it off.

I can see me staying single unless I happen to meet someone & click with them as I did back in 1997 for the rest of my life. It's not fun, but I'm not going to kid myself :cool:

"Not bad for a human" Bishop :lol:

Covenant

12-11-2011, 21:26

"Not bad for a human" Bishop
Alien 2?

Reid Malenfant

12-11-2011, 21:27

"Not bad for a human" Bishop
Alien 2?
I reckon you are right... :)

Dominic Harper

13-11-2011, 12:29

bobbasrah

13-11-2011, 12:54

Sometimes there is light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes it is a train, always you learn something from it.....

Welder

13-11-2011, 14:01

I’ve always worked on the assumption that what is around the corner is life holding a big brick in its hand :eyebrows:
I prefer the straight bits where I can see down the road :)

Dominic Harper

13-11-2011, 14:08

John, I'm sure everyone likes to see what's ahead, but sometimes it nice to have a good surprise;) and that is what I mean when I say you never know what is round the corner.

Natalie;)

Welder

13-11-2011, 14:15

Hmm, I’ve gorn orf surprises a bit………..I blame Santa Claus myself, and no fairies at the bottom of the garden.

Reid Malenfant

13-11-2011, 17:35

The thing is Mark you never no what is round the corner, and you could meet someone tomorrow and think this is it. I used to think that if this is what a relationship is all about then stuff it, but I was in a very unhappy realationship. But I guess if you meet someone who you really love and they love you, and then it all ends, thats when it can be very difficult for you. But I still think it makes you stronger. Do you think then Mark that the relationship in 97 is just never going to be beaten and that you won't meet someone that will meet up to her level? I hope that whatever it is you want for anyone, single or in a realtionship as long as you are happy with yourself that is all that matters. OMG, I'm sounding like a right old agony aunt:lol:

Natalie;)
:lolsign: @ Agony Aunt :eyebrows:

Yes of course I'm "stronger" if you like to put it that way. I'd say that I'd want to have the same kind of deep connection that was there in 97, it was as it to use the cliche I had found my soul mate ;)

Whatever happened after that with other women was just lust rather than any love, as soon as I realised that I figured it just wasn't right to lead them up the garden path so we parted amicably.

I'm pretty happy being single in all honesty, I honestly can't remember the last time I felt in any way depressed & it's been so long now that I also can't remember the last time I thought about :bonk:

:D

So it's all good... Also means that if I do happen to meet someone I'll be more interested in their personality...

Dominic Harper

13-11-2011, 17:56

Good for you Mark. When I split up with my ex after 17 years and many rave clubs later, I realised we were never sole mates, we stayed together for the sake of ease. We had bought a house together (which he still lives in and wont sell or buy me out and he has my 42" Panasonic plasma that I paid for Whoops a bit off topic :lol:) I thought when I left my ex that I just could not be bothered anymore, it's to much trouble, but then I met Dominic. Now that to me is fate. But single or not as long your happy that is the most important thing. I'm telling you Mark I should of been a relationship Councillor. I think I have found my niche in life an agony aunt:lol:

Natalie;)

Wakefield Turntables

13-11-2011, 18:31

I've read this thread through and I'll give you a piece of advice that someone once told me. Simply, "never put yourself in a situation you cant get yourself out of". Harsh, but once you think about it, brutally true. Thats Northern logic for you :lol:

Jonboy

13-11-2011, 21:54

short and simple, i've loved and lost, had my heart broken a few times and i probably did the same back, thought some were keepers at the time but glad they weren't, i still bump into one now and again and have a chat, i'm glad she chucked me she was and is as scatty as they come, met my wife at our place of work and the rest is history 21 years married in Feb and 4 kids.

In answer to your question Andr'e, yes it does make you stronger, but i think thats down to experiences that you learn from

MartinT

15-11-2011, 07:44

Every life experience goes into the 'reservoir of experiences' and makes you stronger if you are prepared to learn from it.

I met my dream partner, soul-mate, friend, confidante, lover and finally wife back in 1990. Rather like some others here, we were made for each other, knew what the other thought and needed and had a wonderful son during our nine years together. Sadly, she contracted cancer and died in 1999.

I have had relationships since then, loved and lost, and experienced a car-crash of a second marriage which gave me the most unhappy five years of my life. Those, too, were tough lessons.

Now I find myself the luckiest man on Earth. I am again with a partner who understands me and loves me for who I am; doesn't want to change me; has been with me through a grim fight with cancer (the same lesson again: live for the day), and really wants us to throw our lot together once her children have left school. I am far more willing to compromise these days and all those lessons do count for something. She makes me happy.

Joe

15-11-2011, 09:49

Where's Claire Rayner and Marge Proops when you need them?

Dominic Harper

15-11-2011, 12:28

I think I have turned in to them Joe :lol:

I really like your honesty about this, it says a lot about a man to admit their feelings and what they have gone through. Yes this is a hifi forum and you guys love to talk hifi, but there is nothing wrong in knowing if you have become stronger from a broken relationship and sharing your experiences. It's not easy to talk about regardless of your sex. I myself had a very difficult time, but I'm not going to go into to much detail, but I learned, yes I learned the hard way, but it has most definitely made me stronger. I believe in the old saying (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger)

Natalie;)