Dads.

[stairpost]

My dad was in those climes during the war. 6 years in n africa and middle east. He went back in early 70's just a few years before he died to revisit on a cruise with mum this time instead of the raf. He enjoyed it but mother did more i think.
I was 20 when he died alas so didnt really get to know him well as an adult. Many things you wish you could say or do that are now out of reach.
Reminds me of the saying ...dont put off to tomorrow what you can do today.

It must be a very strange experience to holiday somewhere you once prepared to fight.

[karma67]

I'm 48 years old, I spent 45 years of my life thinking that my Dad was an invincible hero that could sort out anything that troubled me, I then spent 3 years pretending not to notice that at nearly 80 he was becoming an old man, and that he looked like the sort of pensioner kindhearted strangers would help across the road, or ask if he was OK when out shopping by himself. Now I'm about to lose him I see him as someone I wish knew better, or wish I had the the courage to tell him I love him.

What is it about Dads that make them much more than the word parent could ever do justice to?

Rich.

that is something i think about since my dad passed away nearly 5yrs ago,i still think about him almost daily.

[Puffin]

Some really moving stuff on this thread and written from the heart. I never had a relationship with my dad as he distanced himself from myself and my sister. It was quite a revelation when Chas & Dave brought out Gertcha Cowson as I had never heard anyone use it apart from dad who used it to me regularly. I realise now, having suffered from depression for many years that he suffered the same, but was probably too proud to admit it. However I think that my mum must have known and did nothing to get him the help he needed. It was probably a case of "Oooh what would the neighbours/family think".....errr well if you didn't tell them they wouldn't know! Sadly he was joyless man who worked in occupations where he was alone, presumably shunning company and was no way a family man. If he wasn't at work, he was asleep or angry.

[struth]

It must be a very strange experience to holiday somewhere you once prepared to fight.

Was more mum wanting to go I think. He loved Israel when he was there. Well where it is now and Palestine etc. Most of the fighting was in Egypt and he stayed on boat there. Lol

[Minstrel SE]

Its a moving subject and one that pains me. I really envy all of you that have a warm friendly and loving relationship with your Dad. I dont think I could tell him that I love him because we have an awkward relationship and I would rather he just passed the phone to mum. If I spoke to dad it would be like having a business conversation with someone I hardly knew.

I really couldnt tell him I love you because I can see the words floating off into space Awkward is a massive understatement there.

He looks like a modern man but he is very old fashioned in attitude. I always feel I have let him down and I just feel I am living the Python sketch about the resentment the father has for the fancy new ways of the son. There is some known complex between father and son and my family is a textbook example.

I worked for him once and realised he was treating me worse than any estranged boss. We visited factory printing environments and some machine operator tried to make trouble for me by making up serious lies. He took her side and I have never forgiven him for that. ( he didnt even take me to one side and call it a face saving operation) I realised I didnt really know him and that saddened me further. I like to think he was moulding me but he really wasnt

He never lightens up and talks about football or something. He never lets his guard down, pours the drink and says why worry. Its like being sat in a room with a sargeant major on duty. I used some casual language and he said I didnt bring you up to speak like that. I always feel I have to be on my guard with him. I sometimes wonder whether he should have had kids and thats a very sad thought

So although I will miss him when hes gone I wonder why I will really miss him. I wont miss him in the way I miss John Peel or any man that I feel I could have a closer meaningful relationship with. Sad but that seems to be life in the way its gone for me.

He can be very nice and extremely helpful with a soldering project. He will always take full control though and make me feel like a little boy tugging at the bottom of his trousers. He has never hit me but there is something deep missing which has really affected our relationship

[Marco]

A very touching thread this, started by Rich. I'm glad that others and him here have shared their feelings and related their stories accordingly about their dads. I think you should always tell your dad (and mum) that you love them, regardless of whether they 'know' or not, as quite simply it's nice to hear and provides comfort, and so such sentiments will be welcomed by any loving parent.

There often seems to be something in the British male psyche ('stiff upper lip' or whatever) that makes it hard to show emotion, as if doing so is a sign of weakness, when quite the opposite is true, and which coming from an Italian background, where showing your feelings/being emotional is normal and natural, I find hard to understand. As a family, we've always been very 'touchy feely', and hug each other all the time when we meet, which I do with my dad, and did my mum when she was alive.

I've always had a very warm, close and loving relationship with my parents and simply couldn't imagine (nor I suspect cope) with anything different, which is why the likes of this, from Rob, is both alien to me and so saddening:

Sadly he was joyless man who worked in occupations where he was alone, presumably shunning company and was no way a family man. If he wasn't at work, he was asleep or angry.

I'm so sorry to hear that, Rob. I'm sure that your dad did love you, but perhaps struggled to express his feelings and, like many people, perhaps was the type who wrapped himself up in his work, to the detriment of all else?

Also, the fact is, parenting is a skill, as much as anything else, and so some people are better at it than others, which of course is reflected in the results they achieve in that respect, as judged by their children. Therefore, perhaps your dad wasn't the best 'textbook parent', but he almost certainly would have cared.

Rich, what you need to do is spend as much time with your dad while you can, tell him how you feel and say everything you need to say while you can, and in the process make some nice memories of your final times together, which you'll be able to treasure forever, and that will provide you with comfort when he's gone - and the same applies to everyone else here who still has a dad or mum.

Try and visit them as often as you can, and spend some time with them, telling them that you love them (not just taking it for granted that they'll know), making some nice memories in the process, and don't have any regrets. Because one day sooner than you might think, that opportunity will be gone, and you'll never have another mum or dad to do it with.

Therefore, if you've not seen or spoken with your parents for some time, for whatever reason, why not make this Christmas the time when you make the effort to visit them? There's a very good chance it might be the best Christmas present, both them and you will ever have had.

Marco.

[rigger67]

My dad died when I was 7 so I never knew him that well.

I support Leeds United despite being born in Southampton because he was from Leeds and it was a way of keeping him alive, I suppose.
It used to really get on my wick when people assumed my parents had divorced when I used the term "step-dad" after my mum remarried.

Whether you have a strong relationship with a loving father or a strained one with a cold tyrant, just be grateful he's still around.

I'm 50 and that's the age of my dad when he died from thrombosis in 1974.
I have five more weeks until I'm 51 and I really will breathe a sigh of relief because this year has spooked me a bit ..


Great thread, by the way.


For what it's worth, I would tell everyone what you think of them and do it all the time.
I do, every day.
I cut people out of my life if they're negative, poisonous types - including family - and I embrace and cherish the positive, joyful individuals, family or friends.

Life really is too short for BS.

Don't go to that party if you don't want to.
Don't attend the dinner you're dreading.
Don't do anything you can't face doing.
Why the chuff should you ??
You're a grown-up.
You're not a child being told to eat your greens.

If other people don't like it, that's their lookout.

Enjoy life.
Tell the postman you love him next time he brings you some shiny new gadget

[WESTLOWER]

I'm 50 and that's the age of my dad when he died from thrombosis in 1974.
I have five more weeks until I'm 51 and I really will breathe a sigh of relief because this year has spooked me a bit ..

Paul..God, I thought I was the only one!, I was shitting myself up to my 47th birthday, my dad passed at 46 years old..
i celebrated and spunked all my dosh on HiFi!

[walpurgis]

Similar thoughts crossed my mind in my 54th year. That was the old man's age when he died.

I won't discuss him. He did me a favour by going. If he'd still been around by the time I was big enough, I'd have decked him.

[stairpost]

My sincere thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts and feelings on this thread, it has been comforting and supportive. I haven't been emotionally able to reply to everything I read but every word was appreciated.

Dad has cancer in most of his major organs and emphysema, they are letting him come home tomorrow so he can spend christmas with mum and the family, he is coming home with half the hospital by the look of it, but as it is helping him to live pain free and keeping his breathing less laboured we are happy. It looks like his last christmas won't be as bad as first feared, as he is in good spirits and has his wicked sense of humour back. I'm betting that under the circumstances we'll be sharing a glass of scotch or two as well.

In a twisted sort of way, how the last 4 weeks have unfolded has been a blessing, we know we are going to lose him and it's going to hurt like hell, but we have been given the chance to prepare for it as much as is emotionally possible, it sinks in a bit more everyday, and we do get to have dad in much better spirits and suffering much less than he has been for a long time. There is no way to lose someone you care about that doesn't fill you with pain, but being given a chance to take a breath of comfort before being submerged in grief has been a gift.