Mad hatter's tea party

[Gordon Steadman]

For the first time in twenty years, we went to a New Year's party last night. We thought it might be a good time to rejoin the human race and be a bit more sociable. Whilst we enjoy small gatherings and entertaining with friends, big groups have never been our thing.

It wasn't exactly huge last night, around twenty people.

I can't remember having spent such a depressing evening. We were all asked to take some food and I spent the afternoon slow cooking some garlic in butter for the Steadman special bread. I printed the usual health warning about Vampyres beware and orf we jollywelled.

Walked in to a crowd standing around yacking in temperatures that were at least 10 degrees too high with the music on about 50 decibels too loud. The sub was so dominant that nothing else could be heard. To make matters worse, Joe Bonnamassa was playing which was enough to have me turning straight round anyway.
A large (read pint) glass of quite decent red was thrust into our hands and we tried to find a spot where we could actually hear anyone without them resorting to a megaphone.

Then the food started. I felt I was in Alice or that scene from the Magical Mystery Tour where Lennon has a fat suit on and is fed spaghetti until he bursts. Ronnie was the only woman there under a size 18 (10 actually) and most of the men could rest a Kardashian (spelling?) on their stomachs. Watching the food being shovelled into vast caves quite put me off my food. On top of that my garlic bread was buggered up as the hostess ignored my instructions to give a ten minute burst of high temperature to crisp it up and just melt the butter properly and gave it about 20 minutes on low power. Completely buggered and soggy. The final straw

We struggled on until 11 o'clock but the thought of hanging around until the witching hour was just too much and we made our excuses. These are all people we know and enjoy being with in couples but en masse it was an overwhelmingly horrible experience.

Maybe we are too used to our own company now and we are the ones out of step but is this is an example of how to enjoy yourself, I'm gonna stay miserable.

[Firebottle]

Happy New Year Gordon.

Sounds awful, pun intended. We stayed in with some nice beers

[Macca]

The only good parties are those that happen by accident, then there is no expectation bias

Last New Years party I went to must be ten years ago. A pal of mine turned up in some skin tight Jim Morrison style leather keks. It had been a while since he last wore them and he had expanded a bit in the meantime to the extent that when he arrived at the party he found he was unable to sit down without busting them open and had to spend the entire time stood up leaning on the mantelpiece as though it was intentional.

[Firebottle]

[Marco]

Belter, Macca!

Gordon, your ‘party for fatties’ sounded horrendous! One thing I can’t stand, which you described, is having large wine glasses filled up to the brim, as if it were Ribena being poured!! It doesn’t matter how good the wine is. It shows no fooking finesse whatsoever

That’s my pet hate, along with small plates piled up high with food (so that everything looks like a big mound of mush), served up to me (or greedily taken by someone at a buffet), as if the world was going to end before there was the chance again to get more…! AARRGGHH!

I like big plates, with small amounts of food on them (arranged neatly on the plate in an appetising manner), and then when I finish what’s there, if I feel like it, I can get more.

As for the music, surely something more relaxing and intimate would’ve been more appropriate for a dinner party? There are times and places for ‘bangin’ tunes’, but I don’t think that’s one of them. You did well to escape early - I’d have lasted 10 minutes, before it was time to say Hasta la Vista!!

Marco.

[synsei]

Talk about losing your inner 'party animal', I know a good retirement home where they play bridge and bingo, and the dinner conditions certainly fit your requirements Marco although the meals are more 'I need a fart' than 'A La Carte'. And we wonder why the Aussies call us Whingeing Poms

[walpurgis]

Not really keen on parties. There's always some 'life and soul' clown to get on my wick. A few loud drunks and cackling women just add to the unpleasant mix.

[struth]

I hate parties of all sorts....i mean the place is full of people for a start

much prefer small get-togethers. wouldnt mind balancing Kim Kardashian on my belly though

[Marco]

Talk about losing your inner 'party animal', I know a good retirement home where they play bridge and bingo, and the dinner conditions certainly fit your requirements Marco although the meals are more 'I need a fart' than 'A La Carte'

Hahahaha - as selling artwork to places such as nursing homes, hotels, restaurants, etc, is a core part of my business, I know all about the latter!

One time, I was delivering some stuff into a home in Glasgow, and took it into the residents lounge. The place was packed full of coffin-dodgers playing bingo, and all the seats were taken apart from one, so I thought I’ll park my arse down here while I wait for the manager to come and give me my cheque (for payment of the artwork).

Just as my arse cheeks were about to meet with the cushion, one of the old boys piped up: ‘Naw mate, don’t sit there, that’s wee Tam’s chair, and it’ll be soaked with pish!’ Turns out ‘wee Tam’ suffered rather badly from urinary incontinence… Trouble was, it was too late, as I’d already sat down and began to feel the dampness seeping through my jeans!! I think I muttered something like ‘Oh fuck no!’... Don’t think I’ve ever jumped up so quickly in all my life!!!

Thank goodness the manager came in shortly after that, so I grabbed the cheque and left ASAP, to sniggers from some of the old boys - it was like a scene from Still Game!

Luckily I was only ten minutes from home, so a quick change of kegs was easily facilitated! I threw those jeans away afterwards, and made a rule then of NEVER again sitting down on chairs in an old folks home

Marco.

[synsei]