Jokes & Funnies

[legb4rsk]

As a change from jokes I thought I would share a couple of one liners from a friend of mine.He was married,but not for long,as will become apparent.
His attitude to women was straight from a previous century.

He was berating his wife, as usual, & said that he would like to come home one day & find the oven as warm as the television.

His wife confronted him about his affairs & infidelity.'What would you call me if you found me in bed with one of your friends?'

He replied 'A lesbian.'

Any more real world one liners & ripostes that you have heard?

[RichB]

As a change from jokes I thought I would share a couple of one liners from a friend of mine.He was married,but not for long,as will become apparent.
His attitude to women was straight from a previous century.

He was berating his wife, as usual, & said that he would like to come home one day & find the oven as warm as the television.

His wife confronted him about his affairs & infidelity.'What would you call me if you found me in bed with one of your friends?'

He replied 'A lesbian.'

Any more real world one liners & ripostes that you have heard?

No but I can share a few nicknames I have for work colleagues

Blister - The manager who pops up when all the hard work is done.

Thrombosis - A slow moving clot of a colleague.

[struth]

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Cooking is not difficult; if it were, women would be no good at it.

[Marco]

He was berating his wife, as usual, & said that he would like to come home one day & find the oven as warm as the television.

Hehehe... I like that!

And if not, 'warm up' her arse accordingly!!

Marco.

[legb4rsk]

No but I can share a few nicknames I have for work colleagues

Blister - The manager who pops up when all the hard work is done.

Thrombosis - A slow moving clot of a colleague.

Yes! When I was a field engineer we used to call the support engineers in the office pilot lights
because the never went out.

[Ali Tait]

When I lived in Leeds, used to work with a bloke who'd lost most of his teeth - just had the one on the top in front, so in the usual laconic Yorkshire manner of dropping H's, he was called Central Eating..

[Eagle owl]

When I lived in Leeds, used to work with a bloke who'd lost most of his teeth - just had the one on the top in front, so in the usual laconic Yorkshire manner of dropping H's, he was called Central Eating..

From the age of 17 to 22 I worked as a roof tiler and one of the old boys on the firm didn't have a tooth in his head. He could devour a crusty bacon roll faster than the rest of us who had teeth and it was a sight to see.

[Eagle owl]

Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.


Dr.Geezer

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for £500, if not cured, get back £1,000."



Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.



Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"



Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."



Dr. Young: "Aaagh! - this is petrol.



Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."



Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.


Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."



Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."



Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, - that is petrol.



Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500."



Dr. Young (after having lost £1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.


Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak - I can hardly see anything!



Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your £1000 back." (giving him a £10 note)



Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!"



Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back; that will be £500."



Moral of story - Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"*



Paddy goes on holiday to Spain, he's having no luck pulling birds but notices an English lad in the next apartment is pulling birds every night.
One night in the bar he asks him "Whats the secret? how can i improve my non existent pulling rate? The English lad advises him to stuff something down his swimming trunks on the beach to make himself look larger.
He finds a potato kicking around and pops it into his trunks next morning. Its no good the girls now run away with looks of horror on their faces.
He tells his new mate this nd asks "what i am doing wrong?" He replies "You are supposed to put it in the front".


Paddy was walking along a nudist beach in Spain with a hat perched on his todger to prevent sunburn,

Vanessa Feltz walked passed sniggering and said, "if you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat".

Paddy replied, "if you weren't so minging, it would lift itself".

[Oddball]

Not a joke but very funny


German mayor blasts far-right, reveals porn browsing
By PAUL DALLISON 2/19/16, 4:38 PM CET
The mayor of a small German town thought he was making a serious point about the rise of the far-right Alternative for Germany party — but was revealing his Internet porn browsing history.

Thomas Köppl, the mayor of Quickborn near Hamburg, was taking part in a debate on the AfD and used a screenshot of the German constitution to make his point, German newspaper Bild reported. But he had forgotten to close other, XXX-rated tabs on his Internet browser for pages with titles such as “Punishment porn videos” and “German slut punished.”

[struth]

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.