Jokes & Funnies

[Mike]

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Labrador looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I then got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shi*e"

[Mike Reed]

Does anybody else on this forum read these, or are we a two-man band?

I only posed a little question and the flood-gates opened.

A veritable torrent of comedic diarrhoea indeed. So this is moderation, Shian 7style! Some very droll pieces here; excellent stuff.


A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a beer.

"Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string in here", says the barman.

The dejected string goes outside to join his two companions. "You've got no technique", says his friend, "watch me!".

Second piece of string goes in and compliments the barman on his fine decor, then orders a beer.

"I've already told you once", shouted the barman, "if you come in again I shall call the police". The second string rejoins the others outside and says "Impossible. You'll never get served in there!"

The third piece, however, thinks for a moment, gets out a pair of scissors and begins to separate out his strands, ruffle them up and tie his bits together.

"Subterfuge is the way to do it" he cockily remarks to his friends.

Upon entering the bar and asking for a pint of cider, the barman looks suspiciously at him and says "Aren't you the piece of string I've just given a warning to?"

"No", the string said, "I'm afraid not" ((geddit?)

[Mike]

A veritable torrent of comedic diarrhoea indeed. So this is moderation, Shian7 style! Some very droll pieces here; excellent stuff.

I aim to please

If there's anything that you think requires any moderation feel free to let me know!

[Marco]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q23sodJ0SIg

Make sure your volume is turned up.

Enjoy!

Marco.

[Marco]

The Glaswegian accent makes it even funnier!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuq_e0HZ6sk



Marco.

[Filterlab]

That is very good indeed.

[Mike Reed]

Rather distressed lady says to her doctor,

"Doctor, I've been going out of my mind recently with hallucinations and bad dreams of Heathrow Airport"

"I'm awfully sorry, madam,", the doctor said after an examination, " but I do believe this condition could be terminal."

[Mike]

Oh no!.... please...

[Chris Frost]

Spoof Tom Cruise interview

[Mike Reed]

A lady take a rather lifeless parrot to her local vet.

"He hasn't eaten for days, doctor; he just seems to sleep a lot at present. Can you check him over?" the lady said.

The vet puts the parrot on the table and performs an examination.

"I'm afraid your pet is deceased," the vet said.

"NO, that's not possible, doctor: he's been with me for years, and I'm sure he's simply a little under the weather. Could I have a second opinion, please?"

The vet goes next door and comes back with a big, powerful looking cat. The cat leans over the parrot, touches it in various places with its paws, stares at it for a few minutes, then turns round to the vet and shakes his head.

"Madam" the vet then says, " I'm sorry, but our cat tends to confirm my analysis."

"I will not accept that" the lady said vehemently," my beloved parrot has simply gone into suspended animation; maybe he's got a tropical fever. I demand another opinion!"

The vet then calls in his big black Labrador dog, saying " Madam, this dog's intuition cannot be faulted".

The dog then puts his paws up onto the table, sniffs audibly right round the parrot's body twice, lifts up its tail and snuffles into its ears.

"Well?" the vet asks of the dog, " What do you think, boy?"

"Woof woof, whine, howl," the dog articulated, swinging his snout from side to side.

"THere you are, madam," the vet then said, exasperated. "Do you believe me NOW?"

The lady disconsolately agrees with the findings and asks for the bill, which duly arrives.

"Good Lord!" she exclaims, "why is this bill so high, when all you've done is tell me my dear parrot is dead?" expostulates the woman.

"Well madam," the vet replied, "You didn't believe my first prognosis, so I'm afraid you've had to pay for the cat scan and a lab report as well."